You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul are You?

Thank you, My Spirit.

I went downstairs yesterday to ask Dad what he wanted for dinner. I found him in bed, sobbing.

Jill: Dad! What's wrong?

Dad: Hmph. Grrg. It don't know.

Jill: Dad, are you OK?

Dad: Arg. Gawk. I. Think. Not. Gork. So.

Jill (becoming intensely alarmed): Dad, can you sit up? Do I need to call 9-1-1?

Dad (sobbing violently): Gawk. Eeek. Gurp.

At that point, I called emergency and the paramedics took Dad back to the hospital. He's still there and we're waiting for the doctor's analysis on What Happened. Was it a TIA? Not sure. Was it a heart attack? They're not sure.

Dad is back to his old self....sort of. He's cracking jokes with the nurses and reading the newspaper.

Me? I'm tormented by finding my dad in bed, sobbing, out of his head...and holding onto my hand tightly because he was as convinced as I was that he was about to die.

I'll never forget the fear and pain in his eyes. Ever.

We drank and ate and hooted and toasted our new friendships. Then we retreated to the home of the dinner-organizer for drinks in The Pub. It's a truly spectacular basement renovation that feels like a separate entity. It looks like a building on the outside of the room and once inside, you completely forget that you're in a house. There's an authentic, 40 year old wooden bar that was shipped in from New York and an impressive wine cellar. Leather chairs, good music and funky drink glasses were a nice touch.

We drank vodka shots and play blackjack and craps for hours. I finally threw in the towel around 11:30pm. Husband got home after 1:30am. Over coffee this morning, we reminisced and giggled over how lucky we feel to live here and experience a newfound degree of happiness and fun.

Okay, I'm smart enough to know that money doesn't buy happiness. But cashing-out from the Bay Area real estate market and moving here was the best thing that we have ever done.

Husband and I are racing around the house tonight, trying to get Dad fed and ourselves dressed for dinner out with friends. There will be 12 of us crowded into The Hacienda for margaritas and chile rellenos.

We all live on the same street.

And I'm strangely content with the fact that Husband and I are friends with so many of our new neighbors.


Gawd, I love Colorado!

Let's Suppose....

...you were contemplating a relo to the Denver area. Here are the websites that I scoured before making the final decision.


http://www.bestplaces.net

http://www.cityrating.com/citystats.asp?city=Denver&state=CO

http://www.realestatecolorado.net
Click on Area Cities and check out the demograpics and detailed descriptions for each one.
Create a log-on id and then you can search active real estate listings

http://www.metrodenver.org


http://www.kentwoodhomestour.com/


www.secretproperties.com
Under "Find Homes" search all Local Listings

www.realtor.com


Once I targeted a specific county, I went onto the XXX county assessor website to look at homes, values, purchase prices, etc.

I also have the name of a friendly, and highly honest real estate agent who knows the areas extremely well and will freely provide the pros and cons to each.

Husband and I are stuck on the question of adopting one or two babies. It's easy to make a case for either scenario.

My heart says, "Adopt two and have a full family. They will have one another to play with and grow old with...God willing. It will be tiring but worth it in the end."

My head says, "You're older now and you operate more slowly. Your lifestyle will change less with only one baby. More peace, less work. Easier to travel. Actually, just easier all the way around."

Because of our age, we really only have this one moment to complete the adoption. It's unlikely that we'll be able to go through the process again in a few years. There is also the money factor. Getting two at different times will cost $$ x 2 versus two at the same time costing $$ x 1.4. Believe me, it makes a big difference...especially with me not working and us living very close to the bone each month financially.

Yet again, I'm frustrated because I don't have things "figured out." How will we afford college for two? Dance lessons or soccer league or ice hockey? What happens if Husband's career slows down and I have to go back to work? Will we ever be able to travel again if we adopt two? Everyone tells me that it's easy to plunk one baby onto a plane and take it anywhere in the world. But have two kids, and you're in for bigger, uglier challenges. What if we adopt only one and it turns out to be a problem child? What if we adopt two and the second one turns out to be a problem child?

What if?
What if?
What if?

This Great Unknown is killing me. And because all of this is pre-planned (no "accidents" that make a unanimous decision moot) we have the luxury of contemplating both options with the pros and the cons.

So I'm swimming in emotional circles.

Do we go the Safe Route and just adopt one or do we follow our hearts and adopt two and know that things will work out as they always have?

I purchased this painting several months ago at a small, dusty antique store north of Denver. I paid less than $100 mostly because the owner thought that it was a print. I knew from the crackles that it was an original and frankly, the frame should be worth more than the price that I paid.

I was convinced that I had found my very own Antiques Roadshow Success Story. Chills of elation ran down my arms as I signed the check to make the purchase.

I snapped a few photos of the painting as soon as I got home and sent them to a local auction house for an appraisal. While I waited for the response over the course of several weeks, I began to dream big. A New Kitchen, that's what I would get with all of the money that I would make. Imagine. An oven that doesn't burn my cookies. A stove that has some gusto. Counter tops that don't scrap the skin off our forearms when we brush against it.

Sadly, the auction house sent me an email informing me that the item didn't meet the minimum value of $500 for them to provide the appraisal.

Rats.

I suppose I should have been looking at antique firearms or funky tribal hats. You know, the items that bring in the Big Bucks Deluxe on the show.

So the painting is now hanging in the living room in a fairly benign locale. No big light illuminating it. No big story about my shopping finesse.

Just a nice, little oil painting. No big deal.

Dad told me that he "wouldn't be around much longer," last night through a sea of tears. My heart broke and crumbled into a thousand pieces all over again.

He's back from the hospital after having angioplasty. He needed two stents and the doctor declared his vessels to be in "pretty good shape." Immediately following surgery, Dad had excruciating chest pain that took the RNs a couple of hours to get under control. They were jittery and "very concerned" and it spread over to me as I sat there, watching them systematically test his blood pressure, administer morphine and hold his hand.

Now that he's home, it's difficult to get him up and out of bed. He's as weak as a kitten.

So last night he told me that I need to be prepared for his death. I told him that I wasn't and couldn't anticipate ever being prepared. Dad isn't afraid to die, though he doesn't want to leave. I can't get the visual out of my head: Dad in bed on his side, looking out the window at the clear blue sky and reflecting how clear it is...that there is no smog.

It was wistful but appreciative.

Life is still inside him even though his body is slowly giving out. It's agonizing for both of us to watch it evolve without having any ability to stop it.

Once again, any anger that I ever felt has slowly dissipated. I just want Dad to be comfortable and enjoy moments of sheer contentment.

I hate this.

The surgery was postponed until tomorrow morning...after being rescheduled all.day.long.

Dad has been writing (bad) checks on an account he and mom closed 4 years ago. WTBH?

Hooray for Circe! Yip Yip Hip Hooray!

Our first Colorado Home Study meeting is next week. GULP!

The Ties that Bind and Blind and Confound

Dad is scheduled for an angioplasty later this morning. It will be his 12th.

Last night, as we chatted with him in the hospital room, I muttered the evil words, "I suppose your doctor will want you to start on a cardiac diet right away."

Dad gave me Stink Eye and replied, "If the doctor wants to put himself on a cardiac diet he's free to do so. I won't. I want Kentucky Fried Chicken on the day they spring me from this joint. You'll also need to get macaroni and cheese as a side and some biscuits." He kept jabbing his finger at me as he spoke these words.

To which I said, "Ummm....doesn't that make me an Enabler."

"Baby, it's my life and I'll eat whatever I want." Jab. Jab.

I sat there for a bit, pondering on the fact that my mother diligently adhered to her medical diet and medication schedule...and she passed away before my father. In the meantime, Dad's had open heart surgery, a couple of strokes, a dozen angioplasty's...all while refusing to take the prescribed meds. "Statins don't do any good and cortisone is over-rated." He also refused to go to rehab...insisting that he could do different exercises himself at home. Which he never did...so now, he barely shuffles around and will need a wheelchair soon. He defiantly eats a cube of butter with his bread, takes his Rascal through the McDonald's drivethru and (this is the ultimate) he salts his McDonald's french fries. Seriously, he doesn't even try to cut back or be healthy. In many ways, he snubs his nose at conventional wisdom and does the thing that should actually hurt him the most.

I must come to terms with The Truth. There is no logic to life and death. If there was, my mom would most definitely still be here. As would my sister.

So I was left shaking my head in disbelief last night as I listened to my dad talk about the Bad Luck that's followed him throughout his life. I couldn't help but think that's he's been Awfully Lucky...and he doesn't even know it. Having 3 daughters who continued to talk to him after all of his shenanigans. A wife who stayed with him after he left her, spied on her, planted recording devices throughout the house, had an affair and basically belittled her for the duration of their marriage. Living into his eighties despite his blatant disregarded for medical and physician intervention. Housed and cared for by the daughter that he never believed to be "his" biologically - and sent her into a major depression by requesting a dna test for settlement leverage in a divorce.

Oy vey. I could go on and on and on and on and on and on.

It's classically ironic, isn't it?

And yet, here I am. Feeling duty-bound to Honor My Father and make his final years more comfortable than he's ever experienced.

I no longer feel the unconditional adoration for him that consumed me well into my twenties. I'm older and wiser and have a truer perspective. So I carry forward with my duty all while feeling mildly, emotionally vacant. I love him, but in a much quieter and controlled way.

However, I remain stunned that he doesn't see how very lucky he's been in life - both Then and Now.

Why does this make me angry and resentful? Because it isn't fair or just as compared to the fates of my mother and sister.

I really need to get over myself and accept life in all of its impartial happenstance.

911 - What's Your Emergency?

Dad was taken to the hospital yesterday morning via the paramedics. He's having trouble with his heart and he's been admitted indefinately. This is bringing up all kinds of issues about mortality. Again.

Dad's made it easier on us by stating that he's "lived a full life and is ready to go." My mom was horrifically afraid to die and begged us to do anything/everything to keep her alive. Dad has made peace with the inevitable. Mom didn't until the very end.

Me? I'm just a wet noodle that folds at any hint of trouble. Frankly, I'm tired of dealing with death. I want to go back to La-La Land where I live oblivious to the pain of human loss.

I've been so lucky for so long. It's turned me into a big baby.

Dad's friends have passed away. He's not able to walk very well and he sleeps most of the day. His life's highlight seems to be food. Dad has taken the Jackie Gleason approach to this: "I'll damned-well eat whatever I want. To hell with the doctors. No salt, no fat, no taste...No Way." Needless to say, he's being a real Pip in the hospital as it pertains to food. His diet over the last two days has been fruit, low-fat ice cream and tapioca pudding. Strangely enough, the nurses allow it.

I am as worried about my Dad's health as I am about the fact that he may or may not have insurance coverage. Sheer Panic would be the best description. Despite my gentle urging (nagging), he took too long to request insurance coverage after his move. Plus, he didn't pay his January premium, but I'm hoping for a grace period. So. Out of network cardiac emergency with active or cancelled coverage. Hmph. Can't wait to deal with all of this.

Would it be inappropriate for me to march right into his hospital room and shake him like a rag doll?

"What were you thinking you cheap, obstinate man? I told you so. I told you so. I told you sooooo."

I suppose the staff on duty would come and wrap me up in a jacket and take me away. Seriously. This is the kind of stuff that drives me nuts. Because Dad and Mom were always this way. They never paid their bills on time. They always lived on the edge of risk. And I hate that - so much so that I have dedicated my life to being utterly stable. Indeed, my current unemployment is extremely uncharacteristic of me. I'm way too high-strung over financial stability, retirement planning and good credit.

Whoof! I've got to get ahold of myself. I know that people have lost everything because of medical bills...but I shouldn't jump to conclusions.

Besides, I've got my dad's health to worry about. We are going to have to deal with everything else at a later time.

I'm hosting Bunko tonight so the day will be filled with me shopping at Dream Pastries and Whole Foods Market for foodstuff.

When I lived in the Bay Area, a friend told me about the growing Bunko Craze and suggested that we put together a group. I couldn't find the time to carve out 3 hours a month. Or rather, it was a time/energy issue. No mental space to take on anything new...I was just hanging by my claws to hold onto what was.

Now I get together with 11 neighbors and we chit chat the night away. Nothing too serious or deep, we just catch up on each others' lives and share a few jokes and glasses of wine.

I like it. I don't ever win any of the prizes, but I still have fun. It's comforting for me to know my nieghbors, be friends with many of them, and get updates on the community happenings. It's nice to feel as though I'm part of something...especially now that I'm not working. The HOA opportunity reared it's head again recently...one of the members may be transferred so I've been asked to consider accepting an appointment to the board. If I say "yes," it's going to put a crimp in my neighborly friendships. Everyone hates the HOA board...despite the number of hours they work as volunteers. And I'm not one who loves to be hated.

It's been a sluggish day.

I reviewed 20 online bead stores that I found in Beads & Buttons Magazine. Many offered better pricing, so I'll be converting. I also ordered a new software program that will help me manage my inventory and track the items that I have out on consignment. I paid bills, cooked, did the dishes twice, vacuumed, did three loads of laundry, organized the office filing system, sniped two items on ebay, watered the indoor and outdoor plants and made my mother in law a pearl necklace/bracelet set. I also burst into tears 3 times.

My sister passed away unexpectedly a year ago, on Sunday night. We spoke for the last time right about now. As usual, I fiddled with my computer while we talked. She asked me to pick up some sugar free candy from a local store, and she shared with me that she was exhausted. Three surgeries within the last 5 months had really taken a lot out of her. I listened and said, "Um-hmmm" in understanding...and then we signed off. Forever.

I don't know what's worse: Someone dying with no notice or someone who fades away slowly from disease.

Frankly, they both suck.

I've been trying to shake loose this awareness of the 1 Year Anniversary, and I finally decided to let it go. Lord knows that I celebrate every other anniversary so it's no wonder that this one keeps slapping me on the brain. My sister Denise is going to walk down to the pier where we released Jo Mama's and Ann's ashes in the ocean. I'll never, ever forget that sight of two, bobbing boxes floating off with the current. People who shared laughter, anger, hope and love with me...reduced to fitting into a box drifting away in the cold and dark water. It didn't seem right, even though that was what they wanted.

I suppose I'll get back to work and keep myself busy. But the pain in my gut will not go away. The newness of this wonderful life in Colorado is wearing off...and the oldness returns. The sadness, the memories.

Ah, hell. I'm going to go soak in the tub.

This and That...All Over the Map.

I don't believe in cloning - but if I did, this little guy would be my top contender. He is the most loving, snuggly and affectionate cat on the face of the planet. The fact that he's craggy and persnickety at times makes him even more lovable. I have always said, "He's the best $42 bucks I've ever spent."

My marriage license was a pretty good purchase too.

All of this got me thinking about value and how its not related to cost or status. I've bought plenty of things in an effort to improve other's perceptions of my status and/or success. I was feeling inadequate at the time because I had been pushed out of my position at a company where I had worked for 9 years. I was a victim of politics and a VP powerplay. Thankfully, my career ego recovered and I stopped buying things so no one would think that I was slipping down the career ladder.

I have also paid more money for things that I thought would add value to my life - and in a way they have - but not on a meaningful, visceral level. I am very clear that we are mere caretakers of the things that we "own." In all likelihood, they will outlast us and move on to another owner.

Of course, some items make that move sooner than the rest. I have made some really bad purchases over my lifetime and in retrospect it seems funny now.

The HealthRider, NordicTrac, Nike Slide, Rocket, ThighMaster and 30 other pieces of under-utilized equipment pieces.
The bright fuschia satin dress with the 4" wide belt and the satin shoes that I had dyed to match.
The 15 yoga video tapes that sit idle in a box somewhere.
The combination can opener-flashlight-hand mixer-pot scrubber kitchen tool.
The George Forman grill.
The pizza stone.
The Ab Cruncher.
The faux fur jacket that made me look like Sasquatch.
The Beanie Babies.
The Birkenstocks.
The Laura Ashley peasant dresses.
The pink and black rug.
The square dinner plates with the poodle topiaries printed in the middle.

Egads, I could keep going.

Now that I'm older and wiser (heh), I am spending less on the fad items. The only item that's caught my attention recently is a Pandora bracelet - which is on its way "out" of fashion. That's OK by me - I can get the charms on discount. I'm usually behind the times anyway.

Good Morning, Handsome.

Boss is striking his GQ pose for the camera...or really, he's just showing his disdain for the fact that I am on the floor, on my belly, cooing to him to come out from behind the couch and waving my left hand to catch his attention.

Years ago, a neighbor told me his trick in micro-photography of bugs on flowers: He'd take the insects and put them in the freezer for a bit so they couldn't fly away until he got his shot.

Not really an option for me...our freezer is packed with steaks, Texas Toast and banana bread.

Kidding, of course.

Husband and I decided yesterday that this is Home and we will never go back. Not for nuthin'. So life continues to be good, even though minor irritations attempt to disrupt my bliss.

My Cobra payment went up $85.00 per month. It's almost as much as our mortgage, dammit.

The first winter heating bill arrived and it's more than $500.00. Youch.

I took dad shopping at Target and we had this discussion:

Dad: Here, I want this.
Jill: For what?
Dad: To scrub my back in the shower.
Jill: Dad, it's a toilet brush. It'll rip the skin right off.
Dad: I know. But it's pretty bad back there.
Jill: (thinking yeeeech) Please put it back and I'll get you a kinder, more gentle back brush.
Dad: Nope. This is the one. (Plop into the scooter basket.)
Jill: (thinking yeeeech. Could this be considered elder abuse?)

Insomnia has hit me two nights in a row. My mind won't stop clicking through money worries. Now that I have spent the last of my bonus money on furniture, we will be living paycheck to paycheck. Theoretically, I know that we'll be OK. So why won't this incessant worry Go Away? I'm happy. I'm safe. I'm warm in my 69 degree heated house. My cats have kibble. And husband is working.

I suppose worry is just a plain 'ol bad habit that's hard to shake. Thank gawd that I don't smoke. My success rate at quitting bad habits is nil.

The Face I Wake Up To Every Morning

The Favorite Shot

I love this photo. It talks to me.

Husband saw it last night and bluted out, "It's like magazine quality!" This is a compliment, just like when he sits down to a full, country breakfast and proclaims with excitement, "This is like a $15.00 restaurant meal!" Uh. Okay. Thanks, honey. (It's a bad thing when restaurant cooking becomes the ideal standard, don't you think?)

But I digress.

My plan is to create a website so I can start selling my jewelry items direct to the customer. I recently purchased one of these and it's made a huge difference. Suddenly, the flash on my camera provides enough lighting and the background fades into nothingness when the photo is taken from a slighter farther distance than the one depicted above. It really is true that having the proper tools makes all the difference in the world.

Ah, well. Time to retreat down to the studio in the basement to make more stuff. Have a good one.

Do I need to state the obvious and discuss the merits of having a camera that snaps photos in succession with lightening speed? pppffft. Just last week I kept missing shots because I was waiting for the damn flash to recoup. Of course, these aren't that much better. Twenty seven rapid-fire photos later, and I still don't have a good shot.

Can't these little vermin pose for me just once?

Viva la Canon

Husband came home two months ago with a Canon EOS Digital something-or-other camera and I just got around to fiddling with it. I've been able to snap some shots that are knocking my socks off. This is going to be FUN.

Forward Ho.

A New Slant on an Old Habit

Predictions for 2006

1. This is the year that I will Have Fun.
Despite the ongoing waves of temptation, I am not going to look for a job until 3Q this year. In the meantime, I will spend more time outdoors with friends; Host dinner parties; Slow down; And enjoy this incredible life that God has graciously provided.

2. This is the year that my Health Will Improve.
No forecast on weight loss or vows to workout 5 times a week. I will continue my vitamin regimen, adhere to a modified version of the Blood Type Diet, and I'll stop feeling so bad about myself. It's gotten old and I'm tired of being my biggest critic.

3. This is the year that I will test New Waters.
I will take a PageMaker/Web Design class; Create, photograph and promote my jewelry; Build 3 new websites; Write a monthly design article for the HOA newsletter; Record a demo-tape; And learn to cook.

4. This is the year that I will Explore Colorado and beyond.
A trip to Chicago to explore the Art Museum and a long weekend in Taos are on the top of the list. I'll put more energy into picnics in local parks and trolling mountain destinations.

5. This is the year that my relationships will strengthen and expand.
I'll be more willing to meet new people in social situations, and I won't retreat into a solitary (emotional) cave and hide out. I'll stay in touch with long-distance friends and family more regularly and actually spend time writing letters.

6. This is the year that I will live in Gratitude.
I'm already there, and I predict that it will continue throughout the year.

True Confessions

Meme from Alexa:

List 5 weird personal habits/traits and then tag 5 people when you're done. Be sure to link to their websites. (The original instructions were copied directly and turned my computer hinky...?)

1. I love the smell of skunk.
It's never been distasteful to me or caused me to wail outloud. The bonus is that we used to have a resident skunk in our backyard in Northern California, and I remember seeing him for the first time and realizing he was strikinglyingly beautiful. Long, silky white hair against the black. Really, he was stunning.

2. I have never had a one-night stand.
I dunno, the whole stranger thing never appealed to me. Plus, I have always been a one-guy only woman. Given the fact that I grew up in the sixties and was an adult in the eighties, I think this makes me very weird, at least among most of the people who I know in the Bay Area.

3. I cannot sleep on a bed without a bottom sheet.
I don't like the feel of that slippery bed padding material. It's satin-smooth, yet rough and bumpy and it grates against my skin like a scratchy wool.

4. I kiss my cats on the whisker-lips and have asked each one to marry me.
I'm over the moon for these cats. Each one is so precious to me, I worry about them like they are my babies. I simply love and appreciate them dearly and often think what the world would be like without them, if we hadn't found them in time to rescue them. I know that they have opened my heart and filled me with tenderness and affection when I needed it most during trying/crying times. They are my little nutty-buddies.

5. I have never yearned to be pregnant.
I suppose this make me the Anti-Human, and I work very hard not to dwell on stereotyping or labeling myself as less than a woman. I have never, ever felt the need to duplicate myself. I've always been concerned about my ability to be pregnant, gain the weight, carry a baby and have it be healthy. I could never live with myself if it wasn't. This goes deep and may be spurred by the horrific way my parents handled my sister's diabetes, I dunno. I also have very bad emotions when I think about my mom being pregnant with me...something that she didn't want and threatened my sisters to not tell friends or the neighbors. Or maybe I simply missed that gene that gives a woman the obsession to get pregnant. I know that I was willing to get pregnant for my husband's sake, because he wanted kids of his own. But that didn't work out and surgery didn't seem to fix the problem. I've read other people's thoughts about infertility and tsk tsk over the torture they put themselves through. I don't think that I am no longer valuable or desireable because I can't or haven't had a baby. And I am wholeheartedly into the concept of saving the life of a little baby who has already been born and is facing untold horrors and/or stark loneliness in a state-run adoption house. I find that to be the ultimate in living honorably. More so than having my own child. And yes, I'm aware that this makes me very weird.

Tagged: Sorry gals, I've never done this before and I hope you don't mind.

Diva
Circe
Jen
Barbara
Jezzy