Whatever your beliefs...prayer, meditation, good thoughts, good deeds, whatever...please send them this way for good news this week.

My prayers are with you and hubby, Jezzy.

Thoughts

I don't know why I am here or what purpose I am supposed to fulfill.
I understand that my happiness is not the end goal.
My family history does not dictate a weakness on my part.
Other peoples' failings are their own and not mine.
I wasn't meant to have my own baby, and maybe I shouldn't need to understand why.
I haven't lost my identity because I'm not working. It's OK to stop, do nothing and just breathe.
Life goes in cycles. Good times, bad times...they come and go.
I have control of my choices and very little else.
Everyone is exposed to pain and horror, death and fear. I am not unique.

I've been very lucky.

Too New, Too Raw.

I'm not sure how to write this post.

I received a call today from a neighbor telling me about a friend who runs a church over in Romania. A church member was just told that she has 4 months to live...and she has an 8 month old son. They are desperately seeking adoptive parents so he doesn't have to go into an orphanage. The mom grew up in one herself, and she doesn't want her son to live that life.

I've sent off an email and it was the most difficult letter that I've ever written. I cannot imagine the sheer horror for the mom. She's all alone.

Gah.
GAH.
GAH.

How can there be such horrible pain in this world?

Oh, And This Too.

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
~Author Unknown

The Best Part of Thanksgiving

Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family. ~Anthony Brandt

From the Archives

I'm not sure it's a good thing to review old blog drafts - or even the old archives. It brings up too many memories that are better left buried below. With Thanksgiving two days away, I've been thinking alot about all that I have to be thankful for. But much of it is bittersweet, a fairly new experience for me. I guess this is similar to what is called a mature love. It isn't as wildly felt or all consuming as young infatuation. It's a feeling that is based on knowledge...of all that is out there...of how far I've come and the many bullets that I've dodged. The road was rough, but I guess it's that tough stuff that gives us character and wisdom and gratitude. Anyway, here's the draft that never got published. My heart aches to relive mom's pain and terror:


Mom had polio when she was 5 years old. She was one of the fortunate ones - she survived. But she never felt elated about beating polio. She only felt self-conscious because it left her with a severely hunched back and a left hand that had no muscle in the palm. Mom's family treated her condition with shame and made excuses for her throughout her childhood and into adulthood.

Mom was crying when my husband got home last night around 6pm. Her left (cripled) hand was swollen and burning. She said she called me all day long...although not on the phone, she just called out my name. All. Day. Long. I felt a stab of guilt for not knowing this, for not being able to perceive that she was in crisis and needed help.

My husband rushed her to Immediate Care facility and we learned that she has cellulitis, which is basically a skin infection. The doctor put Mom on antibiotics but she continued to be in pain. This lasted all night, until we all got up at 4am to look at her hand. It looked like a lobster claw and it was shaking.

At that point I said the dreaded word, "Hospital." Mom started shrieking and crying that she wouldn't go. We didn't actually get her there until Noon. And I sincerely feel I've been to hell and back between during those hours I spent trying to convince her to go in.

I think at some point, a person has to say "Enough" and move forward with what they feel is best. I listened to the all of the reasons she shouldn't have to go. I listened to all of her fears about having to go. I waited patiently for the antibiotics to kick-in...but they never did. By the time we got her to the ER, she had red streaks snaking their way up her arm. That's a bad sign.

At one point before we got there, I snapped and moved into a different place of reality. I turned stone cold and my demeanor became razor-sharp. I didn't feel like myself and I wasn't aware of being in my body. I was suddenly propelled onto a path of anger that felt as though I was sliding on ice - I no longer had control and the velocity was frightening. I had had Enough.

Be Still My Heart

This is a puggle - a hybrid mix of pug and beagle. I want one.

Photo from http://puggle.org/.

7 Random Things

Currently, the only angst in my life is centered around the frivolous and it's a nice respite. I'm still weary from dealing with heartache and illness and death, so these minor irritations are a welcome relief from the Really Important Stuff. I know that one day, life will become bleak again with sadness and loss. But for now, I'm still living in Colorado and I'm enjoying a level of contentment that I've never experienced before. It still feels like a new, shiny pair of shoes. I have to get used to it. In the meantime, here's what's up.

• Curtains were installed on Friday and they are all wrong. The panels are extremely wrinkled and the valances are too small for the huge windows. I called my contact person and told her I was "distressed." (This word seems to do the trick whenever I call manufacturers - they seem to be able to deal with it better than anger and it certainly gets more attention than when I have a calm, professional demeanor.) She told me not to worry, we can easily make adjustments, determine what's needed and then "go from there." I think that's code-speak for You Are Going To Spend A Lot More Money.

• Dad moves in with us tomorrow. I've spent the last two weeks getting his room ready with new carpet walls and doors. His stair lift will be installed tomorrow morning, so he'll be living La Vida Loca with plenty of space and privacy. This is a far cry from when my mom lived with us in our little house with one bathroom. Dad's a lot more independent with a bunch of hobbies, so I think it will be easier this time around. He can be persnickety, but then again...so can I. I'm looking forward to the Duel of the Persnickets. The first issue that will come up is his refusal to let me hire someone to help him bathe. Oy vey, I'm certainly not going to do it.

• Husband placed a mug of hot coffee on the new kitchen table yesterday, leaving a big 'ol white ring. He did the same thing three years ago, which is why we had to buy a new table in the first place. How can we be so different about this stuff? I understand accidents, but mindlessness is something that I have difficulty embracing.

• Denise and her husband had to remove a big pile of wood from behind Dad's house prior to the sale closing last week. The wood hadn't been touched in over 10 years and it was swarming with maggots. eeek

• I ran for the HOA Board and lost by 7 votes. I spent 4 hours campaigning, i.e. going door to door and I met some great neighbors. Husband likes to say that I Lost...but I Won. Because he doesn't want to see me get embroiled in the HOA disputes throughout the neighborhood. I'm not sure what's worse: Losing or being hated by my neighbors.

• I had surgery 4 years ago to remove a fibroid the size of a grapefruit. We had hoped that I would be able to get pregnant, but it didn't happen. Now, they're back and I'm wondering why I didn't just have the whole thing ripped out when I had the chance. I really, really don't want to go through that surgery again. I'm feeling rather fed-up with my womanly plumbing - I feel let down.

• My neighbor up the street has a problem with rattlesnakes. They lunge through the air at her as she walks up to her front door. She's from Nebraska, so she's not phased by this at all...although she was "disturbed" by the 5 foot bull snake on her driveway. eeek!

Gotta go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving now - my sister and her family are flying in tomorrow. A bunch of them are going to go snow boarding on Friday and then we'll all go swimming at the Rec Center on Saturday.

In the meantime, I need to learn how to cook a turkey.

Great News!

Husband sat on the new couch right after eating a piece of pizza. We now have big, oily marks on said couch where he placed his meaty paws.

No more worry! It's stained!

Now I can lie naked on it with my cats and we can all eat ice cream.

Wahoo!

gah

It's Like Buttah

The new living room couch arrived yesterday and I stared at it in disbelief. It's gorgeous. And scary.

This is my first piece of furniture covered in suede, and as I pet the back cushion lovingly, I realized that I should never, ever sit on this couch. I suddenly had to urge to cover it in plastic, keep it protected and pristine.

File this one under What Was I Thinking?

What, I thought I needed yet another high maintenance, inanimate object to worry about?

Yikes...and Wowza.

Operation Beautification has stalled.

The celebrations for turning 43 were wonderful and warmly loving, but I have to say that the body is not keeping pace with the new-found, inner joy.

• I can no longer read the fine print on anything.
• My breasts have Gone South for the winter...and spring, summer and fall.
• Are those age spots on my hands? Eeek!
• I'm sorry, what did you say your name is?
• A single glass of wine makes me woozy, so Husband often encourages me to enjoy a top shelf margurita. Uh-huh.
• Bikini-shlakini. Those days are lost forever.
• Is that the back of my heel or a french cooking spice?

The Moral Dilemma

Each of us is born with a unique perspective on morality, and while I do know that life events and peer pressure can reshape one's willingness to do certain acts, I personally believe that our moral fabric is already woven when we shoot out of the womb.

Consequently, I am going to provide some insight into my moral make-up and My Thoughts on sales and telemarketing. Many will disagree with me and that's OK. Alot of people don't tell a cashier when they've been given too much change. Or they feel justified and entitled to take home a box of Sharpies from the office supply closet. I don't sit in judgment of those folks, and I ask that you not judge me for what I am about to write.

This is for a friend.

It's my experience that charitable causes are well-supported by people who are not wealthy. I think these folks have insight into how life can ravage a person through bad luck, bad timing, poor health, etc. These people have gone through it themselves and understand better than the rest of us that sometimes all one needs is a helping hand to begin recovery. And they're willing to support that cause.

Sales can be an honorable profession if it is done with truth and no tricks. It's my experience that people enjoy learning about how something can make their life better. For many, donating to a worthy cause makes them happy. People make choices and one's willingness to say Yes is their right. Unless you've duped them into agreeing to donate toward something illicit, then you have to respect that this is the way that they want to spend their money.

Everyone in the world hates telemarketers. I knew this way back in the late 80's when I started working in sales. The important thing to remember is that the job is a Stepping Stone. You will earn dividends of knowledge every single day - wisdom that you will carry with you as you move forward in your career.

There are many ways to achieve Power in one's life. Some do it through wealth, others through physical attractiveness, some through intellect. Being an independent, single mom is a powerful thing, and you have the ability to do it - you just need to find your niche. Working in sales will put food on the table for you and the kids. It will help you heat your home and purchase toilet paper. Right now, you're living Close to the Bone, and this job will help you tread water as you continue your studies. It's a good organization and you like your colleagues. This is a good thing.

You deserve to be successful and you deserve to earn good money, and I'm not talking about $10/hour. Use this opportunity to soak up the training, the good dialogue with your customers, the reasons for the rejection, all of it. After this, you could move into a business-to-business telesales position and then maybe field sales. You have the sincerity, honesty and personality to do well at it.

At the end of the day, if you truly think that you are manipulating people and duping them, then you have to decide if it fits within your moral guidelines. I suspect you are doing none of the above, just that you are relating to these kind, generous folks and wanting something better for them. That's not within your control and you need to let it go.

My first telemarketing job was to secure funds from superintendents for the placement of outdoor cardiovascular equipment for kids. The workout stations were made out of wood and the price was exorbitant. I was appalled and thought that I was ripping off all of my school district customers.

Later, I talked to them about the wellness programs that they had created as a result of this equipment. I heard about the new health measurement programs that they had launched, and how the community was in total support of these programs.

I was lucky to have seen the benefit of the program after the purchase. If you ever doubt your Good Works through this organization, seek out the recipients and see how their lives have been improved. If your organization is helping others, then so are you.

There are so many paths that we can take in life and it's so hard to feel confident that we are on the right one when we aren't encircled by support. From what I can tell, you are doing Good Works. Believe in it and believe in yourself.

The Gift

It was a wonderful day filled with friends and fun...an unexpected treat especially when you consider that we have lived in Colorado for less than 4 months.

It started with a birthday-breakfast celebration with my new friend and neighbor Tina. She gifted me with two tubes of body lotion (so I don't turn into a piece of chipped beef here in the land of zero humidity). Then, I opened the Wowie-Zowie giftbag. Tina had observed my Saint Francis of Assisi statue in the backyard (protector of animals) and got a kick out of the fact that I displayed it prominently despite being a non-Catholic. That led her to give me a Saint Francis of Assisi nightlight...for my kitties as they use the comfort station in the middle of the night. I laughed so hard I howled...it's perfectly kitchy. Tina is so very thoughtful and funny.

We then spent the day looking at furniture on Antique Row in Denver. We purchased nothing, but we had a great time discovering several unique treasures: An 1800's wheat measuring box from China, two leather Baker club chairs, a Ralph Lauren tartan and floral needlepoint desk chair, and several pairs of vintage binoculars that I almost, almost purchased. We lunched at Pasquini's and enjoyed white chocolate cheesecake for dessert.

Then Husband come home last night Bearing this Gift.

When we were first married, Husband didn't do much in the way of giving gifts and quite frankly, I threw a F-I-T. It was always the accepted means of expressing emotion in my family and if you didn't get a gift then, well, you weren't loved. Consequently, Husband and I went into a tug-of-war of mammoth proportions. I wanted thoughtful gifts. He didn't want to shop. There were a couple of Christmas mornings when I was met with a single, gingerbread cookie while he opened a plethora of Fun Stuff.

Fast forward to this year. I wanted nothing and I was silent when asked. And Husband came home with the bear sculpture bowl pictured above.

What I haven't told him yet, is that I'm already overwhelmed by the gifts that I've received this year. A new home, a new city and a handful of new friends that showed up on our radar incredibly fast. I am living a life of Abundance and I am grateful every.single.minute.of.the.day. Because I know where we came from, the darkness, the black cloud that hovered over our heads.

All I wanted to do last night was sit with Husband and talk, snuggle and "cudle." I just wanted to revel in the beauty of my day in this new town with my new friend and relive the moments of laughter and discovery. I wanted to tell my Husband how much I love him, appreciate him and thank him again for making this move with me.

I got all of that...plus a really neat gift that truly came from his heart. I'm a lucky girl.

Resisting the Urge.

My life is anything but idle. I make jewelry, I purchase antiques and resell them through a local retail shop, I volunteer, I manage all of my husband's portfolio development and bills, and I'm writing a book for my future adopted child.

So why do I feel compelled to look for a Real Job?

I have been ingrained to believe that my purpose in life is to work, and my competitive nature makes me want to work at my highest, multi-tasking capacity. "I can't take a job with a title lower than Director....or one that pays less than $XXX...or one with fewer than 15 direct reports."

This pretty much describes a 50+ hour per week position with Stress. Why do I do this to myself? It's as though I have this innate belief that what I am currently doing is less important, less valuable. As if I'm wasting time and just treading water. Despite all of the bad happenings over the last year and the resulting message that I.Must.Slow.Down...my inner mojo is pushing me to get back into the rat race and define myself by what I earn.

NO. NO. NO. I mustn't.

But...if I do become weak and send out my resume, I hope that I am jilted by the receiver. Not called. Not interviewed. Not given a shot at the job. Because although I'll take that as a harsh ego-hit, I know deep inside that it's what I need.

To overcome this battle of expectations and competitive drive. And just let myself Be.

Baby Steps

The jewelry-making fascination continues to consume me. I've been asked to create two special pieces for family and a friend.

This is how all great endeavors begin...No?

CO

Every day is a bright, new beginning. I feel potential and hope and possibility in the air...I can breathe it and taste it. Beauty and goodness surround me, and I am so thankful to be enveloped by happiness. My heart, my stomach and my soul are repairing.

It's a good reminder that sometimes we just have to hang in there - - - even if it's by the skin of our teeth. Because a new day will eventually greet us.

I'm proof of the pudding, so to speak.