I have always felt connected to my soul, however, I have no awareness of it when I'm sleeping. Fear shot into my heart today when I wondered if that would be the case when I die.

The absurdity of the comment made me laugh outloud...and I couldn't resist repeating it to my husband.

Jill: Get this! David Lee Roth is talking about a Van Halen reunion and says, "It's not Rocket Surgery." Pah! He got his sayings mixed up.

Husband snorted with laughter and continued what he was doing. Shortly after, I heard about David Lee Roth's **questionable** bluegrass rendition of Jump and made mention of the Rocket Surgery comment to Husband again.

Now, I'm hearing that damn phrase at least once a day.

As Yogi Berra once said, "I made a wrong mistake."

Mea Culpa

I'm embarrassed.

I have dodged phone calls for over 32 hours, because I decided that I didn't want to do something that I committed myself to.

(Jill is holding up the proverbial Loser sign with her forefinger-thumb on the forehead.)

Crickey. I just love the way I advise others to overlook how they feel and just get the things done that must be done. I seriously failed in doing this yesterday, and now I have my tail in between my legs because I am in deep trouble with my husband's family.

Last week, I called my sister-in-law (not the drinking/drugging one) to say Hello, and she told me that she would be in town all of last week. She promised to call on Monday but didn't until Friday night at 10pm. She asked me to meet her over at her parents house (1 hour away) on Saturday to help her pack up the kitchen cabinets, because her folks had just moved into an assisted care facility.

Hmph. "Okay," I thought, "this is family...my husband's brother's wife's parents. I can do this." And I did. For about 6 hours. But she wanted me back on Sunday and damn, but I was not in the mood to go back to that house and sift through food that expired in 1991, and sticky jars with seeping molasses, and decrepit jars of sprinkles that couldn't be thrown away because they "held too much sentimental value."

I cleared out two, full households last year after the deaths of my sister and my mom. It's hard, thankless and emotional work. And no, I didn't ask any extended family members to help.

On my way out the door, I mentioned to sister-in-law that she might want to run the sprinklers because the front yard grass was dead....a real curb appeal killer.

S-I-L: I'm not going to run the water! People aren't acting as though there is a draught, and there is!

Jill: I wasn't aware that there were any water restrictions.

S-I-L: There aren't! But c'mon! We need to preserve water!

This would have been easier to digest if she hadn't spent 30 minutes explaining how important it was for her parents of get their Asking Price for the house. When I pointed out some minor "fixes" that would help buyers see the value in the house, she pooh-poohed me.

S-I-L: The buyer is just going to have to know that this is an old house that will need some fixin' up.

Jill: Sure, but if you took down those broken, plastic shades on the lanai, they'd be able to see the backyard.

S-I-L: Yeah, I think my parents put those up in the '70s.

Jill: Exactly.

S-I-L: No, they need to stay. They were a part of our lives here.

Jill: (wince)

I could sit here all day and kvetch about why I didn't want to go back. But the key point here is that I took the coward's way out and just.didn't.answer.my.phone. Sister-in-law left 6 messages for me yesterday, finally wondering "if I was OK."

Dear Lord, I am a schmuck. Why didn't I just tell her No or make up some silly excuse.

Dodging a commitment is very bad on the stomach...not to mention the head. I am now going to have to figure out how to explain and apologize. She already knows I am a Loser (thumb and forefinger in place), now I'm going to have to snivel and be the Bad Person.

Really, I was trying to be a Good Person and I sort of succeeded on that first day. But any points that I made certainly went down the drain yesterday. Leaving me to wonder:

Why wasn't she the Bad Person for even asking me to do this in the first place?

Why wasn't she the Bad Person for calling me 4 days late?

Why wasn't she the Bad Person for asking me to help her pack up a house when she knew that nothing could be boxed or thrown away because of her mother's state of mind?

The answer? Because I am the Bad Person. Always. My fate in life, I know this to be true. I grew up this way and it's a role that either lands at my feet or is heaped upon me by my family.

I've grown to accept it. Except when I'm smack dab in the middle of it...like today.

Older Girl called yesterday to tell me that she loves and misses us.

Her parents have moved the family to No-Name, Kansas...population 400. Older Girl is (once again) the caretaker of 4 year old Younger Girl...while their mother goes out all day and "spends time with friends."

My sister in law has to return to California for her court date - the DUI, meth and marijuana possession hearing and sentencing. She has told Older Girl that she'll be ordered to do some community work and then the charges will be expunged from her record.

What kind of fantasy world does my sister-in-law live in?

In the meantime, Older Girl is miserable. No friends, no money, no furniture (only a futon pad for her and her sister to share for a bed), no food and the incessant fighting of her parents.

Oh, and her older sister (the one recently diagnosed with schitzophrenia) is also addicted to online gambling. Just like her daddy.

I suppose I am so angry because my in-laws insist on keeping their family "together" and then they neglect them. Utterly. As in, they spend what little money they have on drugs, alcohol and gambling. So the kids go hungry, wear worn out clothes that don't fit, and sit alone in the house while their parents are out cavorting. They are subjected to drunken brawls that happen during the twice weekly poker tournaments in their home. And one or both parents frequently pass out from the booze or drugs, resulting in the kids sobbing hysterically because they've been threatened not to call 911. So all they can do is sit and wait...hoping that their parents aren't dying...but never really sure. Once, my brother in law collapsed from his drunkeness and he hit his head on the coffee table. Blood was everywhere and the girls could only check his pulse and do nothing else. He would have throttled them if they had called for help.

Older Girl: I am so angry at them, Aunt Jill. They promised me that things were different but they are exactly the same. Mom doesn't want to spend time with Younger Girl at all. She has nothing to do with her. And all mom and dad do is fight. And it's boring here. We don't have any furniture, no tv and it's unbelievably hot.

Jill: I'm sorry to hear this honey. Things will get better when school starts and you meet some new friends. You did such a terrific job here in Colorado and I just know that you will do the same there. You just need to give it some time.

Older Girl: Well, I'm fighting with my parents. They're blowing it again.

Jill: The thing you have to remember is that your parents are doing the best that they know how to do. They don't know any differently and rather than talk "smack" to them, you've got to give them some "slack." Plus, you're doing something really important by taking care of Younger Girl.

Do I want to send her a one-way bus ticket? Yes.

Do I want to offer to give my sister and brother in law all of the money that we will spend on the adoption to become guardians of their two kids? Yes.

Is it wrong for me to want to do that? Yes.

Is it worth trying in order to save Younger Girl from a hard, harsh and neglected life?

I dunno.

The 2nd pregnancy test is basting, and as I sit here willing my mind to not exude any hope over a positive result, I am being swarmed by cats. All four of them are sprawled out on the floor around my feet. It's as though they already know the outcome and they want to be close to me to offer moral support.

It's OK. Although it's really not.

The older and more peaceful I become, the more the sadness grows over not being able to have a baby. In my other life (California Hell, I like to call it) I was too busy, too stressed, too uptight and too depressed. I couldn't imagine carrying a baby to term and having any shot at staying healthy and well. I pictured myself dying in childbirth because it would be too much for me to handle. And there was no possible way that we would have been able to afford a baby. I could not have worked at the same, high-intensity level and we would not have been able to pay the mortgage.

Now, I'm living a different story. I'm a kinder, gentler Jill who is surrounded by pregnant friends.

(pause)

It's confirmed. I'm not pregnant.

My heart is hurting.

Smart little furr-balls, they are.

Peaks & Valleys

On a bit of a downward slide.

I stand in place and watch things around me change or crumble or completely fall apart.

Husband's job is No More.
The once-offered job for me has been rescinded.
They recognized the salary was waaaay too low.
Repairs on the car top $3600.
Insurance hasn't yet confirmed that they will pay.
Husband's employer is dickering over his paycheck.
And they owe him for work done 2 months ago.
I'm moody, tearful and overly sensitive.
And I'm not pregnant.
Confirmed by a test this morning.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm thinking that the Husband job problem is an opportunity for me to approach this situation differently, with faith and love and support. I hate to admit that I've never really been gracious with my husband over his employment or income. I've always had very high expectations and typically think in tactical terms. Husband thinks more in terms of loyalty and emotion.

Example: Husband once worked for a company for over 14 years. About 8 years before he finally left, they started dipping into the 401k general fund....yes, as in borrowing money and then replacing it at a later time. So Husband stopped contributing...but he didn't quit. Around 5 years before he left the company, all sick days become "non-paid", they stopped providing annual evaluations/ salary increases, and they fiddled with overtime amounts so that they could pay less. Finally, one year before he left, the company went bankrupt. All employees lost their banked vacation days and many weren't paid for work done. Husband had about 250 hours of vacay time banked and he lost.it.all.

I remember asking (imploring) him to leave and to find a better job. But he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to "let the president of the company down." I shot back, "But he's letting you down by using your 401k funds illegally and not giving you increases and taking away your sick days!"

My words fell on deaf ears.

Hence, my absolute fear of what happens next with husband and his job. The man is wildly talented. But he's an artist and he's not ambitious in a strategic way.

And ultimately, we'll be fine. I know this deep down in my heart.

But that doesn't stop the irrational panic attacks in the middle of the night. My foreboding sense that we're entering a downward spiral into a succession of bad things happening that are out of our control to stop.

I went through all of this just over a year ago. Really, I'm not ready for this again.

But the world has placed this situation at our feet and I now have the chance to act differently when stressed and under duress. I'm going to be nicer. More understanding and supportive.

Damn, but it's hard to do What's Right when you're riddled with fear.

Be assured, I didn't speak the words outloud.

This interaction happened around 11am this morning and I'm still bothered by it, still tear-up, and continue to feel hurt.

He's probably forgotten all about it. Because that is his M.O.

My M.O. is to try to honor my parents and I've busted my yams doing this for many, many years. I'm tired and I won't accept abuse.

And I don't forget that easily.

Just like every family gathering from when I was a kid....every holiday meal...and most occassions when we just sat down to talk...my Dad erupted in anger and spit out hateful words at me today. His face was drenched in disgust, and he called me by my mother's name...his voice dripping with scorn.

We were in the car on our way to brunch in Boulder. Dad had made the comment that the US was probably in Iraq so that we could maintain our huge debt...which keeps international investors happy. Lower debt means lower inflation which means lower value on money...or so went his argument. I was asking questions because I didn't understand.

"Wouldn't lower inflation and lower debt be better for the county?"
"Why would we care we had to call in all of the bonds, pay off the investors but still be flush with cash?"
"Why would we care that the money had a lower monetary value vs when it was borrowed if we were able to pay down the debt and reduce inflation?"

Dad basically told me that I'm an idiot, that I don't listen, and that I'm just like my mother.




And a very happy Father's Day to you too...asshole.

Boulder, Colorado.

• Population of about 100,000.
• 84" average snowfall per year
• Rated as the "Number One Sports Town in America" by Outdoor Magazine
• Robert Redford worked as a janitor here before becoming famous
• Home to a dear friend of mine who I've known since 2nd grade
• Today's destination for a Father's Day Brunch

When I first saw this incredible double rainbow, I was convinced that the end of it landed right on top of our house. Our new friends and neighbors, our home and our slower-paced lives certainly feel like we discovered a pot of gold.

I realize that I have no right to complain about anything. I have been lucky and blessed in all areas of my life. And the truth of growing up poor and in a violent household is that it gave me an awareness of the plight of others who are less fortunate. It also helped me decide how I didn't want to live. Having two parents who despised one another and solely communicated through yelling was agonizing. It was tough being the designated whipping-boy for all that they hated about their lives. Our lives were always on edge - waiting for the next emotional outburst to spew forward and hurt those in its path.

Now that I can look back at my childhood from a distance, I can see that I gained dividends of knowledge about life, relationships and discipline. Here are a few that I developed:

• If you're unhappy about your income, get off your butt and do whatever it takes to improve your lot in life. Don't just sit back and nag the spouse. Go to school, read a book, get training that you can use to get a (better) job.
• Being incessantly over-critical will shatter your kid's self-esteem.
• Keep the house as clean as possible. Mental decay can easily set-in when the piles become too big to deal with.
• Jealousy is poison. Stalking is destructive.
• Do not ever, ever move-out of the house without a word. The heartbreak that you cause your kids will last a lifetime...along with an inability to fully trust.
• Do not hit your kids on the head.
• Do not yell in public places or in the backyard for all of the neighbors to hear.
• Use the tough times to pull everyone together instead of allowing it to splinter you all apart.
• If you're miserable and unhappy, talk to someone about it. Keeping it bottled up inside will slowly drive you mad to the point where you can no longer deal with normal life. You'll be at risk of suffering from a breakdown. And family members won't understand because you never shared any of the challenges. In fact, your silence will cause them to think that You are the Problem.
• Most importantly, don't blame your spouse for you lot in life. If you don't like it, get out there and improve it. Nobody ever got what they really wanted by being a victim. It usually just delivers more misery.

I'm always wistful when I see magazine articles about Daughters Reveal The Best Advice Their Mom's Ever Gave. I didn't have a mom who shared wisdom from life's experiences. I didn't have a dad who could role model integrity or devotion. But together, they taught me alot. Through their actions, their procrastination, their continuous yelling and fighting, and their steadfast secrecy about their unhappiness and hardship.

For all of that, I am grateful...and yes, very lucky to be able to finally, finally see all of it for what it was. Not a predictor or mandate of a life that would be similar to theirs...but a string of lessons that opened my heart to others and helped me focus on what I really wanted to do and be.

Gaaahhhh

Sister in law was arrested in California for DUI, possession of marijuana and possession of meth amphetamines. Older Girl, Younger Girl and Oldest girl were in the car with her. Oldest girl was also arrested for possession of marijuana. She's the one who was recently diagnosed with schitzophrenia.

Husband's brother bailed them out of jail by using all of the money they had saved for a house downpayment.

My heart is breaking for the kids....especially Younger Girl. She hasn't got a chance in hell for a decent life.

I am surrounded by big-bellied women and they are everywhere. At neighborhood parties, in the media, in the grocery store.

Today is one of these days when I'm feeling resentful and angry at myself for not being able to get pregnant. I think about my body and the way it's let me down. It assaults me with raging cramps every.single.month that feel as though my legs are being shredded with a serrated knife. It bloats out and makes me look 5 months pregnant. My uterus makes me live through the misery of its existence without giving me the benefit of what it is built for: Having a baby. All pain...no reward.

It is so much easier to have your own baby than it is to adopt. We are being scrutinized from head to toe. Our entire lives are being studied to insure that we will be fit and caring parents. The time it takes to go through the adoption process is excrutiating... I imagine the 6-8 week wait to pick up the baby after already having met him/her will be a living hell. And don't get me started on the financial aspect of adoption.

I am just feeling really down today. And I'm bored. And I seem to lack purpose.

Husband's employer is about 2 months behind on payroll...so I'm bitter and anxious too. The A/C in my car stopped working (because of my accident about 1.5 years ago) and they're telling me that the car frame is bent so a new radiator cannot be attached. Can't wait to learn about the final Amount Due.

I realize that life will continue to be klugy no matter how far we've traveled.

I just wish we had a baby right now. The other stuff is peripheral and just plain irritating. The baby issue is deeper, more fundamental and agonizing. And I hate my body for not working properly.

I know, I'm an ingrate because I am healthy in all other aspects. And I don't deserve to be whatwith my lack of exercise and weight.

My mind is running in circles. I'm going to go clean a closet and stop thinking about Me.

Fiesta!

It's hard to believe. A bit shocking and sad in a bittersweet kind of way.

Husband turns 50 in August.

I'm planning a birthday bash for him. We'll have some of these swaying in the wind. We'll chow-down on cheese enchiladas and fajitas and frosty, cold margaritas. These will cover the backyard sky and we'll sway to the music of the flamenco.

Most importantly, Husband will be with the people he loves. The old friends from California, his family from all over the US and his newest friends who live right here in CO. He is such a kind, gentle soul and I thank my lucky stars every day. Somehow, we found each other in the midst of this crazy world.

True, he's really going to be 50 going-on 8 years old. But that's part of the reason why I fell in love with him.

Oh. Duh!

Apparently Jill doesn't know how to count to 28.

That explains it all.

An Explanation

I grew up in a household where broken things didn't get fixed.

My parents didn't have any money and my dad was intent on doing the work himself. So that basically added-up to the work never getting done.

One instance was when the ignition broke on my dad's old Volvo station wagon. He removed the plastic casing around the steering wheel base and (somehow) started the car with a screw driver. When that stopped working after about a year, my sisters and I had to push the car out of the driveway and down the street so he could jump-start it by slipping the clutch.

It was humiliating.

The broken dishwasher sat outside in the backyard for about 10 years. A gaping hole in the cabinetry was left open and void. It took over two years to fix the broken air conditioner, so we suffered through the hot summer nights with no relief...windows wide open...all of the sheets kicked off the bed. The outdated motor home sat in the front yard driveway for more than 15 years. It had two flat tires and dingy old curtains that had slipped off their bracket and puddled into one heaping, spider-infested mess. The side panels were rusted and the entire vehicle heaved over to one side in a scary, it's-gonna-roll kind of way. In over 50 years, my parents painted the house exterior...twice. And when the overhead light in the kitchen stopped working...they replaced it with a table top lamp that was missing its shade...the extension cord running through the middle of the kitchen...always threatening to trip the unobservant guest.

Two nights ago I asked my dad why he didn't change professions and get a better job. His reply was startling:

"I didn't want to have to start from ground zero. I didn't want to waste my industry knowledge."

"But Dad, you kept getting fired from your jobs, so you were basically already at ground zero. Why couldn't you find something different that worked better for you and paid more?"

"I dunno. I never really thought about it."

Huh?

Did Dad's inability to fix things extend to his career as well? How could he not see that we were forced to eat artichokes (and nothing else) for days at a time because we had no money? How could he not understand that we were immersed in poverty? And it impacted us in so many profound ways? The screaming matches about money between he and mom? Our inability to ever take family vacations? The items around the house that never got fixed because he couldn't afford the replacement parts? The dinners they didn't go out to and the five-member family that had to share 1lb pound of ground beef for dinner? (It was purchased for $1)

Instead of thinking about how he could obtain a job that he could keep, my dad spent hundreds of hours on his favorite hobby: Killing flies with a broken rubber band. There were plenty of them all over the backyard...so he was able to perfect his unique skill. Some were killed mid-air. Most were killed against the house. Dad must have killed thousands of flies - and he was wholly satisfied doing it.

I suppose seeing the futility of Dad's efforts and time had a tremendous impact on me. I've always been competitive and driven, and I've always believed that I should be well paid for my work. This may make me somewhat of a hardass about following the plan and not stopping until the job is completed.

I have tried to understand my parent's choices, but I can't fully comprehend their acceptance of a loveless marriage, living in abject poverty and abusing each other with misery and spite for years and years. The decay surrounding all of our lives - both tangible and intangible- was suffocating and oppressing.

I am so happy and relieved and so very grateful that I have been able make a better life. Life with my parents was hellish, and they did nothing about it.

Statistic Don't Lie, Dammit.

So shake off the hopelessness and keep moving forward. You will succeed. You will earn more. And you will be able to support your kids. Now is not the time to throw in the towel. Do whatever it takes to get that degree.

Average earnings of Teachers employed in Texas in 2003-2004: $40,494
Not to mention the health and retirement benefits.

Getting your degree is the single, most powerful predictor of elevating yourself into a higher income bracket. Of course you have to go out there, get the job, and perform the work responsibly. Of course it's going to be hard work. But you will be able to kiss those $8.00/hour jobs goodbye...forever.


Income, Income Tied to Education:

Using 2000 data, the U.S. Census Bureau projects earnings based on educational attainment to be as follows:

Not high school graduate: $18,900 annually, $1.0 million worklife*
High school graduate: $25,900 annually, $1.2 million worklife*
Bachelor’s degree: $45,400 annually, $2.1 million worklife*
Master’s degree: $54,500 annually, $2.5 million worklife*
Doctoral degree: $81,400 annually, $3.4 million worklife*

The difference between having a high school diploma or having a college degree is huge. But in your case, you will end-up earning about 3 times your current income.

Seriously. Get off the Mopey Track and feel good about how you are improving your life every.single.day. Do not quit and keep reminding yourself that you're doing all of this hard work so you and your kids will have an easier and better life in the very near future.

Good for a few belly laughs. I haven't seen them all yet, but Room 808 abd Bud Light Swim got me giggling.

A truly fabulous cookbook.

I am not exaggerating: Everyone who I know here in Colorado owns this cookbook and raves about the unique and yummy recipes. So I bought it. And I love it. This weekend I'll make the chocolate poundcake.

Her remark was a personal attack and she made a Direct Hit:

"You are such a Goodie-Twoshoes."

"I am not."

"Ohhh Gawd. You are the most Goodie-Twoshoe person I have ever known. I typically don't hang out with them."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't really feel that I can be myself when I'm with you. I always have to watch what I say. You're so straight all of the time. It's really hard to be with you."

Ka-pow. Just like that, a friend that I've been spending time with for close to a year tells me what's really going on in her head.

Her comment blurted out after I chided her for calling a Hispanic man a sp*c. He wasn't standing too far away from us and he was with his family. I told her that I didn't agree with her and that I wasn't comfortable with her glaring accusation of him in front of his family, in front of me and in front of another woman who just happened to be standing nearby. My friend grunted in disgust and then started to tell me how she felt about African Americans. So rude, so off base.

And because I told her that she was wrong to say those words outloud and wrong to view people that way...I suddenly became the world's Ultimate Goodie-Twoshoes who squelches her ability to have fun and just.be.herself.

"To hell with that," I replied.

This gal was born and raised in a very small, Midwestern town. There was no diversity, no compassion, no tolerance. Just Elitism running amuck...making everyone there feel that they were better than the rest. And it's still dwelling in her belly, that unaccepting, narrow-minded opinion of others. I'd already known about her penchant to hang out with the country club girls, i.e. the Affluents. But I wasn't aware of the degree of intolerance that runs through her veins. And it isn't just about race. It's directed toward Christians, housewives and people who have a lot of children. I'm sure it's been directed at me a few times because I am not...polished...in an affluent kind of way. Anyone who lives differently than she does is not welcome in her world.

Why do I keep running into these types of people all of the time? They think they are better than everyone else...and yet it's their judgmental attitudes that make them considerably less enviable than other people. And at the end of the day, no amount of money is going to buy class. You've either got it or you don't.

And how interesting of her to turn the attack onto me. She honestly thought that I would sit there and gleefully disparage the people surrounding us.

Sorry. Not my thing.