Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
It's Official
I start working on my Master's degree for Education in two weeks. The most recent stats indicate that only 8% of the population has a master's degree. Most of my friends and former colleagues had MBA's from places like Stanford and undergrad degrees from Princeton. Of course, they grew up in homes with fathers who held executive positions and didn't get fired every few months. Hmm.
I just watched Dad cruise down our street on his Rascal. He's on his way to the supermarket and is thrilled to finally be out and about. His health hasn't improved all that much - but we both know that he needs to work harder at getting out of bed earlier in the day and soaking in some fresh, Colorado air. I'm sure the altitude adjustment affected him quite a bit - as well as the blisteringly cold temps. Thankfully, today is a balmy 70 degrees. It's gorgeous.
Now that I know that I'll be going back to school, I don't worry about being idle. Not that caretaking my dad and going through an adoption process is nothing...but this way I feel that I'm moving forward with my career. I guess I'm not completely ready to give that up.
I am now off to Shutterfly to make an album of my favorite photos of 2005 - a commemorative piece to celebrate our move to Colorado. I plan to give it to Husband for our 11th wedding anniversary next month. That's right - it's been 11 years. We have had some major Ups and Downs plus a whole lot of tragedy and transition along the way. And I still love him dearly. Meeting him for the first time was an incredible stroke of luck.
I just watched Dad cruise down our street on his Rascal. He's on his way to the supermarket and is thrilled to finally be out and about. His health hasn't improved all that much - but we both know that he needs to work harder at getting out of bed earlier in the day and soaking in some fresh, Colorado air. I'm sure the altitude adjustment affected him quite a bit - as well as the blisteringly cold temps. Thankfully, today is a balmy 70 degrees. It's gorgeous.
Now that I know that I'll be going back to school, I don't worry about being idle. Not that caretaking my dad and going through an adoption process is nothing...but this way I feel that I'm moving forward with my career. I guess I'm not completely ready to give that up.
I am now off to Shutterfly to make an album of my favorite photos of 2005 - a commemorative piece to celebrate our move to Colorado. I plan to give it to Husband for our 11th wedding anniversary next month. That's right - it's been 11 years. We have had some major Ups and Downs plus a whole lot of tragedy and transition along the way. And I still love him dearly. Meeting him for the first time was an incredible stroke of luck.
P-O-W-E-R-L-E-S-S
My niece has decided that she is "in love" and can't leave her (deadbeat) boyfriend. Yes, this is the guy who gives her pot. She's 18 years old.
As I sat and listened to her emote fairy tales and happy-ever-after singsongs, I had to bite my lips to keep from saying anything to the contrary. I don't think this is the right decision. She's too young and has too much at risk.
I don't care that she is 18 and a young adult. If she was my kid, there would be a different outcome. But for now, all I can do is sit back and watch her self destruct.
She's utterly non-compliant when she's with her boyfriend. She doesn't take her meds and he's encouraged her to drop out of her support group at UC Davis. All of this plus the drugs and alcohol add up to a dismal future for my little flower girl with schitzophrenia.
This is killing me.
As I sat and listened to her emote fairy tales and happy-ever-after singsongs, I had to bite my lips to keep from saying anything to the contrary. I don't think this is the right decision. She's too young and has too much at risk.
I don't care that she is 18 and a young adult. If she was my kid, there would be a different outcome. But for now, all I can do is sit back and watch her self destruct.
She's utterly non-compliant when she's with her boyfriend. She doesn't take her meds and he's encouraged her to drop out of her support group at UC Davis. All of this plus the drugs and alcohol add up to a dismal future for my little flower girl with schitzophrenia.
This is killing me.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Our very dear friends invited us out to an evening of art and music. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
We attended the Mike David "Spirit of Adventure" photography show with tribal music. Here is an example of his work. This guy has a truly interesting background. He found success in the corporate world and then burned out. On a trip to India, he and his wife hired a sherpa to take them into the mountains to show them sites not often visited by tourists. This is when he discovered his knack for photography - I believe it all started with a digital camera. About 10 years later, this guy is a highly renowned, award-winning photographer.
He found his niche in his mid-40's by sheer happenstance. His story gives me hope that I too will one day discover my blossom. (I've always been a late bloomer.)
As I sat and absorbed these amazing images from around the world, I began to feel overwhelmed over how lucky I am to live in the Denver area. This move, our home, our new friends...all fell into place almost magically.
Colorado natives like to tell us how the state has fallen apart over the last several years. They cite the traffic, the cost of housing, and the people who are unfriendly.
I just shake my head with a smile and tell them that it's all about Perspective. Compare this place to California and it really is Incredible. California is over-crowded with competitive, angry people who are trying to feel good about buying an $800,000 fixer-upper. So few people can afford Bay Area housing. But sadly, even the lucky ones who do own homes are robbed of the joy of ownership because they are stressed over making the mortgage payments. You either live with that stress or you purchase a home in Antioch, CA and commute 1.5 hours each way to work. It's impossible to feel relaxed or successful in the Bay Area. All of my friends are on edge from working and commuting too many hours each day. They're exhausted, but they go through the motions of socializing on the weekends. It's difficult to experience joy when you're burnt out and tired.
After the spectacular show tonight, we all went out to dinner and laughed and ate for over 3 hours. There was no rush and it was relaxed fun. We dined here. Husband had the sausage lasagna. I had the lobster fettucini. Our friends had a buffalo burger and the eggplant pasta. And we all shared a big 'ol slice of warm, chocolate cake. What a feast and what a treat. Time flew by so quickly.
I am so thankful for this life. I am thankful for the sun breaking through the clouds. I am thankful for good friends and new experiences. I am thankful for my sweet husband and my affectionate cats.
I am thankful to be alive.
We attended the Mike David "Spirit of Adventure" photography show with tribal music. Here is an example of his work. This guy has a truly interesting background. He found success in the corporate world and then burned out. On a trip to India, he and his wife hired a sherpa to take them into the mountains to show them sites not often visited by tourists. This is when he discovered his knack for photography - I believe it all started with a digital camera. About 10 years later, this guy is a highly renowned, award-winning photographer.
He found his niche in his mid-40's by sheer happenstance. His story gives me hope that I too will one day discover my blossom. (I've always been a late bloomer.)
As I sat and absorbed these amazing images from around the world, I began to feel overwhelmed over how lucky I am to live in the Denver area. This move, our home, our new friends...all fell into place almost magically.
Colorado natives like to tell us how the state has fallen apart over the last several years. They cite the traffic, the cost of housing, and the people who are unfriendly.
I just shake my head with a smile and tell them that it's all about Perspective. Compare this place to California and it really is Incredible. California is over-crowded with competitive, angry people who are trying to feel good about buying an $800,000 fixer-upper. So few people can afford Bay Area housing. But sadly, even the lucky ones who do own homes are robbed of the joy of ownership because they are stressed over making the mortgage payments. You either live with that stress or you purchase a home in Antioch, CA and commute 1.5 hours each way to work. It's impossible to feel relaxed or successful in the Bay Area. All of my friends are on edge from working and commuting too many hours each day. They're exhausted, but they go through the motions of socializing on the weekends. It's difficult to experience joy when you're burnt out and tired.
After the spectacular show tonight, we all went out to dinner and laughed and ate for over 3 hours. There was no rush and it was relaxed fun. We dined here. Husband had the sausage lasagna. I had the lobster fettucini. Our friends had a buffalo burger and the eggplant pasta. And we all shared a big 'ol slice of warm, chocolate cake. What a feast and what a treat. Time flew by so quickly.
I am so thankful for this life. I am thankful for the sun breaking through the clouds. I am thankful for good friends and new experiences. I am thankful for my sweet husband and my affectionate cats.
I am thankful to be alive.
Finding the Happy Middle Ground
A good friend and neighbor is a highly successful real estate agent. I have been dealing with spurts of competitive jealousy as I try to map-out my future career.
Friend and I talked last night about the way I miss "being in the groove." It's an obsessive state of mind where I think, eat and breathe work. It's an inner challenge to prove others wrong, beat my best-ever results and be rewarded with a lucrative income. He suggested that we could work together in partnership - a generous and compelling offer. He and I share the same sales energy, integrity, and a passion to achieve.
It all of the things that made me go on Tilt last year. Yet I daydream about getting back in the rat race...earning the big bucks...feeling "successful" again...and operating from an obsessive state of mind with accelerating momentum.
Husband: You moved to Denver to get a life. If you do this you'll go right back to where you were.
Jill: I know. And then we'd have to move again.
Husband: Resist the urge, Honey. You're bright and successful just the way you are. And for the first time in a long time, you're happy. If you go into real estate, you'll be working 24-7. Remember talking last week about going to Italy for 2 months every year so I could study the architecture and you and kids could putz around? Forget about it. We'd never be able to do it. Taking this step will abolish every plan that you have made.
Jill: I know, but the money is amazing.
Husband: Who cares?
Sigh. We both agreed that if I was in my young thirties it would be a perfect career-move. But now that we are adopting two kiddo's, and I'm still exhausted from sprinting in the Corporate World for the last 18 years, this is not the Right Time.
But I still have those yearnings. The opportunity is rightthereinfrontofmesocloseIcantasteit.
Yum. And "tpluuey".
Friend and I talked last night about the way I miss "being in the groove." It's an obsessive state of mind where I think, eat and breathe work. It's an inner challenge to prove others wrong, beat my best-ever results and be rewarded with a lucrative income. He suggested that we could work together in partnership - a generous and compelling offer. He and I share the same sales energy, integrity, and a passion to achieve.
It all of the things that made me go on Tilt last year. Yet I daydream about getting back in the rat race...earning the big bucks...feeling "successful" again...and operating from an obsessive state of mind with accelerating momentum.
Husband: You moved to Denver to get a life. If you do this you'll go right back to where you were.
Jill: I know. And then we'd have to move again.
Husband: Resist the urge, Honey. You're bright and successful just the way you are. And for the first time in a long time, you're happy. If you go into real estate, you'll be working 24-7. Remember talking last week about going to Italy for 2 months every year so I could study the architecture and you and kids could putz around? Forget about it. We'd never be able to do it. Taking this step will abolish every plan that you have made.
Jill: I know, but the money is amazing.
Husband: Who cares?
Sigh. We both agreed that if I was in my young thirties it would be a perfect career-move. But now that we are adopting two kiddo's, and I'm still exhausted from sprinting in the Corporate World for the last 18 years, this is not the Right Time.
But I still have those yearnings. The opportunity is rightthereinfrontofmesocloseIcantasteit.
Yum. And "tpluuey".
Friday, February 24, 2006
Describe your wallet
This is my wallet. I have never, ever, EVER spent more than than $40 for a wallet...until my niece asked for a Dooney & Burke green Croco wallet for her college graduation gift. (Straight A's, great kid.) Sadly, I bought the wrong one online...and had it over three months before I gave it to her, so it couldn't be returned. So I decided to keep it for myself. I'm not into handbags or accessories so it doesn't really thrill me to have it. The good thing, however, is that I no longer carry my credit cards around in my clear plastic sleeve that was given to me with my former company id card. I haven't carried a purse for several years and people always looked at me strangely as I walked around the supermarket with my dingy, plastic sleeve bulging with credit, health insurance, and rewards cards...juggling it along with my single car key (I also don't carry a key ring). It was a klugy system, everything frequently fell out onto the floor. And I did it this way for about 3 years.
How do you like your coffee? Or do you even LIKE coffee?
Two cups every day with dry creamer and one teaspoon of sugar. Cannot. Live. Without. It.
Do you consider yourself religious?
I consider myself to be a Christian. I occasionally attend a women's Bible study but I don't attend church regularly at this point.
At the moment, which song would you most likely find yourself singing aloud or at least humming?
Never, by Heart
Was yesterday a good or a bad day for you?
Yesterday was a GREAT day. I enjoyed a 90 minute deep tissue massage to dig-out the knots in my back from coughing and sneezing so much over the last 10 days. I went to Tonys and bought a completely prepared dinner of stuffed pasta shells and a garden salad with buffalo mozzarella and basil - it was delicious. I received an order for 20 jewelry pieces from a shop in the area, and I took my Dad in for blood tests to one of the most beautiful health facilities that I've ever visited. And I sold to hospitals for over 8 years. I told Dad that if I ever develop heart problems...this is where I want to go. It's stunning and peaceful and warm and friendly. Really amazing.
What or who do you miss the most at this very moment?
My mom and my sister.
Do you wash your hair every day?
Never really have - I'm an every other day kinda girl.
Do you send out thank-you notes (snail mail) to everyone who ever sends you a gift?
Always. (Which is about 96% of the time for me.)
If you could have one more room added onto your house/apartment, what would you use it for?
Living in our last house was like being a size 12 but wearing size 10 pants every day. We just didn't fit. Now, we have plenty of space and the last thing I need or want is another room.
Name only ONE of your favorite brands of junk food.
Honeycomb candies...my absolute favorite chocolate.
This is my wallet. I have never, ever, EVER spent more than than $40 for a wallet...until my niece asked for a Dooney & Burke green Croco wallet for her college graduation gift. (Straight A's, great kid.) Sadly, I bought the wrong one online...and had it over three months before I gave it to her, so it couldn't be returned. So I decided to keep it for myself. I'm not into handbags or accessories so it doesn't really thrill me to have it. The good thing, however, is that I no longer carry my credit cards around in my clear plastic sleeve that was given to me with my former company id card. I haven't carried a purse for several years and people always looked at me strangely as I walked around the supermarket with my dingy, plastic sleeve bulging with credit, health insurance, and rewards cards...juggling it along with my single car key (I also don't carry a key ring). It was a klugy system, everything frequently fell out onto the floor. And I did it this way for about 3 years.
How do you like your coffee? Or do you even LIKE coffee?
Two cups every day with dry creamer and one teaspoon of sugar. Cannot. Live. Without. It.
Do you consider yourself religious?
I consider myself to be a Christian. I occasionally attend a women's Bible study but I don't attend church regularly at this point.
At the moment, which song would you most likely find yourself singing aloud or at least humming?
Never, by Heart
Was yesterday a good or a bad day for you?
Yesterday was a GREAT day. I enjoyed a 90 minute deep tissue massage to dig-out the knots in my back from coughing and sneezing so much over the last 10 days. I went to Tonys and bought a completely prepared dinner of stuffed pasta shells and a garden salad with buffalo mozzarella and basil - it was delicious. I received an order for 20 jewelry pieces from a shop in the area, and I took my Dad in for blood tests to one of the most beautiful health facilities that I've ever visited. And I sold to hospitals for over 8 years. I told Dad that if I ever develop heart problems...this is where I want to go. It's stunning and peaceful and warm and friendly. Really amazing.
What or who do you miss the most at this very moment?
My mom and my sister.
Do you wash your hair every day?
Never really have - I'm an every other day kinda girl.
Do you send out thank-you notes (snail mail) to everyone who ever sends you a gift?
Always. (Which is about 96% of the time for me.)
If you could have one more room added onto your house/apartment, what would you use it for?
Living in our last house was like being a size 12 but wearing size 10 pants every day. We just didn't fit. Now, we have plenty of space and the last thing I need or want is another room.
Name only ONE of your favorite brands of junk food.
Honeycomb candies...my absolute favorite chocolate.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
My very first birthday party happened when I turned 40. I never got one as a kid. No friends over for games, no party hats, no special tablecloths with matching napkins, no goodie bags, and no balloons.
My sisters had several birthday parties...I've seen the photos. They wore white dresses with their lacy dress socks and black patent leather shoes. They got party hats and the tables were filled with friends and presents. Toothless smiles all the way around.
It's difficult to reconcile the differences of our childhood years. I can't really explain why I never got to go to cotillion or modeling school. Or why no one in my family ever showed up for my auditions, plays, tryouts or awards dinners.
I know, I know. My cumulative experience helped shape me into the woman I am today. Yada, yada, yada.
That being said, it would have been nice for someone to have believed in me.
I intend to do better with my kids. I won't be perfect and I'm sure that they'll criticize us for all the things we didn't do when they are older and feeling sorry for themselves and their plight in life.
That's human nature, isn't it? It's our path to grow up and blame our parents for all that they didn't do, all that we didn't have, all that we didn't become. I have friends who had everything. Loving, supportive parents, plenty of money to put them into the sports team or lessons of their whim. And yet they point the finger and complain and make excuses.
I realize that no one really gets a perfect childhood. And where mine may have lacked in certain areas, I'm sure that I must have had an abundance of other things...other than my escapism daydreams spent while hiding in my bedroom closet.
My sisters had several birthday parties...I've seen the photos. They wore white dresses with their lacy dress socks and black patent leather shoes. They got party hats and the tables were filled with friends and presents. Toothless smiles all the way around.
It's difficult to reconcile the differences of our childhood years. I can't really explain why I never got to go to cotillion or modeling school. Or why no one in my family ever showed up for my auditions, plays, tryouts or awards dinners.
I know, I know. My cumulative experience helped shape me into the woman I am today. Yada, yada, yada.
That being said, it would have been nice for someone to have believed in me.
I intend to do better with my kids. I won't be perfect and I'm sure that they'll criticize us for all the things we didn't do when they are older and feeling sorry for themselves and their plight in life.
That's human nature, isn't it? It's our path to grow up and blame our parents for all that they didn't do, all that we didn't have, all that we didn't become. I have friends who had everything. Loving, supportive parents, plenty of money to put them into the sports team or lessons of their whim. And yet they point the finger and complain and make excuses.
I realize that no one really gets a perfect childhood. And where mine may have lacked in certain areas, I'm sure that I must have had an abundance of other things...other than my escapism daydreams spent while hiding in my bedroom closet.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The In-Laws, cont.
We offered to take their kids through the summer to give them a chance to find a new town, get settled, get employed and iron out their chronic problems.
Instead, they asked us to take their 18 year old who has been dating a 33 year old who got her hooked on dope despite her recent diagnosis of schitzophrenia.
Are you freakin' kidding me?
They don't want her to be traumatized by the move to Oklahoma. So they want her to move to Denver to live with us instead.
This would be less traumatic for...who?
Husband and I are discussing the request. I love that girl...she was in our wedding and we have always been close. She's bright and sweet and outgoing...on a good day. It's the bad days that I am worried about. Her ability to stay on her meds, the moodiness, the episodes of baby-talk and gibberish and erratic incidents.
Of course we will end up bringing her into our home for who knows how long. But damn, I am going to have make several phone calls first to fully understand what we will be dealing with.
I realize that this is no time for me to be scared - of her illness, of the impact of having her in our home, of the unknown costs...both emotional and financial. I know that this move will probably save her life. She has no business living with a 33 year old unemployed redneck.
I believe her parents let her down, didn't support her enough throughout her childhood, were too concerned about their drugs and parties and drinking. I believe they should have been more involved in her life at the age of 17 when she began dating this guy. They should have told her, "No," and explained all of the reasons why.
Except, sadly, he's her dad's best friend.
Which makes this all very Woody Allen.
Seriously, who in their right mind would let their 33 year old best friend date their 17 year old daughter? Not me.
Jill to Husband: I've thought about this all day. There would have to be Rules.
1. No drugs.
2. No drinking.
3. No lying.
4. No all-nighters.
The alarm goes on as usual and there will be no sneaking out. It's a deal-breaker.
Husband: Yup. Lockdown.
Jill: I'm not sure I'm up for this. I was prepared for a 14 year old and a 4 year old. Those two, I can handle. This, this is something entirely different. Huge consequences. Huge concerns. There's so much I don't know. A responsibility that I'm willing to take because I love that child, but damn, it feels as though we are cleaning up their mess again. Forcing her to leave her boyfriend could send her into a severe episode.
Husband: We really need to be sure about this before it happens.
Jill: They're moving on Friday. How are we supposed to figure this one out so quickly? Hmmm?
Instead, they asked us to take their 18 year old who has been dating a 33 year old who got her hooked on dope despite her recent diagnosis of schitzophrenia.
Are you freakin' kidding me?
They don't want her to be traumatized by the move to Oklahoma. So they want her to move to Denver to live with us instead.
This would be less traumatic for...who?
Husband and I are discussing the request. I love that girl...she was in our wedding and we have always been close. She's bright and sweet and outgoing...on a good day. It's the bad days that I am worried about. Her ability to stay on her meds, the moodiness, the episodes of baby-talk and gibberish and erratic incidents.
Of course we will end up bringing her into our home for who knows how long. But damn, I am going to have make several phone calls first to fully understand what we will be dealing with.
I realize that this is no time for me to be scared - of her illness, of the impact of having her in our home, of the unknown costs...both emotional and financial. I know that this move will probably save her life. She has no business living with a 33 year old unemployed redneck.
I believe her parents let her down, didn't support her enough throughout her childhood, were too concerned about their drugs and parties and drinking. I believe they should have been more involved in her life at the age of 17 when she began dating this guy. They should have told her, "No," and explained all of the reasons why.
Except, sadly, he's her dad's best friend.
Which makes this all very Woody Allen.
Seriously, who in their right mind would let their 33 year old best friend date their 17 year old daughter? Not me.
Jill to Husband: I've thought about this all day. There would have to be Rules.
1. No drugs.
2. No drinking.
3. No lying.
4. No all-nighters.
The alarm goes on as usual and there will be no sneaking out. It's a deal-breaker.
Husband: Yup. Lockdown.
Jill: I'm not sure I'm up for this. I was prepared for a 14 year old and a 4 year old. Those two, I can handle. This, this is something entirely different. Huge consequences. Huge concerns. There's so much I don't know. A responsibility that I'm willing to take because I love that child, but damn, it feels as though we are cleaning up their mess again. Forcing her to leave her boyfriend could send her into a severe episode.
Husband: We really need to be sure about this before it happens.
Jill: They're moving on Friday. How are we supposed to figure this one out so quickly? Hmmm?
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Keepin' Warm.
Jill: It's negative 2 degrees outside.
Husband: Yup.
Jill: This is very odd. We have icicles on the awning.
Husband: I don't care. I'm staying put in Colorado.
Jill: Me too. Could you skootch over this way just a tad?
Husband: Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Husband: Yup.
Jill: This is very odd. We have icicles on the awning.
Husband: I don't care. I'm staying put in Colorado.
Jill: Me too. Could you skootch over this way just a tad?
Husband: Now, that's what I'm talking about.
The Four Things Meme
Four Jobs You've Had
1. Cashier at Straw Hat Pizza
2. Outbound telemarketer - B2B
3. National Sales Manager for several organizations
4. Director of Advertising for a national business publication group
Four Six Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. The Fifth Element
2. The Count of Monte Cristo
3. Braveheart
4. Jean de Florette
5. Beauty and the Beast
6. The Phantom of the Opera
Four Places You've Been on Vacation
1. Sundance
2. Amsterdam - France - London - Switzerland
3. Cozumel
4. Turks & Caicos Islands
Four Cities in Which You've Lived
1. Sacramento, CA
2. Palo Alto, CA
3. Corona del Mar, CA
4. Eugene, OR
Four TV Shows You Love to Watch
1. Law & Order
2. Law & Order SVU
3. Criminal Minds
4. American Idol
Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Hamburgers
2. Roasted Veggie pannini
3. Seafood chowder
4. Potato chips with cottage cheese dip (liberal lemon pepper added)
Four Places You'd Rather Be
1. Go back in time to my Aunti Hazel's house for Christmas with the whole family
2. Turks & Caicos Islands (it's 5 degrees outside)
3, That's about it. I love where I am right this very moment.
Four Albums You Can't Live Without
1. My entire Jackson Brown collection
2. Trisha Yearwood, Jasper County
3. Beach Boys, All Summer Long
4. One Hit Wonders from Restoration Hardware
Four Vehicles You've Owned
1. Toyota Corolla
2. Mazda RX7 original body style, steel grey
3. Mazda RX7 new body style, red
4. Volvo 850 glt, black. AKA The Rocket.
Four Jobs You've Had
1. Cashier at Straw Hat Pizza
2. Outbound telemarketer - B2B
3. National Sales Manager for several organizations
4. Director of Advertising for a national business publication group
Four Six Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. The Fifth Element
2. The Count of Monte Cristo
3. Braveheart
4. Jean de Florette
5. Beauty and the Beast
6. The Phantom of the Opera
Four Places You've Been on Vacation
1. Sundance
2. Amsterdam - France - London - Switzerland
3. Cozumel
4. Turks & Caicos Islands
Four Cities in Which You've Lived
1. Sacramento, CA
2. Palo Alto, CA
3. Corona del Mar, CA
4. Eugene, OR
Four TV Shows You Love to Watch
1. Law & Order
2. Law & Order SVU
3. Criminal Minds
4. American Idol
Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. Hamburgers
2. Roasted Veggie pannini
3. Seafood chowder
4. Potato chips with cottage cheese dip (liberal lemon pepper added)
Four Places You'd Rather Be
1. Go back in time to my Aunti Hazel's house for Christmas with the whole family
2. Turks & Caicos Islands (it's 5 degrees outside)
3, That's about it. I love where I am right this very moment.
Four Albums You Can't Live Without
1. My entire Jackson Brown collection
2. Trisha Yearwood, Jasper County
3. Beach Boys, All Summer Long
4. One Hit Wonders from Restoration Hardware
Four Vehicles You've Owned
1. Toyota Corolla
2. Mazda RX7 original body style, steel grey
3. Mazda RX7 new body style, red
4. Volvo 850 glt, black. AKA The Rocket.
Friday, February 17, 2006
She's Gonna Blow.
My anger is simmering like boiling water. Why didn't I see this coming? I was forewarned about the way they ran their business. The infighting, the power struggles, the pouting, the artistic sensitivities. And yet I thought that I was on track, helping them out for free, working closely with the Decision Maker.
I hired a small company to create a logo, gave them the creative directions that we had agreed upon and showcased their first-draft creative comps. Five in total. Unlimited revisions until we are happy. Several days and hours of my time invested in this. Until the Decision Maker called this afternoon to tell me that one of their designers saw the comps, thought she could do better and then recommended an art student she knew from church.
The project was pulled from me and given to the designer and art student.
My group was going to cost a whopping $245.00. Total. Which is absurd for the time it takes to create a logo. But they produce quality work and had thus far kept all of their promises and met their deadlines.
So now, I have to decide:
1. Do I even bother working on a brochure and preso, knowing that they too will be railroaded?
2. What choice words should I use to bow out...given that these folks employ my husband?
3. How do I keep myself from popping off and thanking the Decision Maker for Wasting My Time?
4. How do I smoothly maintain a friendship with the designer after she intervened and had the Decision Maker jettison me from the project?
5. How do I stop being miffed so that I can think about all of this with a clear mind?
6. Why should I think about this with a clear mind? I was donating all of my time and energy to help them at no cost.
The Decision Maker is thinking that he'll save $100 bucks by making this switch. But he didn't consider losing a resource. Me.
Hey, it's their company and they can operate as they see fit. I'm just not into being asked to do a job, taking action and following their direction...only to have all of my efforts thrown down the tube.
Why bother?
I hired a small company to create a logo, gave them the creative directions that we had agreed upon and showcased their first-draft creative comps. Five in total. Unlimited revisions until we are happy. Several days and hours of my time invested in this. Until the Decision Maker called this afternoon to tell me that one of their designers saw the comps, thought she could do better and then recommended an art student she knew from church.
The project was pulled from me and given to the designer and art student.
My group was going to cost a whopping $245.00. Total. Which is absurd for the time it takes to create a logo. But they produce quality work and had thus far kept all of their promises and met their deadlines.
So now, I have to decide:
1. Do I even bother working on a brochure and preso, knowing that they too will be railroaded?
2. What choice words should I use to bow out...given that these folks employ my husband?
3. How do I keep myself from popping off and thanking the Decision Maker for Wasting My Time?
4. How do I smoothly maintain a friendship with the designer after she intervened and had the Decision Maker jettison me from the project?
5. How do I stop being miffed so that I can think about all of this with a clear mind?
6. Why should I think about this with a clear mind? I was donating all of my time and energy to help them at no cost.
The Decision Maker is thinking that he'll save $100 bucks by making this switch. But he didn't consider losing a resource. Me.
Hey, it's their company and they can operate as they see fit. I'm just not into being asked to do a job, taking action and following their direction...only to have all of my efforts thrown down the tube.
Why bother?
It's a sweltering 3 degrees outside with light snow falling like rain. Up until now, I have only vacationed in snow for no more than 5 days.
I actually like the snow and the cold and the exhaust seeping from my neighbors' rooftop vents. It makes me feel cozy and safe to be here inside with my down comforters and warm, furry cats.
I've made the decision to investigate a masters degree in education. I would love to teach some university courses - and that requires a masters degree. I'm considering a program that will take just over one year and prepare me for teaching and curriculum development. I could work part time and do what I really enjoy - helping people learn and grow...without having to subject myself to the corporate hypocrisies inherent in every organization out there.
Plus, I think it will be cool to go back to school again. Just as long as I don't have to do math, because I will tank to the bottom of the drain if I'm forced to exhibit any mathematical skill whatsoever.
In the meantime, I am creating a logo, company brochure and a one-hour preso for my husband's company...in addition to making jewelry. It's all fun and keeps me busy.
I don't miss working full time at all.
occasionally, I don't know what to do with myself - but I really don't want to go back to work as a sales manager anytime soon. I miss my team but very little else.
Beyond that, we are inundated with adoption paperwork. I just can't wait to get our babies. That's when the fun is really going to begin, eh?
I actually like the snow and the cold and the exhaust seeping from my neighbors' rooftop vents. It makes me feel cozy and safe to be here inside with my down comforters and warm, furry cats.
I've made the decision to investigate a masters degree in education. I would love to teach some university courses - and that requires a masters degree. I'm considering a program that will take just over one year and prepare me for teaching and curriculum development. I could work part time and do what I really enjoy - helping people learn and grow...without having to subject myself to the corporate hypocrisies inherent in every organization out there.
Plus, I think it will be cool to go back to school again. Just as long as I don't have to do math, because I will tank to the bottom of the drain if I'm forced to exhibit any mathematical skill whatsoever.
In the meantime, I am creating a logo, company brochure and a one-hour preso for my husband's company...in addition to making jewelry. It's all fun and keeps me busy.
I don't miss working full time at all.
occasionally, I don't know what to do with myself - but I really don't want to go back to work as a sales manager anytime soon. I miss my team but very little else.
Beyond that, we are inundated with adoption paperwork. I just can't wait to get our babies. That's when the fun is really going to begin, eh?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Occassionally, it sneaks up on me and I'm filled with terror.
The cold realization that I am afraid to live, afraid to go on, afraid to face the pain that is waiting for me along my life's path.
Today, I read this, and I couldn't stop crying. I am so, so so so so so sorry.
The cold realization that I am afraid to live, afraid to go on, afraid to face the pain that is waiting for me along my life's path.
Today, I read this, and I couldn't stop crying. I am so, so so so so so sorry.
From Good to Rotten
Husband comes home every night and tells me how much he loves his job. He respects the guys he works with, loves carving limestone, and he told me that if he were to "die today, he'd die happy."
Wow.
I want to get me some of that.
I'm still struggling with finding enough stuff to keep me occupied and feeling OK about not working. I've got to keep resisting the urge to find a new job until I can determine what I will be doing to get to my very own Happy Place.
In the meantime, I take comfort in knowing that the other little critters racing around the homestead are utterly content. Despite the cold weather, they stay warm. They're very well fed. And, well....let's just say they get a whole lotta loving.
I can't help but wonder what will happen to them after we adopt and we've got kids running around, screaming and potentially terrorizing them. I suspect we'll all be in shock for a while. Then, hopefully, things will settle down and we'll meld into one another. The very last thing I want to have to do is get rid of any of the cats.
In other news, Husband finally did call his brother and told him that staying here for a few months "wouldn't work" though he did extend the olive branch to take the kids through the summer. It doesn't sound promising...they are packing up and moving to Kansas next week. Beth is dropping the charges against Kevin, and I feel more than mildly disappointed. I have zero tolerance for spouse abuse and would have preferred to see him held accountable. But Beth wants to preserve her family...such as it is. I am so angry at both of them for their irresponsible choices that will ultimately impact the kids on a very hurtful level. I really don't care if the two of them want to go out and self-destruct. They have no right to pull the kids down with them. Those kids deserve more, dammit.
They deserve to have a happy childhood free from violence and alcoholism. They deserve to feel safe. And be well-fed and comforted...rather than them being the ones to do the comforting. They deserve to learn how to live with integrity. Rather than watch a Dad who continues to drive with a revoked license, take drugs in front of them, gamble and cuss and spit and yell at them continuously. They deserve a mother who gets up in the morning before 3pm to make sure they've had breakfast and aren't wearing summer clothes in the dead of winter. They deserve to be told, "No, you're not going to a party at midnight because you're only 14." Rather than saying after the fact, "Ah, it was a good experience for her to get busted with alcohol and put on probation." WTF? Good experience? And I suppose he missed the irony that he had to ride a bike to the jailhouse at 3am to bail-out his 14 year old...because he himself was drunk.
Believe me when I say that I wanted to throw their bloody asses in jail at that very moment. For bad parenting. For shitty choices. For blowing every second chance that anyone and everyone has ever given them. They're a bad combo. Violence and passivity. Addicts living for the moment and nothing more. Always believing that they can make a new start no matter how bad they let it get.
I'm a believer that second chances do eventually run out.
Dammit, I hurt for those kids.
I want to bring them here, to our home, and wrap them up in love and childish fun. Give them their very own little, warm nest so they can relax and feel secure and loved.
Well. It remains to be seen.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Typical Me.
Sure, I've been in sales and marketing for about 20 years. But that doesn't sway my discomfort in selling things to friends and family.
I can't do it.
So when a friend tells me that she wants to buy 2 bracelets, my response? "No way, Jose. I'm sending them out to you gratis. Friends and family discount, you know."
I have another Colorado retail store lined-up to showcase/sell my jewelry. Hopefully, I'll actually make a few bucks and stop giving it all away. A break-even scenario would be perfectly acceptable.
Monday, February 13, 2006
And So It Goes
Husband called his brother to discuss his plans and the charges of spousal abuse. Kevin and Beth are trying to avoid a foreclosure...so they're moving out of their house and leaving California in less than 2 weeks.
Kevin admitted that he has hit Beth several times, culminating in her filing a police report and him spending 3 days in jail. He's currently out on $10,000 bail.
Kevin informed Husband that they would be visiting us as they drove to Missouri. Husband said "OK" without mentioning that they cannot live with us for 2-3 months.
Husband has since refused to call his brother back to clarify the situation.
Husband: I feel as though I'm letting him down.
Jill: We agreed that they cannot live here with us under these circumstances...it would be detrimental to our family. When are you going to call?
Husband: I dunno.
Jill: (Turning red) You promised. Is there a problem? Are you rethinking our decision?
Husband: No! I'm just thinking about it.
Jill: Husband. The last time they stayed here was a disaster. They each drank 2 six-packs of beer every day plus a bottle of whiskey. They slept all day, argued constantly when they were up, broke things and "borrowed" money so they could play poker. They ate and left dishes all over the place...not to mention the beer cans. They left the front door open 10 times and the cats tried to get out. They also failed to watch their own 3 year old, who enjoyed running out into the front yard and the street. Mom had just passed away and they expected me to watch her all day. And they didn't ask...they just expected it. I'm not up for this again.
Husband: I'll call later this week.
Jill: They think they're staying with us. Please call now and tell them to not make plans to stay here.
Husband: No. It's just for 2 days.
Jill: (Giving Husband the Stink-Eye) We didn't agree on that.
Husband: What? You're going to lock them out and not let them visit for 2 days?
Jill: That's right. I don't agree with their choices. They're alcoholics, drug addicts, addicted to gambling, and now Kevin batters Beth in front of the kids. What does it take for you to cut them off and tell them to start taking responsibility for their lives?
Husband: (silent)
Jill: You're scared, aren't you?
Husband: Maybe.
Jill: Great. Just Great. You know that you can't save him, right? He chooses this destructive lifestyle no matter what you or I or anyone else in the family does to help him.
Husband: I just don't think it's right to not be there to help him.
Jill: I've agreed with you on this for the last 10 years. But the time has come to tell him to straighten up his act and stop bailing him out.
Husband: Whatever.
Jill: Oy Vey.
Kevin admitted that he has hit Beth several times, culminating in her filing a police report and him spending 3 days in jail. He's currently out on $10,000 bail.
Kevin informed Husband that they would be visiting us as they drove to Missouri. Husband said "OK" without mentioning that they cannot live with us for 2-3 months.
Husband has since refused to call his brother back to clarify the situation.
Husband: I feel as though I'm letting him down.
Jill: We agreed that they cannot live here with us under these circumstances...it would be detrimental to our family. When are you going to call?
Husband: I dunno.
Jill: (Turning red) You promised. Is there a problem? Are you rethinking our decision?
Husband: No! I'm just thinking about it.
Jill: Husband. The last time they stayed here was a disaster. They each drank 2 six-packs of beer every day plus a bottle of whiskey. They slept all day, argued constantly when they were up, broke things and "borrowed" money so they could play poker. They ate and left dishes all over the place...not to mention the beer cans. They left the front door open 10 times and the cats tried to get out. They also failed to watch their own 3 year old, who enjoyed running out into the front yard and the street. Mom had just passed away and they expected me to watch her all day. And they didn't ask...they just expected it. I'm not up for this again.
Husband: I'll call later this week.
Jill: They think they're staying with us. Please call now and tell them to not make plans to stay here.
Husband: No. It's just for 2 days.
Jill: (Giving Husband the Stink-Eye) We didn't agree on that.
Husband: What? You're going to lock them out and not let them visit for 2 days?
Jill: That's right. I don't agree with their choices. They're alcoholics, drug addicts, addicted to gambling, and now Kevin batters Beth in front of the kids. What does it take for you to cut them off and tell them to start taking responsibility for their lives?
Husband: (silent)
Jill: You're scared, aren't you?
Husband: Maybe.
Jill: Great. Just Great. You know that you can't save him, right? He chooses this destructive lifestyle no matter what you or I or anyone else in the family does to help him.
Husband: I just don't think it's right to not be there to help him.
Jill: I've agreed with you on this for the last 10 years. But the time has come to tell him to straighten up his act and stop bailing him out.
Husband: Whatever.
Jill: Oy Vey.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Husband was in the middle of carving a lion's head out of limestone while I made an onyx and silver bracelet at my table in the studio. He spoke quietly, matter-of-factly.
Husband: My brother Kevin and his wife Beth are separated.
Jill: What? When did this happen?
Husband: I don't know.
Jill: When did you find out?
Husband: Last night from my parents.
Jill: Do you have any idea why?
Husband: Kevin told my parents that he needed "something new."
Jill: They have a 4 year old.
Husband: I know.
I called Beth to check in and see if she was OK, if she needed anything for herself or the kids. She told me that they had accepted an offer on their home that morning because it was about to go into forclosure. I remained silent, fighting the urge to ask how that came about.
Secretly, I already knew the answer.
Beth then told me that she and Kevin had started to fight and say nasty things to one another in front of the kids. That progressed to him pushing her around. The first time it happened, Beth hit her head on a cabinet and got two black eyes. She still has a numb spot on her forehead from that hit. Things progressed even farther and last week she finally said "Enough." Beth called the cops and had him arrested. Kevin has since been doing his best to talk her out of pressing charges. She doesn't know what to do.
It took everything ounce of restraint for me to not render an opinion.
I would throw his ass in jail in a nano second.
Beth doesn't know where she is going to go or what she is going to do. She has no idea how she will support the kids, whether or not she'll reconcile with Kevin, where they are going to live...no plans, no thoughts, and definitely no money. The drugs and alcohol have sucked the bone marrow out of their bodies. Their are both hollow, sad and depressed shells desperately seeking a respite.
Beth: I don't want you to answer right away, I want you to discuss this with Husband. We'd like to know if we can move in with you for 3 months while Trina finishes 9th grade in Colorado near you - school is out in late June. Kevin could get work with Husband and save some money. And then we could figure out where to go.
Jill: Ummm. I will definitely have to talk with Husband about this.
Beth: I know. I know. You guys need to talk about it. We have $12,000. We will either split it and go our separate ways or we'll take the money, buy a trailer and move to Ohio or the east coast.
Jill: Why Ohio?
Beth: I dunno. It's cheaper.
I broke the news to Husband last night and he slipped into a state of sadness and anger.
Husband: They were doomed from the start. They're terrible together.
Jill: Ya think?
Husband: First, he gets her pregnant two months after they started dating. Then she has an affair with his best friend months after they got married and the baby was born. She took off across the country with this guy and Kevin had to follow them and beg her to come back. They lived "underground" for years because of his IRS problem. They're drug addicts, drunks and now they're addicted to gambling.
Jill: Husband, they want to come live with us for three months so Trina can finish the school year and they can figure out what they are going to do.
Husband: This is not our problem. Plus, I don't have any work for him. We've bailed them out a half dozen times. They're never going to "get it." Not even after all of this.
Jill: I agree. But what about the kids? I'm Out Of My Head concerned about them. Trina has begged Beth not to take Kevin back...she's convinced that he's going to kill her. And Baby Susie (4 years old) hides in the bathroom and cries during the fights while Kevin throws stuff around the room. Let's take them in through summer while Beth figures out what she's going to do and/or they move somewhere and get established.
Husband: They'll never agree to it. They don't "get it" and they're not going to change. They've already told us this a thousand times.
Jill: Sigh. I know. But the kids.
Husband. I know.
Husband: My brother Kevin and his wife Beth are separated.
Jill: What? When did this happen?
Husband: I don't know.
Jill: When did you find out?
Husband: Last night from my parents.
Jill: Do you have any idea why?
Husband: Kevin told my parents that he needed "something new."
Jill: They have a 4 year old.
Husband: I know.
I called Beth to check in and see if she was OK, if she needed anything for herself or the kids. She told me that they had accepted an offer on their home that morning because it was about to go into forclosure. I remained silent, fighting the urge to ask how that came about.
Secretly, I already knew the answer.
Beth then told me that she and Kevin had started to fight and say nasty things to one another in front of the kids. That progressed to him pushing her around. The first time it happened, Beth hit her head on a cabinet and got two black eyes. She still has a numb spot on her forehead from that hit. Things progressed even farther and last week she finally said "Enough." Beth called the cops and had him arrested. Kevin has since been doing his best to talk her out of pressing charges. She doesn't know what to do.
It took everything ounce of restraint for me to not render an opinion.
I would throw his ass in jail in a nano second.
Beth doesn't know where she is going to go or what she is going to do. She has no idea how she will support the kids, whether or not she'll reconcile with Kevin, where they are going to live...no plans, no thoughts, and definitely no money. The drugs and alcohol have sucked the bone marrow out of their bodies. Their are both hollow, sad and depressed shells desperately seeking a respite.
Beth: I don't want you to answer right away, I want you to discuss this with Husband. We'd like to know if we can move in with you for 3 months while Trina finishes 9th grade in Colorado near you - school is out in late June. Kevin could get work with Husband and save some money. And then we could figure out where to go.
Jill: Ummm. I will definitely have to talk with Husband about this.
Beth: I know. I know. You guys need to talk about it. We have $12,000. We will either split it and go our separate ways or we'll take the money, buy a trailer and move to Ohio or the east coast.
Jill: Why Ohio?
Beth: I dunno. It's cheaper.
I broke the news to Husband last night and he slipped into a state of sadness and anger.
Husband: They were doomed from the start. They're terrible together.
Jill: Ya think?
Husband: First, he gets her pregnant two months after they started dating. Then she has an affair with his best friend months after they got married and the baby was born. She took off across the country with this guy and Kevin had to follow them and beg her to come back. They lived "underground" for years because of his IRS problem. They're drug addicts, drunks and now they're addicted to gambling.
Jill: Husband, they want to come live with us for three months so Trina can finish the school year and they can figure out what they are going to do.
Husband: This is not our problem. Plus, I don't have any work for him. We've bailed them out a half dozen times. They're never going to "get it." Not even after all of this.
Jill: I agree. But what about the kids? I'm Out Of My Head concerned about them. Trina has begged Beth not to take Kevin back...she's convinced that he's going to kill her. And Baby Susie (4 years old) hides in the bathroom and cries during the fights while Kevin throws stuff around the room. Let's take them in through summer while Beth figures out what she's going to do and/or they move somewhere and get established.
Husband: They'll never agree to it. They don't "get it" and they're not going to change. They've already told us this a thousand times.
Jill: Sigh. I know. But the kids.
Husband. I know.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Denise and her husband flew into town last Friday so they could spend time with Dad. We're all concerned about his increasingly severe health issues.
It's like deja vu all over again.
Calling 911. The trips to the hospital, confirming the health insurance and dad's advanced directives, buying flowers and magazines, sitting in the uncomfortable chair, making small talk to keep his mind off how badly he wants to go home, and watching the RNs take the blood pressure.
Then we're finally back home and I'm making doctor visit shuttle runs, sitting at the pharmacy for the new prescriptions, sorting the meds into the little plastic boxes for every day of the week, airing out the bedroom every morning and serving lots of canned peaches.
Dad's happiness is revolved around listening to music and eating foods that have no place on a cardiac diet. I wish I could do more.
Denise and entourage go home to California tomorrow. I'm so sad to see them go.
And I'm scared.
Because I am a coward who is horribly afraid to be with someone when they die.
It's like deja vu all over again.
Calling 911. The trips to the hospital, confirming the health insurance and dad's advanced directives, buying flowers and magazines, sitting in the uncomfortable chair, making small talk to keep his mind off how badly he wants to go home, and watching the RNs take the blood pressure.
Then we're finally back home and I'm making doctor visit shuttle runs, sitting at the pharmacy for the new prescriptions, sorting the meds into the little plastic boxes for every day of the week, airing out the bedroom every morning and serving lots of canned peaches.
Dad's happiness is revolved around listening to music and eating foods that have no place on a cardiac diet. I wish I could do more.
Denise and entourage go home to California tomorrow. I'm so sad to see them go.
And I'm scared.
Because I am a coward who is horribly afraid to be with someone when they die.
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