Art is a kind of innate drive that seizes a human being and makes him its instrument. To perform this difficult office it is sometimes necessary for him to sacrifice happiness and everything that makes life worth living for the ordinary human being.
Carl Jung

The gal at the shelter called yesterday to tell me that Mr Noodle wasn't eating because he was depressed. We'd been approved to adopt him...could we get down there soon to pick him up?

I jumped into the car and was on the road in less than 4 minutes. After a quick stop at Target for a dog bed, collar and leash, I was back on the highway and willing myself to not speed too much. Mr Noodle is the original Wonder Dog. He's all snuggles and waggly tail and we are both so, so happy to have him.

In other news, Walter Pigeon has successfully completed his rehab and was released today. I had to feed him through an eyedropper for 4 days until his mojo returned. He burst out of his box like a rocket as soon as we arrived at the park this afternoon...never looking back. There were dozens of pigeons around plus a lake and a bridge, so I think that he will now be living La Vida Loca.

Seriously, how often does one get a 2nd chance at life?

I hope there's someone around to catch me when I need mine.

I am stealing the concept of an easy-blog day from my buddy Jen by copying her meme. I'm just too pooped to think today. I started school last Monday to obtain my state license in real estate appraisal (this is by far a very cool job and perfect for me in 1001 ways) and the homework and intense days of study are depleting my Mojo.

Consequently, here you go:

GRUB-OLOGY
• What is your salad dressing of choice? Blue Cheese Vinaigrette
• What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Without a doubt…Taco Bell
• What is your favorite sit down restaurant? Earls
• On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 18-20%
• What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Sourdough bread
• Name three foods you detest above all others. Liver. Brussel sprouts. Buttermilk.
• What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Beef Chow Fun all the way, baby!
• What are your pizza toppings of choice? Fresh tomatoes and goat cheese
• What do you like to put on your toast? Peanut butter – smooth, not chunky
• What is your favorite type of gum? Big Red

BI-OLOGY
• What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My lips
• Are you right handed or left handed? Right
• Do you like your smile? Yes, but my teeth looked better when I was 18
• Have you ever had anything removed from your body? The thing that I lovingly refer to as The Bride of Chucky – a fibroid the size of a grapefruit that hurt for years
• Would you like to? Yes, my Buddha-belly
• Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Ummm, I’m going to have to say Intuition in lieu of Thinking
• When was the last time you had a cavity? I.have.one.right.now
• What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? My 24lb cat
• Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No

MISC-OLOGY
• If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Absolutely not
• If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Take a wild guess
• How do you express your artistic side? Jewelry, interior decorating, doodling
• What color do you think you look best in? Rrrred
• How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? I would die from fear within 24 hours
• Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? No
• If we weren’t bound by society’s conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? I’m not particularly fond of my family’s gene pool…so the answer is a definite No
• How often do you go to church? Off and On in concentrated spurts.
• Have you ever saved someone’s life? Conceptually but not literally
• Has someone ever saved yours? A very wise trucker who stopped me from zooming into a side lane with a crash up ahead.

DARE-OLOGY
For this last section, if you would do it for less or more money, indicate how much.
• Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? No, but I'd do it for 2,000,000 net.
• Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Puh-leeze. Of course.
• Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? That would require a lot more money.
• Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? For $3,000,000 net I would take one for the Nipper
• Would you never blog again for $50,000? Sign me up.
• Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? No, not for any amount. I don’t believe in documenting of these sorts of things.
• Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Good Lord, never. Never. Never. Have I ever mentioned my acid reflux?
• Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Absolutely never.
• Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? I’d do it for $50,000, but not $5,000.
• Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Sign me up.

You Wanna Wha?

Husband has informed me that he now wants to try IVF.






(Jill is rendered speechless.)




Jill: You wanna wha?
Husband: I want us to try to have our own baby, no matter what it takes.
Jill: What happened to your concerns about "messing wtih God's plan" and such?
Husband: I've changed my mind.
Jill: What about our adoption from Russia?
Husband: We can put it on hold.
Jill: What about the fact that you have no job and our health insurance runs out in December. All of the others that I've researched won't cover maternity.
Husband. That's OK. I want to get a job.

Jill: You wanna wha?

Beautiful Boy

Angel Puss

Good Morning, Super

I'm waiting for the results of my blood test to tell me how close I have inched toward menopause. Regardless of the outcome, the doctor won't agree to "rip it all out." She wants to insert a progesterone dispersing IUD instead.

Yuck.

More hurt. No baby. Plus a battery of additional tests including a uterus-lining biopsy.

She rated that procedure as a "10" on the pain scale. And I don't mean that it's painless. I really started to freak when she handed me the consent form.

I used the lame excuse that Husband is out of town and that I'd have no one to rely on if something went wrong. Oh, and I told her that I wasn't prepared emotionally to handle the biopsy today. Without warning or any kind of mental preparation.

The truth is that my Fear of Pain will cause me to forgo the test completely. Seriously, that kind of pain is primal and excrutiating. Even women who've had multiple births can't stand the pain. And she wants to do that to ME? I don't think so.

Doctor also told me that because my sister had a Borderline Ovarian Cyst, she considers that to be Ovarian Cancer and that I need to be monitored. Sadly, there is no reliable test for ovarian cancer. The one that most docs use give too many false-positives...so much so that my physician won't even use it.

So the original Hurt that drove me to the doctor's office in the first place has been joined by Fear and Dread. But Sadness reigns supreme...as least for now.

My OBGYN appointment is scheduled for 4pm today. Despite the sadness swirling in my belly, I am going to ask her to "rip it all out."

The ongoing cramps and pain are disruptive. The unpredictability of the timing and output is maddening. Frankly, I'm just sick of it all. Tired of housing a temperamental organ that doesn't function properly. Tired of enduring gut-wrenching cramps and two days spent in bed most every month. Tired of being anemic. Tired of hurting most every day.

My regret is palpable. I would love for my doctor to give me some words of hope, some reason to continue to harbor this internal beast. Some small tidbit of encouragement that we still could get pregnant...just one baby and I'll be happy forever, I swear...just a slim, sliver of hope...?.

I don't care about health insurance or life insurance or the size of our savings account anymore. Life will never, ever be perfect, dammit. But this hope and dream of ours is slowly slipping away toward Never Never Land.

So, at what point does hope fade so completely away that we just throw in the towel? I'd like to say Never...but in the meantime, I'm really hurting.

I mingled with the crowd yesterday until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to step away. Gain distance. Be alone. And feel sorry for myself.

I was surround by neighbors and friends and a circus of children...all running around, laughing, being coy and adventurous. A group of them had run over to a clump of low-hanging trees and started to climb the craggy branches. In their sundresses and flip-flops. I had visions of snakes and broken arms and sobbing little girls so I joined them under the canopy of green leaves...a makeshift fort of sorts. I asked the daughter of a dear friend for a hug and it boosted my spirits. Husband is still not home...it's been 4 weeks now...and I am becoming ragged from the loneliness and boredom.

That one, little hug helped shift my perspective and I was struck by the changes that had occurred in my life in only one year.

Today is the one year anniversary of the purchase of this home. And it's the day we could officially declare, "We're from Colorado." Both of us willing to wipe California out of our mentalities and memories. Both of us willing to start new and discover a better, more down-to-earth way of life.

This house is significantly bigger, more private and much more beautiful than our last home. It's filled with sunshine and surrounded by towering pine trees that house dozens of song-singing birds. We've made nearly a dozen new friends...who love to do nothing more than get together, throw burgers and brats on the grill, drink Fat Tire and relax with laughter and warm smiles. It's been a good year overall...with only a few bumps that were so much easier to handle because all other aspects of our lives were at peace. It's been a year filled with lessons and realizations that are so starkly different from years past.

• We have a lot less money and we are happier.
• I've lost almost twenty pounds. I still have a long way to go, but I am more active and energetic than I was when we left California.
• Our lives are better organized and running smoothly. Mostly because I have the time to take care of things in the moment and not procrastinate because I'm too exhausted to deal with anything and everything.
• We both have the energy to actively keep in touch with friends and family. We no longer hide out or spend entire weekends sleeping just to catch up.
• Having friends over for dinner is no big deal. No huge production. An event that is fun and energizing...rather than exhausting and joyless.
• Husband has completed several gorgeous carved pieces. His customers respect and appreciate him. And he's proud of his work.
• We spend every morning together outside...drinking coffee and talking and soaking-in the gorgeous Colorado sunrises.
• I now drive about 50 miles total per week...as opposed to 500 per week when I had to commute to San Jose every day.
• I have a creative outlet in making jewelry and I actually sell quite a few pieces.
• The Colorado weather has been an amazing improvement. Sunshine all of the time. Summer days with warm breezes at night (a rarity in the Bay Area). Low humidity that has made our complexions smoother and dryer. Spectacular sunsets with color saturation that make every afternoon look like a Maxfield Parrish painting.

In the midst of the summer celebration yesterday, I realized that I have no right to be mopey or sad about any aspect of my life. I have been blessed. Yes, I am dying to become a Mom but I will be one (someday) and I need to set these longing aches aside. Yes, I am painfully lonely without Husband, but he will be home soon, as in a couple of days. No, I don't have a career...something that seems to have rocked my world...but amazingly, we're A.O.K.

So as I sit here today contemplating my existence, I realize that I will always be sad about something...I will always be thankful for what I have...I will always wonder what I am missing out on...and I will always wonder and worry about what the future holds in store.

Point Critical

Husband's brother is making the rounds and calling all family members to ask for money.

An attorney in California recently called them to say that he reviewed sister-in-law's arrest and for $5,000+ he can get the charges reduced. Meanwhile, the two continue to drink, drug and gamble.

I won't agree to give them money anymore, and I have to wonder how the entire family may have contributed to the continuation of their addictions. We keep bailing them out. And they keep using and abusing.

If they want to kill themselves or land in jail...they have that right. But what they are doing to their kids is criminal. And I'm hard at work to rally help from the rest of the family...yeah, the ones that have turned a blind eye to all of this for more than 15 years.

This situation is at it's worst stage yet.