The Other Niece

At first glance, it was the true American Dream.

My sister and brother in law had two kids, both girls. They were financially stable and my sister was a stay-at-home mom. They took family vacations every year, spent time with the extended family, and by all accounts...things should have been perfect.

But they weren't.

The firstborn was a plucky, gregarious tow-head with a gaggle of friends and not much common sense.

Things started really going south in high school. It began with some of the typical pranks like coming home late and not calling, refusing to sit with the family at dinner time, and telling her mom that she "hated her."

Denise and Bob did everything they could to reel her in. They encouraged her to try sports, invite friends over to the house and go on vacations with the family. For the most part, she refused. She spent hours out of the home and complained about her "terrible life." Truly, this kid have every opportunity handed to her and she didn't have the ability to accept it or take advantage of it.

This Girl was born to compete in track and field...and for two years she did that and won Accolades. Her coach was serious when he offered to help her get to the Olympics. But in her junior year she quit cold turkey...with no explanation.

It was about this time that This Girl really started acting out. She'd sneak out of the house at night and ditch school. Her teachers kicked her out of class for being disrespectful and disruptive. She began to fail her classes.

Denise took This Girl to a therapist, and she was prescribed anti-depressants. Both she and the entire family underwent counseling...which invariably involved tears and screaming and fighting and harsh accusations. The therapy didn't help. Things continued to get worse.

Drugs. Alcohol. Police stations. Lies were dealt out to anyone and everyone who cared enough to try to help. We all began to wonder, "Who the hell is this kid?" Everything was spinning out of control.

Denise and Bob then tried Tough Love. They emptied her room of everything except two sets of clothes, the bed, a nightstand and a mirror.

This Girl didn't care. Losing her pictures, posters, clothing, music, movies and jewelry had Zero Impact. The horrible behaviour not only continued...it escalated. To this day, my sister hasn't told me the worst of what happened. Somehow, she feels that all of this is her fault.

Ultimately, things crescendoed and This Girl was kicked out of high school without graduating. On the day that it happened, she was 18 and Denise and Bob finally said, "Enough." Denise packed up This Girl's belongings and placed them on the front porch. The locks to the doors were changed and This Girl was told that she was being Cut Loose. As an adult, she could fend for herself.

This kid was wallowing in failure, so her ability to fend for herself was Nill. She moved in with empathetic friends until they either got tired of her or she put the entire family at risk. She slept in the park and was arrested. She moved to LA and worked in a strip bar. She tried to get other jobs, but she kept getting into fights with her bosses. Clearly, This Girl has a problem with authority figures. Once, she punched her boss in the face. Other bad choices? Wow. Where does one start?

(Somehow) obtained credit and charged $20,000+. Which she couldn't repay.

Crashed two cars and one motorcycle. (None of them belonged to her.)

Driver's license is suspended. Insurance won't cover her.

Addicted to Meth, frequently drunk. Her skin is grey, she's covered in acne and her eyes are vacant.

Pregnancy followed...and she and didn't tell anyone until her younger sister ran into her on the street. Younger Sister was traumatized by having to break the news to her parents, and Denise was so distraught, she spent two weeks in bed. She knew, deep down in her soul what the outcome of this would be.

This Girl didn't spend two weeks with the baby. She refused to breast feed him...and started partying just a few days after giving birth.

She left him with Denise to raise...and she never once looked back.

This Girl is 26 years old and still living a terrible, unstable party life. We're not sure how she's supporting herself...it's probably best that we don't know. She knocks on Denise's front door from time to time asking for food or money. She'll typically fill up a few bags of groceries from the pantry, but she'll walk away empty-handed when it comes to the cash.

To this day, my sister doesn't know what they could have done differently. I truly wish there was a One Size Fits All solution for all parents going through this trauma. My personal fall-back position would be to send the kid to a military or boarding school. Though, I'm pretty sure that this is easier said then done.

Denise and Bob followed all of the experts' advice, and they still ended up with a self-destructive, belligerent daughter who blames all of her woes on the family, her little sister...everyone but herself. This Girl has zero self-awareness and cannot understand the consequences of her choices. It's as though her brain just stopped growing somewhere around 9th grade.

And to add even more strangeness to this situation...Denise's youngest daughter is a loving, intelligent, warm and funny kid. Graduated with Honors from UC Santa Barbara. Currently studying pre-law in San Diego. Calls her parents several times a day...sometimes just to say, "I love you." This kid is truly beyond amazing. She even hand-writes thank you notes without being reminded.

So...I've come to the conclusion that that there is No Answer....which doesn't help others who are in this situation. Ultimately, kids have to either pull themselves out or ask for help. My niece isn't able to do either. And we are all so very sad to have lost her to such a dark, scary existence that she faces every day...by herself.

If you could wake up tomorrow with one quality or ability that you do not possess today, what would you want it to be?

I would like to be Loveable.

Perspective

I drive her to school every morning and pick her up every afternoon because she absolutely, positively doesn't want to take the bus.

I overheard her tell a friend that she hates it here.

She goes out every weekend to see a movie with a group of her new friends. We pay for both movies plus snacks, we drive her back and forth, and we let her have a friend spend the night.

She hates it here.

I bought her an entirely new wardrobe plus a prom dress, shoes and make-up. I also made her custom earrings and a necklace for her prom outfit. And I let her go out with a group of kids that she and I didn't know very well...and she was allowed to stay out until 1am. Husband and I drove 35 minutes each way to pick her up that night...at 1am...even though we really preferred to be in bed.

She hates it here.

She has had unlimited use of long distance calling plus I got her a cell phone and text messaging. Supposedly the Happiest Day of her Life.

She hates it here.

We've had multiple heart to heart chats and hugs. I've held her when she cried about the deaths of a friend and a friend's mother. I've listened to her talk about her parents drug addiction, fighting, infidelity and neglect of the kids. I've told her that she always has a place here in our home if she needs to get away. I've told her that I would take her in a heartbeat and raise her as my own. I've told her that I love her a thousand times. That she is the Awesomest. A truly great kid.

She hates it here.

We've funded every activity that she wanted to attend. I've shuttled her around town dozens of times...when I didn't want to do it.

She hates it here.

I get her whatever food she wants. Slim Fast. Fish Tacos. Smoothie mix. I've helped her start a diet to lose 10lbs and have bought foods to support her in that goal. I have adjusted the family meals to accomodate her.

She hates it here.

Have I been stern compared to the way she's been raised her entire life?
Yes.

Am I tough on lying and manipulation?
Yes.

Do I make her pay the consequences for going over her 10 minute long distance phone call time limit? (19 phone calls at 20+ minutes last month.)
Yes.

Do I implore her to treat boys with respect - especially those that she taunts into liking her and then dumps when they show interest?
Yes.

Did I forbid her from driving around town with a friend who planned to tell her parents that she was spending the night at our house...when she was really over at her boyfriend's house?
Yes.

Is it mean to try to teach her how to hold a fork and knife correctly when she cuts meat...eat with her mouth closed...and sit at the table until everyone is done eating?
Apparently.

Is it a terrible thing for me to tell her that anyone can get a Loser to like them. It's the Winners that are tough to catch?
Apparently.

Am I wrong to tell her that hanging out with kids that smoke pot, drink incessantly and sleep around is taking the easy road? That doing well in school and staying clean is hard...but ultimately the right thing and the best thing?
Apparently.

I didn't agree to let her live here for so long to make her happy. I wanted to give her a break from the violence in her home, give her space from fighting with her parents and allow her to finish her sophomore year without having to repeat it. I've tried to support her in going out and having fun, and we've spent a load of money on her.

And she hates it here.

I'll be damned. Why the hell did I even bother doing this?

The baby shower was for a couple that just adopted a darling, little girl from China.

At only 14 months old, she's a happy little soul. She wore tights that were too big for her legs and ankles...so they pooled into big folds of pink down at her shoes. She also wore a pink and white polka-dotted dress with a little, white sweater. Her hair was bunched up into a ponytail on the top of her head...and it looked like a cascading waterfall of shiny, black silk.

I didn't allow myself to pick her up or hold her - I've been battling another fierce headcold for the last several days. But that didn't stop my entire torso from aching to cradle her in my arms and kiss her little forehead.

This child is loved supremely. And it grinds my heart to think of our cultural dogma that adoptive parents are somehow Less.

The adoption agency provides training to adoptive parents to deal with the child's questions about their biological parents...and they encourage the parents to assist the child in finding them. That's fine. But why do the bio-parents own the Holy Grail in everyone's eyes? Why do people assume that a bio-parent's love is deeper, truer...and more valuable? Even when they take no part in raising that child?

As I sat and watched this little girl cling to her new mom, I knew in my heart that she was with her true mother. The one who would always be there to protect, encourage and love her.

The high school just called to tell me that Older Girl skipped 6th period today.

Such a bad choice on her part. I imagine she'll regret that decision when she learns about the consequences of ditching school.

And to think, yesterday she told me that she was "perfect." That is, until she tried to pull a Runaround-Sue on me this afternoon, which cost her a beloved tanning session.

Now this. It's escalating and time to nip it in the bud.

So sad, so sad to lose your cell phone and access to the Internet...isn't it?

Rep: Thank you for calling T-Mobile. How can I help you?

Jill: Hi, I have a question about my bill. There are a bunch of charges totalling more than $50. Can you please tell me what these are for?

Rep: Let me take a look. OK, I see about 35 ringtone charges.

Jill: Wha?

Rep: Yes, here are some of the songs that were downloaded to your phone. There's "Ms. New Booty"..."My Humps"..."Ice Ice Baby"..."Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It"..."Laffy Taffy"...

Jill: But I didn't do that. I don't know how.

Rep: Hmmm. Well, does anyone else have access to your cell phone?

Jill: DOH!

Sunbathing

L-O-V-E

There's Trouble in River City

Oy Vey.

Older Girl's personality has changed radically over the last 10 days. She's gone from being vivacious and effervescent to moody and sullen. Yesterday afternoon, she cried for over an hour. I sat down with her and gave her hug...but she wouldn't open-up to me about what the problem is, and as of today, she still isn't talking.

Two days ago I asked her if she'd started her period yet. She's almost a month late.

Older Girl: No. But I'm not pregnant. I took a pregnancy test.
Jill (shocked): Where'd you get the money for that? When did that happen?
Older Girl: My friend Janie gave it to me. She had a few of them at home. I did it when I was at her house the other day.
Jill: Janie, as in the one who wanted to tell her parents that she was spending the night here when she was actually over at her boyfriend's house.
Older Girl: Yeah.
silence
Older Girl: Everyone does that, you know.
silence
Older Girl: Well it doesn't matter because it didn't happen. And I'm not pregnant. Besides, it wouldn't be your fault if I was because it would have happened in California before I got here.

Older Girl wanted to go with Janie this morning at 7am to get her car registered. Uh, DMVs aren't open on Saturdays at 8am, my dear. I have no idea where she was really going to go. But needless to say, that excursion was kaboshed.

While all of this is going on, I'm also starting to hear stories about homework due dates being cancelled by the teacher. This has happened 3 times. So I plan to meet with Older Girl's counselor at school to check in on her performance status. I'm just not getting a straight answer from her and I cannot trust that three teachers would assign projects and then say, "Oh never mind, they're not due."

I know that I'm gullible, but really now.

This is all taking me back to when my sales reps used to lie about being out in the field making sales calls. My gut told me that they were lying to my face but the only way to prove it was to go out in to the field and track them down. The truth about where one is or what one has done can be very squishy. Although I expected her to stretch the limits a bit, I told her that my one Zero Tolerance issue is lying.

I can't prove that she has lied to me...yet...but it's not looking good. And I am deeply disturbed by the pregnancy test issue, although I can't explain why. It's purely emotional.

I'm grateful for this exposure and lesson in managing (or not) a teenager. It's really opened my eyes to what's in the future for us after we adopt.

I will need to learn to accept betrayal and not grow resentful.
I will need to learn how to gauge behavior better.
I will need to learn how to foster an open discussion atmosphere so that they talk openly with me.
I will need to learn how and when to punish.
I will need to learn to feel more confident in being strict and setting up boundaries.

I have a long way to go before I'm any good at parenting a teenager. In the meantime, I'm concerned about Older Girl and her sudden transformation. It's as though she's emotionally stiff-arming me...and that's not her normal self.

This may require another dose of Botox.

For Alexa...and all of you other Curious George's

It's amazing how many women have thought about getting Botox but resisted because of the Fear Factor. The gals at Bunko were fascinated by my decision (they know that I don't ususally go for this type of thing) and wanted more information. Every Single Woman Wanted to Try It To Get Rid of their Wrinkles. My guess is that half will actually go through with it.

At $15 bucks a unit, it isn't cheap. Most applications require 20 units.

And I was scared. I was asked to sign a 3 page release form detailing all of the horrible side effects that could occur. I was especially concerned about being allergic to Botox because of my issues with Bee Stings, salt and mint.

However, my doctor had never seen an adverse allergic reaction to Botox.

It's basically a protein extracted from bacteria. It's been used for years on patients with facial spasms because it blocks the nerve endings to the targeted muscles...forcing them to relax.

I constantly walk around looking stern and unhappy because of these deep, deep frown lines between my brows. I'm tired of it, pure and simple.

I was surprised to learn that the effects of Botox don't occur right away. In most cases, it can take up to 10 days to see any changes. However, I noticed that the severity of my lines has lessened already. And that makes me happy.

My doctor also informed me yesterday that she can "fix" my lazy eye with Botox (note the photo above). Just a couple of injections in my upper eyebrow muscle and my droopy eye will match my normal eye. This is all fine and dandy but nothing urgent for me - I need to wait to see how my first injection works and then determine if I will do it again.

It's expensive...but the results are amazing.

My next step will be to start a routine that obliterates the sun damage on my face. It would be soooo coool to be able to walk around without make-up again...with glowing, fresh skin.

Sigh. I miss those carefree days, I really do.

I Just Did It

I swore that I would never do it.

I scorned those that did...and made snide comments about them. Yes, deep inside I had the yearnings but it didn't make sense for my lifestyle or my image. But the curiosity raged through my mind constantly, and I secretly thought about how my life would change if I gave in to my urges.

I never, ever expected it to happen.

But I met the most beautiful woman today and I Just Said Yes*.

I got Botox.

Nasty, deep frown lines...Asta la Vista, Baby.


*My new dermatologist has the most gorgeous, clear and natural complexion, so I told her that I had to have it too. Operation Beautification has started again!

Ugh.

I really know that I shouldn't complain. Because, well, any vacation travel is good...right?

I don't want to go to Hawaii.

But it's one of Dad's dreams to see the volcanos. I suppose he'll have to do it from a helicopter since he can't walk...unless there is access for a scooter.

I don't want to go to Hawaii.

I've been there on 9 different occasions. I've seen it, done it, been there, and I'm done with it.

I don't want to go to Hawaii.

I don't mean to be difficult, and if I have to go I will. But what about Lake Louise? Pompeii? Florence? The Bitter End? Sardinia? Hawaii is so doggone commercial and bland.

I don't want to go to Hawaii. Again.

But I'm going because this is one of Dad's choices. (Tahiti isn't a much better option...considering the 16 hour flight.) And because this will be the third vacation that we have taken together as a family...ever...I'm sure it will be a good time.

Right?

The Truth Really Does Hurt

Jill: Honey, do you typically eat like this when you get home from school?

Older Girl: Yeah.

Jill: What did you have for lunch today?

Older Girl: Tuna, a Hot Pocket, a bottle of water and a banana.

Jill: Plus your smoothie for breakfast.

Older Girl: Yeah.

Jill: Because it's 3:00pm and you're eating a full meal. Dinner is in a couple of hours. Will you be able to eat then?

Older Girl: Definitely.

Jill: Did you used to eat like this at home?

Older Girl: When we had food.

Jill: What do you mean, "When we had food?"

Older Girl: We never had food like this. No cereal, no lunch meat, no fruit. Every three months mom would go to the store and we'd have food for like, 2 weeks. And then nothing.

Jill: How did she cook dinner?

Older Girl: She didn't. We had pizza. Like, 5 times a week.

Jill: C'mon now.

Older Girl: I'm telling you the truth.


Older Girl has been eating almost as much as Husband. She goes through a half gallon of milk and a quart of orange juice a day. I stand back and watch her consume 2 cups of mashed potatoes along with 4 slices of ham, 1 cup of creamed peas, 1 dinner roll and 2 cups of sweet potato souffle. She then tops that off with 4 chocolate covered Oreos, an apple and some tortilla chips.

It's as though she's making up for some lost years of eating.

Older Girl is going back to live with her parents at the end of May. There is nothing that I can do from a legal standpoint unless she is willing to testify - which she isn't ready to do. All that I can do is hope that these few months will make an imprint in her expectations for what she wants out of life - that she will understand that her choices will dictate where she goes and what she's able to accomplish.

The other messages that I am drumming into her brain:

• She will fall in love more than once.
• Being in love is only one aspect of marriage.
• Poverty statistics show that single mothers make-up the majority of the welfare system. Meaning girls who have babies at a young age and are never married or divorced. Meaning she had better think twice about marrying a guy who has already cheated on her 8 times.
• History is a great predictor of the future.
• It's possible to have a Hottie boyfriend who's a Nice Guy (like her uncle).
• Yada, yada, yada.

Older Girl's parents are trying to get their act together. Her dad has gotten up and out of bed to work for almost two weeks now....something that she is "very proud of him for doing." Her mother has signed up to sell Kirby vacuum cleaners throughout the mid-west. They also informed Older Girl that they have "stopped smoking pot everyday."

Isn't that nice?

I'm sorry.
Did I read it correctly?

$245.00?

RRRRRRight.

Stolen, Squared...from Jennifer

Zee Meme

I AM: Selfish and generous. Intelligent but limited. Successful but unimpressive.

I WANT: To be an artist.

I WISH: I hadn't gained weight because I was angry at him.

I HATE: Thieves and cruelty to animals.

I MISS: My goat, Heidi.

I FEAR: Falling. Out of the sky, down a flight of wooden stairs, off a running horse.

I HEAR: Very poorly. Hearing aids will be part of my Golden Years.

I WONDER: If my attempts to be honest and loving really matter.

I REGRET: Not going into journalism and becoming a newscaster.

I AM NOT: Pretty or graceful...nor do I compel others to feel sympatico toward me.

I DANCE: Like a fat white girl.

I SING: Like a fat white girl.

I CRY: Frequently and keep reliving the moment when I got the call about my sister.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: Jewelry.

I WRITE: Disjointedly.

I CONFUSE: Myself. All.Of.The.Time.

I NEED: Health insurance. Life insurance. Pet insurance. Happiness insurance.

I SHOULD: Exercise.

I START: Only that which I really want to do.

I FINISH: Just on time or a tad bit late.

I'M GLAD: I married my husband.

FAVORITE QUOTE: When I look back on all the worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which never happened. Winston Churchill