H.E.L.P.

Does anyone out there in Blogland know anything about Radon?
The test indicates a level of 5.4 - which means we would need mitigation.

• Will this affect the resale value of the home?
• Should we be concerned about the integrity of the drinking water?
• How freaked-out should we be?

And So It Goes...

Jill: How've you been? I've been trying to reach you. I figured that you must be away on a trip again.

Friend: We've been good. We just got back from Southern California - a friend's 50th birthday party. And last week we were in New Jersey to see my parents.

Jill: How are they doing?

Friend: They're the same. Haven't changed a bit. Mom turned 82 last week so we had a small dinner party for her. I thought of you and Husband. My parent's house is really falling apart, but they refuse to spend any money on it and they're comfortable with it just the way it is - leaking roof and all. It's going to take a lot of work to fix it someday.

Jill: Yup, it's hard. How are the plans going for the trip to China.

Friend: Great. We're still hoping you can come.

Jill: It's unlikely that we'll be able to get away for 3 weeks now. So you got my message that we're moving?

Friend: I did. That's awfully sudden.

Jill: Well, sort of Yes and sort of No. The house sold in 3 days and our offer on the new one was accepted the next day. But I've been talking about this for over a year.

Friend: Well, I hope you like it there.

Jill: I'll have to get used to the snow. Of course, I'm hoping that you and Mark will be able to come out and visit us for a ski holiday.

Friend: Well, that's probably not going to happen. Mark's working a lot these days so we get to take very few trips. And Denver's not exactly on the way to anywhere we might go.

Jill: Oh, I was hoping we might be your destination. Skiing is only an hour away!

Friend: Well, I wouldn't count on it. We're taking very few trips these days.

Jill: Oh.

The Lesson.

Occasionally, the rose-colored glasses do come off.

I realize that distraction will only dull the pain and not erase it entirely. Soon, I will have to go to the storage unit to clean out all of my mom's furniture. The clothing that she wore the day before she passed away. Her crumpled papers that she refused to discard. Napkins from every social event that she attended at the facility. The experience will be devastating...much like having to clean out my sister's condo and seeing her cane resting in the corner of the living room. Right where she left it on the night that she passed away.

I know that I am handling their deaths by running away and moving away. My spirit is broken and I don't want to work anymore. I've become jaded about the corporate machine and the toll it takes on a person's life.

I really do believe that things happen for a reason. In January, my HR Director informed me that the company had decided to stop giving sales managers an annual merit increase. No explanation why, no advance notice. This decision was made two weeks before I was to receive my review (which was excellent, I learned later) and salary increase.

I was spittin' mad to say the least. I worked harder and longer last year then ever before in my career - all while trying to take care of my mother. I rebuilt an entire team of 35 after a departmental re-org in February, and we continued to meet and exceed our numbers all year. We did it by working weekends and extended hours. I encouraged my team to defy the system and give White-Glove Service. We took a lot of heat for doing this, but ultimately, we scored higher than other departments on customer surveys, and my manager supported us all the way. I asked everyone to give 100% and to feel proud of our results. Because we were doing the Right Thing.

Which made this corporate decision feel really, really personal.

When I voiced my disdain for the decision and predicted staff turnover (they also included sales supervisors), I was admonished for not supporting the company. My response was that the company was not supporting the development and tenure of its employees. Oops, admonished again.

This incident severed my emotional loyalty to a company that I planned to stay with for years to come. If they had handled this differently, it would have been so much more tolerable. But they didn't and it's not.

Which brings me back to Things Happen for a Reason. I believe that Husband and I are meant to relocate and build a different kind of life. One that includes the adoption of 2 kids and possibly one, small dog. I believe that I gave the very best that I had to offer as a manager and an employee to this company. And I believe that I will forever hold my head high, knowing that I worked with integrity and goodwill.

Will I ever be so self-sacrificing for a corporate cause again? No way, Jose.

Life is too fragile and valuable to devote so much time and emotional energy to a company. And now, sadly, I have to deal with the consequences of my decisions: Wishing I had spent more quality time with my mom and sister while they were still alive.

Truly Bittersweet.

If I close my eyes and breathe deeply, I can feel the excitement and hope spread throughout my body. It feels all tinglely and warm and my heart seems to swell and flutter at the same time.

I know that life affords very few moments like this, and I'm lucky to to have this experience. I also know that I should be savoring every moment and enjoying the process. But damn! I want today to be July 8th something fearsome.

I told my husband last night that if this wasn't the saddest time in my life...it would be the happiest. Talk about extremes.

In the June, 2005 issue of Real Simple, John Mortimer is quoted: "Although the poet Shelley was right about our sincerest laughter being fraught with sadness, it's the sadness, in a way, which makes happiness complete."

I understand this on a deeper level, now. The yin-yang tug of life carries on.

I Found my Mo-Jo in Denver.

Husband and I spent 4 full days touring the Denver area. The neighborhoods are beautiful and the streets were filled with children and dogs. As we drove by, people waved to us from their front yards (I continue to be stunned by this).

The photo above is from an area known as Highlands Ranch, located just south of Denver. In total, we checked out more than 9 cities and we toured more than 30 homes. These are just a few of my observations:

We spotted dozens of wild, cotton-tailed rabbits running amuck in the front and back yards of the homes.

The clouds had an amazing degree of dimensionality - the colors and depth were gorgeous.

Overall, we didn't care for the homes in the city of Denver, especially Washington Park. They were small, packed in tightly to one another, and cars lined the streets.

I learned about the hazards of Radon, something I knew nothing about.

The South-Metro area appears to be highly transient. In reviewing the 2004 Assessor's records, the average home ownership tenure was about 3 years.

Every home we toured included a remodeled kitchen with granite - despite the age of the house. Apparently, one cannot sell a house easily or quickly there without the upgrades.

I didn't see a single commercial-grade stove/oven, which is a really hot item in the Bay Area.

Most homes had tv's in the family room, the master bedroom, the kid's bedrooms and downstairs in the basement. More than half the homes had full-fledged media rooms with screens and projectors. Why do people need so many?

Most sub-divisions are governed by a home owner's association, and the residents are mandated to adhere to strict design, color and landscaping rules. Overall, I think this is a good thing. While I appreciate the diversity of the Bay Area, it always bothered me to have a lavender (yes, purple) house on our block....that clashes horribly with the neon-orange Mediterranean down the street. It has also really bugged me that 50% of our neighbors don't water their lawns...so they turn crispy-brown in the summer. I know all of this sounds very Steppford, but the neighborhoods in Colorado are incredibly well-kept.

Everybody in Colorado goes outside during the day. Runners, bikers, walkers...they were everywhere! There were miles upon miles of trails and oodles of neighborhood parks. About 25% of the homes had a portable basketball hoop in the driveway.

A lot of people have complained about the smog in Denver (we didn't see any) and the horrific traffic conditions. We drove one of the freeways early on a Monday morning, and the slowest we went was 30mph. Certainly not as bad as the commute here from San Jose.

It's difficult to find a reason to NOT move to Denver. Sure, it will be tough acclimating to the snow (I'm born and raised in California). But as far as I can tell, that's the only drawback.

Forward Ho!

The Wake-Up Call.

We were riding in the car in total silence, both of us exhausted from the events over the last 5 weeks and not yet fully recovered from the other traumatic 12 weeks in 2005. Out of the blue, Husband blurted out a single sentence with heavy-duty poignancy.

Husband: When you move a goldfish out of a small bowl and into a bigger one, it grows to fit into its new environment.

Jill: No way, I've never heard that before.

Husband: It's true and it's going to happen to us.

Later that evening, I jumped online and found several sites that confirm this fact: Move a goldfish to a large aquarium and it will double or triple in size. Put it in a pond and it can grow up to a foot long. The biggest factor that determines the size of the fish is the size of its environment.

I think this is true for people, too.

Husband and I have whittled our lives down to a myopic focus on work, work and work. "Fun" is experienced on the veneer only, because deep down...we're chronically anxious about work and how well we're performing. It's a shallow, unfulfilled life because it doesn't really provide help to anyone else and the demands are incessant. One can never do enough. And if one doesn't keep up, then there are 50 other people who are eager and willing to make the sacrifice.

I don't want this quality of life anymore. I want to be fulfilled by love and fun.

I'm ready to become a better, more compassionate, patient and loving person. One who laughs frequently and smiles often. One who has the time and energy to return phone calls. One who experiences joy from planting flowers, having friends over for a simple meal, or playing Canasta into the late night hours.

I've learned the lesson the hard way. Family is First. Period.

Good Morning, Hope.

It's been a long time.

Jill, hanging up the telephone: Well, what do you think?

Husband: I think that dreams really do come true.

Fill 'Er Up!

Before we left on a trip to Denver, husband filled my car up with gas at $2.69 per gallon. I was positively giddy when I saw the price of gas in Colorado. "This is a good sign," I thought.

We were stunned by the price differential in all things: Real estate (HUGE difference), restaurant dining, sales tax, property tax...the list goes on and on. The quality of living in Colorado is substantially higher than the Bay Area. Homes are huge by comparison, and people waved to us as we drove through their neighborhoods. Wild cotton-tail bunnies were running amuck, and I was fascinated by the number of dogs that lounged on the front lawns watching kids and cars go by.

Don't ever let anyone fool you about the merits of San Francisco. It's a great place to visit. Denver is looking really, really good to us right now.

What the..?

I emailed my resume to a senior-care organization this morning for a sales manager position in Denver. Given my years of management and training experience in the healthcare field, I felt confident that I would at least receive a phone screen or initial interview.

Imagine my surprise when I received a Rejection Letter only two hours after my submission.

Youch!

This and That

Husband hasn't quite been the same since the incident Saturday morning. He's slower than usual, exhausted and in pain. His doctor has referred him to a neurologist for a cat scan to insure that he didn't have a seizure.

My neighbors and in-laws are trying to talk us out of moving to Denver. "You'll never be able to afford to move back." That's true, just as I am unable to move to a bigger house here and raise children comfortably with a backyard and more than 1.5 bathrooms.

The real estate market is ridiculously hot in the Bay Area. In our town, the average number of days on the market for a listing is 14 days. In Denver, it's 126 days. Ouch.

I have lost my ambition. I have no desire whatsoever to move forward, earn more or accumulate stock options. In a way, I have gone on tilt and I'm exhausted.

I am washing sheets right now and I came upon the fitted flannel sheet that my mom used to use. She was so upset that her facility had washed it and turned it pink. Now, I look at it lovingly and longingly...basking in its slightly rosey hue. I really, really miss my mom.

My father's doctor has prescribed an anti-depressant for him - something that he has refused to accept for years. He has now agreed to try it. This is a very big day. On a not-so-lighter note, Dad is talking about driving again. At the age of 80. With bad hearing, macular degeneration and the remnants of a stroke that leave him unable to lift his feet off the ground. S.O.S.

In late December, I contacted my sister Ann's best friend. She is a psychic and does astrology charts. I asked her if she felt that my family was under a hex. She claimed that she doesn't believe in hexes, but she gave me a paragraph to recite if I continued to feel that I was enveloped by a black aura. I know this sounds silly, but if you track the incidents of the last year with me, you'll agree that the frequency and severity of events are uncommonly bad. Tonight, Husband is going to do a quick reading with me to ask for God's protection. I'm not a woo-woo kind of person at all, but I'm really at my rope's end. I figure it can't hurt and it may help. My prayer is to keep my remaining family healthy and intact.

My toes occasionally go numb when I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. That's a bad sign, isn't it? I'm too afraid to research it on WebMD.

My brother in law has offered me the opportunity to invest in a couple of his real estate developments. They consistently offer a return of 27%. I'm jumping at the chance.

I check out this website every day...and just let my imagination run wild with the possibilities.

Not Again.

Husband woke up at midnight with a cramp in his left thigh. He got out of bed to stretch it out when suddenly the entire house shook and there was a huge crash. I screamed, turned on the light and found Husband flat on his back with his head propped against the nightstand. His eyes were dilated the size of dimes and he couldn't answer any questions. Tiny beads of sweat were lining his cheekbones. "Are you alright?" I screamed. "I'm calling 911!" Husband tried to get up but then fell back down onto his side. His arms were stuck to the side of his body and he stared at me, not speaking and barely breathing.

I raced downstairs and called 911. Husband wasn't moving when they arrived but he was able to answer some basic questions, what town do you live in, what year is it? The paramedic strapped him to a board with a head brace and I lost it. They told me that I was hysterical and had to calm down. (Excuse me, but is there any better time to be hysterical? I think not.)

I followed the ambulance to the hospital and sat with him through the EKG and doctor's exam. I barely breathed as the doctor asked him to move his feet and legs and hands. Thank God he was able to move them. I waited in silence, praying that he would be OK, that his spine was OK, that he didn't hurt his head when he fell. After more than an hour, the doctor decided to forego the x-rays or cat scan. She thinks that Husband's work schedule plus stress level plus diet (no food all day and then 3 beers and some molasses cookies tonight) caused him to pass out from the pain of the cramp.

In the ER, I told Husband that he couldn't do this anymore, he had to slow down...that he has the heart and head of a 24 year old but the body of a 48 year old. Husband looked at me and replied, "I still got it."

Yes, hooked up to a heart monitor in the hospital, Husband was insisting that he could push himself to the limit and still muddle through. "Oomph!"

One, I don't agree with him at all. And Two, I'm not so sure that I can muddle through when he does this.

I keep flashing back to the paramedics and firemen hovering over Husband in the bedroom as he remained sprawled out and unable to talk. I seriously thought he was dying, right there in front of me. And yet again...there was nothing that I could do.

I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow may find me babbling like a baby and watering the plastic plants.

Can anyone recommend a nice, comfortable cave that I can crawl into?

I Am Numb Yet I Feel Everything

I'm living close to the pulse now...feeling the adrenaline rush through my body, causing my hands to shake. I'm hyper-sensitive to every nuance, and I feel a stinging poignancy from even the smallest things. A pause when someone is speaking to me. The sadness in a stranger's eyes. The hairs on my arms are tingling with the anticipation of yet another tragedy...and time is passing very slowly.

My mom passed away 3 weeks ago today, and I am filled with sadness. We didn't always have a good relationship. She was volatile and belligerent throughout most of my childhood, and I spent a significant amount of my time hidden in a closet to avoid her screaming and nagging. I didn't realize just how unhappy she was - I was too young to understand. All I knew was to duck and cover, because when she blew you wanted to get out of the way.

Mom had a tough life. Polio when she was four...which left her hand and back crippled. Her parents divorced when she was eight, something that was uncommon in the 1930's. She was sent away to boarding school and was very lonely for most of her life. Mom was extremely unhappy in her marriage and had to contend with a husband who kept a job for less than 6 months on average and the resulting poverty. Her cousin - who was like a sister - passed away when she was 42 from lung cancer. Her best friend passed away 6 years later from breast cancer. One daughter was diabetic, blind and passed away while she was still living. And she was diagnosed with chronic liver disease 15 years ago and went out of her mind from worry and fear.

I miss mom desperately and frequently pray for a Do-Over. "Let me try harder. Let me get her to the doctor sooner. Let me discover my compassion sooner. Let me crawl into her bed and hold her...which I was afraid to do at the time. Let me tell her that I love her one more time. Please, please let me save her."

I know that there will be no Do-Over and that I will have to live with all that happened. I wasn't able to save her then, and I most probably couldn't save her now. I'll have to accept the memories of the numerous hospital visits, the confusion around the dozen-or-so prescription meds that she took, the inconsistent advice given by the doctors, and my misguided belief that she was going to rally.

This experience has made me realize how unhappy I have been and that I need to change things now...because time on this earth is limited.

1. I will no longer devote my life to my job.
2. I will no longer work so hard that I have zero energy left for my family.
3. I will no longer work so many hours that I have to sleep all weekend to recuperate.
4. I choose to stop kvetching about life.
5. I choose to become stronger from these experiences...to strengthen my health and mind.
6. I choose to be active again...and vibrant...and happy.
7. I choose to try new things and rediscover hope.
8. I choose to get involved, help others, and stay in touch with those I love.
9. I choose to appreciate life more and eagerly embrace the lessons...rather than be crippled by them.