The gravity of yet another looming family death has been pressing on my heart.

I've been thinking about Heaven and Death and What Happens Beyond for several years now, since my sister passed away unexpectedly. It's pure loss for those of us left behind. And yet life here on Earth keeps rolling forward in a way that those who lived before are slowly and methodically forgotten.

I'm having a hard time resolving this because I think that every person has Significance.

It was only a couple of years ago that I ever imagined what it would be like if there was no after-life. I have always grown-up assuming and believing that going to Heaven was the natural order. To think that we move into nothingness and completely cease to exist is terrifying. The thought sucks the air right out of my body.

And it seems overwhelmingly unfair.

Why are we wired with these emotions and goodness and spirituality if there is Nothing Beyond? The enormity of Loss is just weighing down on me, and I'm mourning the fact that the uniqueness and essence of my sister, mother, aunts & uncles, grandparents, et al simply vanished. Gone forever. Worldly goods distributed, donated and splintered out onto different paths. Long-held phone numbers reassigned. Homes dismantled and sold. Hairbrushes with their hair still intact - yet the person is gone forever.

Husband's father is in grave condition and not expected to survive through the day.

It's Deja Vu all over again.*

Husband is in terrible emotional pain and it's killing me to see him have to go through this. And all I can think about is the void that will once again enter our lives because of the loss of such an adored, significant life. Sure, we'll still have memories, but with the passing of time and the growing loss of family and friends, we move forward on Earth with holes in our hearts and the presence of these voids following our every move. The grief may be forgotten in some moments but it becomes an incessant companion until we die and truly discover The Truth for ourselves.

I miss my family terribly. Sometimes, I want to follow the cue from my son and just pitch myself down to the ground and thrash and cry and holler.

Because there's nothing I can do to stop death, and I don't want to accept that fact.

*Yogi Berra

Quick Update: Sickness. No Sleep. That About Sums It Up.

The baby has been sick most of the week with a runny nose, fever and vomiting. This morning, he started to whimper. This is never good..mostly because it tells me that he's in terrible pain. But also because I tend to cry out of sheer frustration of not being able to help it all go away. Motrin can only do so much. And my little guy is utterly miserable.

I spent a few hours with the baby in the middle of last night just holding and cuddling him...trying to get him back to sleep. Whenever I adjusted myself in the chair, he'd grab on tight to my hand and then pull it around his waist to insure I was holding him closely enough. Then, he'd turn his head around and give me a (very wet) kiss right on the lips. This boy's sweetness just takes my breath away.

My efforts to teach the baby to play the harmonica last week resulted in me getting sick myself. Dangnabbit, I've got a fever and an uber-sore throat again. I'm hoping to fend off strep this time, but he and I are so sick right now, I'm not holding my breath.

Husband's dad is back in the hospital. Huge, major complications encountered at the rehab facility. Husband and I have made a pact that we will never, ever send the other person to one of those Gawd-awful places. Their motto seems to be: If you can't rehab yourself, then you're destined for the nursing home, because the staff is no where to be found. Truly, gut-wrenchingly awful. (Don't bother telling me that wrenchingly isn't a real word. It's a Jill-ism.)

Husband realized that he was going to change jobs "for all the wrong reasons" and he is now Back In The Saddle again. I am so thankful - and my stress level has diminished drastically. It's amazing to me....he absolutely loves this job. I just think the stress of his dad's sickness completely overwhelmed him.

I get to schedule my (abdominal) surgery on Monday. Yee. Haw.

That's about all that I can muster today. My throat feels as though it's being slashed with a Ginsu knife so it must be time for more TheraFlu.

I am a stay-at-home mom with a trillion things on my mind. For example:

Our OT has recommended that we do a swallow test on Baby Boy because he is complete stalled in the eating department. He'll take little, mini-bites of Lorna Doones, Ritz crackers, graham crackers, etc., but he won't take anything that has a thick-liquid consistency like applesauce or pureed fruit. He is now holding his own bottle (finally!), but he won't take his formula in a sippy cup.

My house is falling apart in front of my eyes. It's only 10 years old and all of the windows leak. Plus, we recently discovered that we are situated on shifting soil, hence the multiple cracks in the walls upstairs, downstairs and way downstairs plus the floors squeak on every.single.level. It wakes the baby up every time I try to tiptoe into his room to check on him. I am beside myself over this one. I cannot even begin to think about how this will affect our resell value one day.

Husband has decided to consider making a career transition. At one of the worst possible times in recent employment history. We're gonna need prayers, high-fives, anything that we can get for some help on this one because he wants to move into a new field.

I saw my doctor last week - had an ultrasound - and was told that she'd call me with a surgery recommendation within 3 days (i.e. total H or partial H). It's been 7 days total so far and I haven't heard a peep. I am jumping out of my skin with worry.

Husband's dad has not improved and remains in the rehab facility on a vent. The doctors do not have any additional ideas on how to help him recover and get out of bed.

Two cats are locked downstairs because they are they are the weasels that have been peeing in the baby's hamper and toy baskets. Tonight, I start giving them kitty Prozac. Yes, this is in addition to the two shots, three pills, five eyedrops and liquid antibiotic that I am giving to the Siamese on a daily basis. I love my animals, but I'm ready to snap. Their caretaking needs have surpassed my level of willingness. It doesn't help that I was wasting my time and money on all of the meds that I dispensed to the Siamese over the last year. It cost me a small fortune and now he has diabetes. Damn, I'm still bitter about this.

Life continues to roll along with intense drama and heartache. I'll try to post a list of the things that I am grateful for tomorrow because there certainly are good things going on right now too. I'm just freshly cranky over the extent of water damage done to our window casings & shutters per the window guy who came out to the house today.

Grrr-Ruff!

Fascinating

I'm so glad that I live in the Here and Now.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=557475&in_page_id=1774