A Woman Changed

Containment

2011-08-19T05:09:00.000-07:00

We have a plan. An overwhelming, large and uncertain plan.

And I honestly don't know what is worst - the overwhelmingly large number of things we have to accomplish or the utter uncertainty of it all.

I want to live in a house that is smaller and more manageable. I'm tired of dealing with 5 things wrong or broken at the same time. And we have too much stuff. Nice stuff, silly stuff, fun stuff. Most of it packed away and not really used all that much.

I want to be a part of a neighborhood where the people are more like us. Seeing kids ride bikes down the street or connecting with neighbors in their front yards while they mow the lawn or plant flowers.

It's a simpler life that I want - one with less square footage and maintenance responsibility. One that includes a sense of peace over the community we live in. Where we are comfortable being our selves and living around people who can swing over for burgers on the weekend without it being a big Shebang.

There's a lot of worry over the real estate market right now. Uncertainty on how we will sell the house with so many others on our street listed at the same time. All of the fixing and improvements that must be done before we list. How to balance all of that with two full time jobs and a 4 year old.

Details.

Tedious and relenting. They're keeping me up at night yet remaining immune from any sense of logic.

But it's in my heart to make this change. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. Despite the overwhelming To-Do list and the Unknown.

Loco Motion

2011-04-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

It's a certainty in life that the Unexpected will pop-up without warning.

People you thought you knew say things that you never imagined would come out of their mouths.

Friends you expected to share good times with for years to come suddenly tell you that they are moving to Ireland. In 2 months.

Your son makes a random comment - out of the blue and with zero prompting - that is so raw and heartfelt that it moves you from complacency to Action.

And so it is done. The wheels are in motion.

2010-05-29T19:07:00.000-07:00

Life has been full of stress and worry...pure happiness and relief...sweet moments and intense focus.

My ambition is thriving.
My energy is way, way Up.
I am consumed with a feeling of Excited Unease - chasing the goal and figuring out how to Make It Happen.

Thank you, God.
For helping me stage a Comeback.

2009-11-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

Six years ago, I walked through Pottery Barn Kids and cried.

I was there to purchase a baby gift for a friend who had just given birth to her second child. I looked around the store and soaked in the bedding, the cute rugs, the furniture...cute and quaint things that screamed Babies!

I was just lost in hopelessness. Utterly and completely unable to see how and when we would ever have kids of our own. So I moved through that store slowly and touched everything in sight. When I finally purchased the stuffed dog rocking chair for my friend, I cried. When I drove to the back of the store to have it loaded into my car, my heart plunged. When I tied the pink bow around its neck, I felt desperate pangs of envy. I hated myself for being so petty, so hurt, so barren.

Six years later, we have the most loving, sweet and precious child that we get to raise. We play kickball in the house, make cookies, use the computer together and have water wars in the bathroom. My son frequently empties drawers throughout the house, he draws on walls and he curiously inspects every new item that comes through the door. Last night, he threw up all over me in bed. And lately, he's been grabbing my hand and telling me that He Loves Me.

I love being a Mom.

And I am so thankful that it happened. To us. Before it was too late. Before I gave up and stopped trying.

I've been thinking a lot about the lesson in all of that. Embracing the concept that good things happen over time. Working hard to understand how important it is to never lose hope.

At the edge of despair lies joyful times.

Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.

I'll try to hold my high this week when I'm told that my job has been eliminated. I'll do my best to take it in stride, and I'll look forward to what is Next.

Because joy and peace of mind are possible. It isn't too late and it certainly ain't over. Wonderful is still out there within reach.

2009-10-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

OK, who in their right mind would eat deep fried chicken skin bites?

Apparently, a lot of people.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/page/10

Though, I have to admit...a couple of these dishes look really, really tasty!

2009-10-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

I had an odd epiphany today.

The longer I wallow in my grief and sadness...the longer I will stay there.

Hmm. It felt so much wiser in my head, but now I see it written on paper and I just want to say, Duh.

I've been very hard on myself over these last 5 years. Scornful of my inability to save my parents and nurse them through terminal illnesses. Absolutely punishing over the fact that I didn't see my sister's impending death and tell her how much I loved her. Feeling like an abject failure because I was no longer earning a solid income. Worthless and self-conscious because I'm overweight. Unsettled and fearful that more bad things will happen in a single moment. And depressed that I haven't lived up to my full potential.

As I sorted through some photos from late 2006 and relived the moment of when Husband and I were chosen to adopt our son...all of the self-blame and anger and heaviness lifted. I relived the joy of being selected, the wonderment of having a new baby in our home and the simply beauty of holding a swaddled baby in my arms.

I've done the best that I can do and I've done a good job. And who the hell can blame me for breaking down over the loss of my sister, my parents, my father in law and my favorite cat? Who can rightfully be critical of me for fearing my son's unknown future? And why am I so ridiculously hard on myself for not being able to do More throughout all of these life-changing incidents?

I'm done feeling badly about myself, and I'm done feeling as though I've made insurmountable mistakes.

I'm Moving On.

2009-10-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Husband told me that he has a 15 year plan today.

I sat and listened quietly in my stupefaction. I was thrilled on a visceral level, but at the same time, I couldn't stop thinking "It's about time!"

Early in our marriage, I used to book weekend trips specifically so we could carve out a Master Plan together. Husband wouldn't do it. He's a very Live in the Now kind of guy and was perfectly happy drifting along in any 'ol direction. Retirement? Doesn't think about it. Moving to different house? Not happening now so won't talk about it.

A couple of years back, our COBRA ran out and it was impossible to discuss it with him. He didn't have any urgency to get a job or health care coverage because in that moment, we still had insurance.

Now, he wants to bang-out a 15 year plan.

I've waited a long time for this. I am going to enjoy every second of the process.

2009-09-26T06:46:00.001-07:00

I am shocked by the number of age spots on my hands. My skin is starting to get crinkly on the backs of my hands and my fingers are looking wrinkled and slightly shiny...something that I associate with my grandmothers.

How did this happen?

I have been so consumed by life in recent years, that I have failed to recognize how quickly I was aging. Now I'm looking at myself and thinking, "OMG. Reverse! Reverse!"

Ever-so-slowly, there are these weird lines forming around my mouth. So despite waxing and bleaching, I still look like Tom Selleck...which is not a good look for a woman/mother who has to hang out with other mothers at least 10 years younger... because she is OLD. And spotty.

And I don't even want to touch on the effects of gravity.

My love and inner spirit seem boundless and suspended in a place where there are no clocks or gradual decay.

What a strange dichytomy.

2009-09-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

The birthday party was almost like a dream come true. I sat back in the room and watched a group of sweet, giggling kids blow horns, make art and eat huge pieces of cake. Then they rumbled over who got the reds balloons, stomped their feet and ran out of the place laughing and sorting through their goodie bags.

The laughter and playfulness were precious. I've got tons of silly photos. They are the best.

Seriously, how did we ever get so lucky?

I am so blessed.

A Complex Path

2009-09-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about being a Good Parent yesterday when I booked my son's party at the local jumpy jump room.

Mom never threw a birthday party for me, which I ended up resenting. Therefore I will not repeat that pattern with my son. Does that make me a Good Parent...or even a Better Parent?

It eases my emotional strife but Son doesn't know the difference.

Will he look back at his life and remember all of the things I didn't do much the way I look back at my own childhood?

In my early twenties, I had come to peace with my family and upbringing and forged forward in my life unaffected.

Then came the wedding persecution, the dna test, the psychotic behavior, the sickness, my attempts to rescue and the ultimate loss. I made it through my traumatic childhood and then got KO'd in my adulthood.

And I'm angry.

For having to put up with all of that shit. For not being able to manage turmoil and a thriving career at the same time. For breaking down and losing my self. For not being able to pull it together, have kids or at least start the adoption process earlier. For squandering so much opportunity and ending up here. Low level career. My son in daycare (preschool is a feel-better name). For allowing myself to live in anger and resentment. That's something like Anger Squared or to the nth degree.

I should have done Better.

And all these thoughts roll through my brain as I mull over cake toppers for my son's birthday party.

Something so simple and yet...

2009-09-06T07:39:00.000-07:00

It's an unbelievably gorgeous day. Stunning, pink-hued sunrise. A squirrel in the pine tree just off the upstairs deck. Sprinklers running in sync that provide a cool mist in the air. A mug of hot coffee and a handful of cashews.

Sweet.

2009-09-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have a secret.

One that I don't talk about with my husband. Similar to the way I don't want to talk about right-wing talk radio. I am a liberal conservative and talk radio - while important - just doesn't interest me. I'm tired of listening to extremists on both sides who exist on Shock Appeal. Thanks, Howard. You've had a noteworthy impact on American culture.

But I digress.

I am going to link to an article that is part of a collection that I just couldn't stop reading. And this particular essay talks to me.

A lot of people will tell me that I am not a True Christian. (My husband included.) And that's OK because they aren't the Final Judge...and I respect that they have their own opinion, their own path.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/212155

Ramblings

2009-08-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

My friends run the gamut in terms of net worth. And if you were to ask any of them to describe themselves, I believe they would all categorize themselves as Good People.

You know, people who donate their time and money to charitable causes. People who generally don't break the law. People who work hard to earn a good living. People who don't intentionally hurt others or small animals.

And yet...pretty much 100% of them oppose health care reform. They frequently make statements on their blogs that there is No Problem and Nothing Needs to Get Fixed.

God, but I disagree.

I know so many people who don't go to the doctor because they simply can't afford it. I know that a large percentage of bankruptcies happen because of hospital bills (I'm too lazy to research/quote the exact figure, but it's something like 40%). I work with a cancer-survivor who doesn't go in for an annual check up because her deductible is $3,000. Yep, that's the best option for the company's group health plan.

I'm not going to pretend that I know the answer, but I do know that there is a problem.

Five years ago, I may have shared my friends' opinions. However, these last four years have reshaped my perception and judgmentalness (not a real word, I know!) I am much more accepting and less indignant. And I understand that I have a very blessed life.

People are fragile and despite our best intentions, things don't always work out. Many of us are able to provide for ourselves and enjoy access to health care coverage. And yet, millions are not.

I guess my sensitivity to this is born from the stark realization that any of us can be in that position at any given time. It doesn't take much.

It occurred to me recently that my options are dwindling. I left the working world for about 4 years and have really taken a hit financially and socially. It's been extremely humbling. I didn't get hired to do a job that I did for three years in California. I don't even have the words to describe how shocking and painful this was for me.

I have also been living in a state of panic this year. Husband was laid off in January and I have been frantically trying to encourage him to get a job. Living in a persistent state of fear is...exhausting...and that mindset along with my abject impotence in the working world left me Wordless.

I can write about anger or self-righteousness or happiness or even health issues. But financial fear and career fear leave me paralyzed. Hence, no updates.

When Husband told me that he got a job offer about a week ago, I started to sob. For the first time in a very long time, our income will cover our bills.

I'm hopeful and grateful. And I've changed. I don't take anything for granted. Not income, not vacations, not family, and not health care.

My world is less insulated now. I'm older and less presumptuous.

It feels right.

2009-08-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time, and I'm still at a loss over what to write.

2009-07-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that I simply don't understand:

Exactly who invented the word Lollygag?

Why do I seem to think that I can hear myself think?

Why don't I dream in color any more?

Why do I continue to say, "At the end of the day..."?

Why won't my husband actively look for a job?

2009-06-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

I soaked in the coolness of the bath water and willed my fever to disappear. When I'm overheated, I tend to talk outloud to my mom, my sister and my Siamese cat. My one-way conversation with all three had me sounding very wise and knowledgeable - that, I remember...although I'm at a loss to repeat exactly what was discussed.

One of the concepts that finally seeped into my brain was: You can't throw away your life when other people die.

I know several people who have lost more family members that I have - and yet they move forward, continue to thrive and deal with their grief strictly on an internal level.

I didn't do that. I ditched most everything that I had in my life to hide away and rebuild.

For the first few years, I didn't care. My goal was to get lost and sort things out. But now...something is growing inside of me that wants me to Return. I see photos of my California friends having lunch together, and I get very sad. I don't have any friends like that here...the ones that take years to cultivate and become family.

I long to have my old job and be back in the Groove. But the thing that really made that meaningful was my old boss and my direct reports. Most everyone is gone.

I don't want to move back to California, but I do miss the beach. Trader Joe's. Half Moon Bay. Sausalito. Monterey. St. Helena. Burlingame Ave. The Farmer's Market in San Francisco. Driving across the Bay Bridge. My old neighbors. And our multi-racial, highly friendly church.

I'm not sad, and I don't want to go back to the life that I used to have - I am just hopeful that I can put my life back together in some similar ways. I've made some tiny inroads but suffered a couple of huge disappointments. Sometimes I wonder if I have isolated myself to the point of Has-Been-ness.

All of this was running through my mind as I sat in the bath tub and fought the high fever. And it dawned on me that I've come a long way - which is good, since I cut most everything and everyone out of my life so I could deal with my trauma.

If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have been so extreme.

2009-05-17T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've had to give up on my yearning to adopt another baby. I'm 46 years old, working full time now, and I want to send my son to private school. My husband is not working and wants to start a new career. He's in his early 50s. It just feels as though that train has left the station.

Sometimes I sit back and observe the amount of doting/complete loving attention that our son receives daily. A friend recently noted, "Your son is the most well-loved child that I have ever seen. Every time I drive by and see you all in the front yard, I feel as though I could take a snapshot of you in a perfect family moment."

Our son has never been taken for granted and having him has given us renewed hope in life and our purpose on this earth. His arrival in our lives came at a critical moment when mortality was shrouding our entire existence.

I honestly don't know if it's possible to love a child too much. And I have a deep sadness knowing that Son will never have a brother. Despite the love and attention that we give to him, he'll never have a sibling to confide in, discover with, shout at, be jealous of. All that good, healthy, normal stuff that happens in larger families.

I wish I was 10 years younger.

2009-04-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

I received my first paycheck after 4 years. It was...liberating. I feel as though I'm returning to my old, old self. Not the sad and tired old self but the invigorated and happy old self. And it's even better now because I have my son, I'm in Colorado and my husband is happy.

Today, the sky is vibrant blue and little brown birds are building nests all around our backyard.

We are all at peace.

2009-03-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

After four long years, this is my last week of being unemployed.

I wanted to get lost in suburbia. I lost my ambition and desire to be out in the world. I mourned my sister and mom while taking care of dad through heart attack(s), strokes, rehab and Coumadin. Then I mourned my father while I took care of my new baby's oxygen, rehab and chronic lung disease. We dealt with so many illnesses, his folder at the doctor's office became thicker than a phone book. Then suddenly, my son was ready for pre-school, and I found myself home alone three days a week. Catching up on old business, reconnecting with old friends and starting to care about being healthy and looking good again.

I reached a Tipping Point where it became imperative that I go back to work. My brain was ready to be jump-started and my ambition slowly reignited inside my belly.

I have learned so much over these four years. My demeanor has shifted radically, I am caught-up on sleep (Thank You Ambien!), my son is healthy and doing great, and I no longer suffer over what my husband is doing or not doing (career-wise).

I absolutely adore my family, our home life, the house and our home town. I feel balanced and recharged and ready to take on new challenges. I have finally, finally been able to identify some new life's goals. Two years ago, I came up empty in trying to create a list. I felt lost and senseless at the time, but things are so much different now.

If anyone would have ever told me that I would be back in a place of happiness and contentment, I would have burst out laughing facetiously.

But here I am. Surprisingly, in one piece and impatient to start Moving Forward.

Damn, it's been a hard and intense journey. It feels nice to see sunshine again.

2009-03-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

I know that I should be ecstatic that I have a new job, and I'm working on it. At the very least, I'm grateful.

2009-03-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

I am about to walk right into a sink hole.

I've been warned about it.
I see it.
And I'm going in. Knowingly.

For the money. For the benefits. For my family.

Dare to Dream

2009-03-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

I interviewed for a position yesterday that I have decided to not pursue. It's in a dying industry at a company that is well-known for it's lack of commitment to its employees. I didn't even care for the person I met (which is very rare). She stated 3 times that SHE was the one who should have been promoted to VP. Instead, that new person scuttled her off to a different, less-profitable division. She was still very angry.

Today, I received a call from a company that I applied to about 2 months ago. I am so excited, my hair is standing on end. I have a call out to a former colleague to get me up to speed on the industry, and I've scheduled a mock interview with a job coach. I learned a lot from my meeting yesterday. I am rusty, dusty and slow...and need some help jump-starting my inner engines.

If the job is the one posted on the company web site, I will be in for a tough ride. But I don't care. I want to work. I want to manage sales people again. I want to earn an income. And I want a chance to learn to balance my life effectively this time.

I think I can do it.

2009-03-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while because I have the Blah's.

I know that I have no right to feel down. My husband and I are blessed in so many ways - the baby being the number one, most amazing gift that we have ever received. I am so thankful for his birth and our being chosen to adopt him. It's impossible to succinctly put into words how he has added joy and meaning to our lives. Having him is the closest thing to heaven on earth, I think.

In the meantime, I am still unemployed. The outfit that didn't hire me back in August called a couple of weeks ago about a different position. We were scheduled to meet last Friday, but the director canceled 1 hour before our meeting with a side note that we would meet sometime this week. I haven't heard from her since - despite my two phone calls. I know. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I think it's pretty clear that I need to go in a different direction. I've been taking time to meditate/pray every day to insure I'm following the right path, but my hope has been waning. Which is why I haven't been blogging much this year.

I saw an employment coach last week and he agrees that my recent time spent not working (taking care of my dad and our son) is going to hurt me. I need to do the thing that I hate the most: Get out, meet people and network.

Listen, I tried to explain. I am a work horse. Give me a job to do and I will do everything that I can to be successful. I'll work long hours. I'll challenge the corporate sacred cows. I'll take on additional duties so I can learn and contribute more. I will physically exhaust myself so that I.can.be.successful. For better or worse, that is who I am. I am not a social networker. Going to a networking event without a specific business purpose is pretty much on par with going out to a bar. I don't do good schmooze.

My coach tells me that this is a huge liability and that I must change. So here I sit, resisting that which I must do because it just isn't who I am.

I miss the good old days when I used to get called for interviews easily and frequently. This current situation makes me feel very down about the economy and very old.

So this is why I haven't blogged in a while. I know that I have used this blog in the past to rant and release extreme feelings that I didn't overtly share with others. It was a good outlet and allowed me to stay in bounds without spewing anger in real life. I don't want to do that anymore. I mean spew in writing.

I just want to stay in a place of gratitude for all that we have in our lives.

Have I mentioned that I will be very, very grateful when I find a job?

Baby Steps

2009-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

I spent three weeks entirely shut down. I didn't open the mail or answer phone calls, I binged on chocolate and crackers and did very little housework.

Husband has devoted himself to cleaning up the basement. He's not worried at all.

Finally, something kicked in and I got back on track. I stopped shoving food down my throat and started cleaning. I tackled the boxes that have been downstairs for more than 3 years. I gave away all of my old clothing. I organized the pantry. I listed stuff on ebay. I cleaned all of our inside doors and baseboards with Clorox. I canceled unnecessary items like magazine subscriptions, Weight Watchers online and a 1500 minute cell phone plan.

My head is in a better place and our lives are much more organized. I know that I can't control the job situation, but I can control things like what I put in my mouth and how I manage my surroundings.

It feels good to clean some of this stuff up and get it off my mind.

2009-02-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. President,

I'm not smart enough to predict how well the stimulus bill will work for getting our economy back on track. A lot of people claim it's socialism and others project that it's too little too late.

All I know is that I want a job. I want to work. I want to earn money to sustain our family.

I know there are a lot of families out there who need help. I keep hearing the stories and worry that we could become one of the Casualties.

OK, I tend to raise the flag a bit sooner than others. But I'm worried. I have never, ever been unemployable. It just doesn't make sense. But I'm willing to learn and shift my actions if needed. I'd just like the chance to interview for a position. To get a call from one of the dozens of resumes that are being sent out.

I know. It's tough out there.

I just wanted to say that I want to work as badly as I don't want to lose everything. I just want.to.work.

2009-02-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

Against my better judgment, I went out and bought several pairs of new pants yesterday. I am now officially down one size and tired of wearing baggy jeans. That, in itself, is exciting news. But the best thing about it is seeing Husband's reaction to my weight loss. He's becoming very kissy and comments every day about how I am looking different...younger...great.

I just love that.

I found all of the clothes at Steinmart in the "regular" sized department (all at amazingly discounted prices!) No more W clothes for me. I cannot even begin to describe the relief of not having to go to a specialized store for clothes that fit.

Is there discrimination against obese/fat people? You bet.

Am I tired of trying to overcome it to prove myself worthy and capable? You bet.

I have a new and different kind of Hope for 2009: To finally get fit.

Husband walked into the office the other day carrying a large bucket of drywall mud. He asked me to walk over and pick it up. It was incredibly heavy in a dense kind of way.

"That is 61 lbs," is all he said.

I was dumbstruck. That is how much weight I need to lose. And I couldn't even pick that damn bucket up. How in the world do I walk around with all of this weight? No wonder I'm pooped all of the time!

I am thankful for the chance to lose this weight.It's finally starting to happen. I am very grateful and relieved.

Still Agonizing

2009-02-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

I suppose I should have seen it coming, but because he was on commission only...I truly thought we'd dodge the mass layoff. The problem is that they shut down the entire business segment across the nation. Huge.Closure.

The CP truck is here and the boys are loading all of our no-longer-wanted worldly goods into their van. I hope these things find happy homes. There goes the box with the wooden ash tray in the shape of a foot. The big toe is pointing skyward. And there goes the vintage trunk with the stamps and stickers from Italy. It's hard to imagine my aunt traipsing across Europe with that thing but there's proof in the immigration stamps. I'm bidding a sad farewell to my dad's duvet and matching bed skirt. Same goes for all of those size 6 and 8 corporate outfits. And our very first coffee table. And the vintage bedroom chair with the rush seat.

I've always wanted to plant a tracking device on donated items to see where they actually land. It's intriguing to think about the two homes that these items have already dwelled - and who knows where they will go next? I assume to someone in need but that isn't always the case, is it?

It's difficult to calm my racing heart. While I can handle Change it's Uncertainty that leaves me breathless.

I suppose what I am hoping for is nothing short of a miracle. At least that's the impression I get after reading the news every morning.

2009-02-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

So what exactly does Jill do when she settles into a deep panic?

She cleans and organizes.

I have now sorted through 8 boxes of clothes that have been stored away in our basement since we moved in July, 2005.

Pants with pleats or cuffs? Gone.
Shirts with shoulder pads? Gone.
Dresses with bright gold buttons? Gone.
Anything that is big and bulky? Gone.

I have also spent most of the day raiding the pantry.

Rice a Roni that expired in 2006? Gone.
Salad dressing that expired in 2005? Gone.
Lots of Thai noodle packs that expired in 2008? Gone.

Doing a deep cleanse and giveaway feels good...to a degree. If I think about it too much, I start to beat myself up for being so wasteful. Lots of food went into the trash today. Food that I had every intention of making and serving to my family but somehow got shoved to the back of the shelf. I'm giving away lots of clothes that still have tags... which means I've never worn them.

So it feels good to dump all of this extra stuff but it hurts to realize that I haven't changed much after all these years. I could do so much better.

Husband is downstairs reorganizing the basement storage and singing (very loudly)to the girlie music on my ipod. Not that he shouldn't be belting out Shania Twain...he is apparently processing our jobless predicament along with me.

The one, bright beacon in our lives? Our son. The boy who snuggles and has a great sense of humor. Much may be lost but he is the highlight of everything in my life. As bleak as things may seem right now, it's hard to not feel immense gratitude for all that I have.

More Good News

2009-01-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

Husband lost his job this morning.

2009-01-25T14:17:00.000-08:00

I just lost a good friend over a major disagreement. She's probably one of my favorite friends, ever.

Yesterday and today have been crappy. I just want to go back to bed and Ho Ho myself in a comforter.

2009-01-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

I have an exciting day today. I am going to watch the inaguration and then go to Toys R Us to buy my son some higher level pretend play items. We saw this one at a friend's house yesterday and he loved it. I am also taking a boatload of old clothing to Goodwill and donating books to the library.

I'd rather be working. But I suppose that will come soon enough and then I'll look back at this time wistfully and wish I was still a SAHM.

Hooray for today! It's a big one for our nation. Even Husband admitted this morning that America made the right choice - that Obama is who we need in the White House to get people excited and allow the anger to melt away. I have to give him credit, that Husband of mine. He's come a long way.

Time to take on the day.

I Wish

2009-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

I wish I was in DC to witness tomorrow's historic inauguration. I cannot imagine the celebration and being present when our country transitions for the best and forever.

I pray that BO and his family remain safe and healthy throughout his presidency.

I hope BO is able to reverse the financial crisis and get US stabilized again.

I wish I could find a job that got me excited and ready to jump-in at 100%.

I pray that my husband's job remains intact so we can keep our health insurance and income.

I hope we'll get through this year whole and intact.

Self-Flagellating

2009-01-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

Always expect the unexpected to happen. Right?

I attended a state college for about 4 years right after high school but didn't complete my degree. I was in a car accident during the last semester and I spent quite a bit of time recovering. Hit by an unemployed, uninsured drunk driver on the freeway while we were at a standstill. He was going more than 60mph. I didn't drive on a freeway again for several months and simply stopped going to school. I assumed I would get Incompletes and they would stand as such.

Five years later, I enrolled in a different university and completed my BA. My GPA was 3.45 because I received a C in two courses. Financial management (last time I took math was in 10th grade. Hello!) and Marketing (my professor dissed my final project as "completely ridiculous and unattainable." I had proposed a fruit drink with added vitamins and caffeine. Way back in 1989. But this is a whole other rant about my arrogant/ding-dong teacher and I won't continue.)

Fast forward to yesterday as I worked with admissions for a masters program. All those "Incomplete's" from my first college? Turned to "F's." And the process to undo them involves a petition, medical documentation from the mid-80s and more than 6 months for a final decision.

Now I have to take two pre-requisite classes and then petition for acceptance for my master's. I'll be the Black Sheep of the class. The one who really doesn't deserve to be there. Because I was stupid stupid stupid in my youth. All I had to do was officially drop the classes for medical reasons and my GPA would have been fine and dandy.

This illustrates the point that I tried to make with my niece when she lived with us for several months in 2006. It's great to be carefree and have fun when you're young. But don't kid yourself and think that you can get away with anything. You can't. The past will rise up to bite you in the butt. I know people who partied hard in their early twenties, got DUIs (which didn't concern them at the time) and then couldn't get jobs as sales reps five years later because of their record.

As I talked through my options with several people yesterday, all of my past failings rushed to the forefront of my mind. All those years of things I didn't complete. Opportunities I didn't pursue. All those feelings that I was going to be a failure because of my upbringing. That I am less because I spent so many years dealing with the turmoil throughout my childhood. All my friends who are wildly - and I mean Wildly - successful. My inability to be promoted to director at the two companies where I did my best work. My constant, nagging belief that I am my own worst enemy. My failure to live up to my potential.

I thought I left all this stuff behind many years ago and then BAMO! It was back.

I probably can't undo my mistakes at my first college and will just need to press forward. But I'm embarrassed about being such a low achiever in a class with people who did much better at school. Now I'm panicked that I am going to fail. Because it's my destiny.

Ugh. I'm in a bad place. And very, very angry with myself right now.

Holy Swiss Miss, Batman!

2008-12-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

I met with my new nutritionist (newtritionist) today and learned some very disturbing news.

My morning mocha has 150 calories, and I enjoy one every day of every week.

Multiply 150 X 365 and you have 54,750 calories consumed in one year.

If I did nothing else to change my diet but give up my daily mug of mocha, I would lose 15.6lbs.

Can you say, Bye Bye Bye?

Let's Do This Thing.

2008-12-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

I can't remember a time in my life when I have felt so content.

And it's odd because my husband's job is not stable (no paycheck in two months, thank you Commission Only), I have zero job prospects, and the outlook is pure doom and gloom for our personal financial future.

But I'm not going to sit here and Fret. Right now, I get to stay home and enjoy my baby, sip hot cocoa next to our Christmas tree, reorganize our files, marvel at last year's Christmas photos and realize how far we've come, and cook yummy treats.

Husband is amazed at the change in me because I am the Ultimate Worrywart, and I can get cranky.

But here's the thing: In five days, my life is going to change radically. Forever and in a way that is going to change my wretched self-esteem. It could turn out to be a disaster, but the hope is that it will be one of the best things that I have ever done in my life.

On a very deep level, I have let it all go. I am trusting in fate, my faith, good luck and good intentions. I refuse to be clouded by fear and worry and live with jagged edges and cynical humor. I'm tired of hiding out and refusing to go to family events or developing a "sickness" at the last minute so I can bow out of most every social event.

Both husband and I feel a renewed sense of Hope for the upcoming year. But for now, I'm OK...working on my areas that need repair and thankful for all that I have in my life.

Zero to impact is looming. I am enjoying the moment now because the good and the bad hovering out there on the horizon aren't real. Yet.

Easy Does It

2008-12-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

I have been enjoying an entirely different kind of Christmas season this year. And it's been fabulous.

Baby Boy is going to receive a few gifts from Santa, including the Radio Flyer Bouncy Horse.

No more gifts to extended family (except my MIL), and my husband and I are not sharing gifts this year either. The house is completely decorated and we dance around every night to Christmas music with just the light from the Christmas tree. On Christmas day, we'll have stuffed french toast in the morning and watch some favorite dvds. We'll call family and then go outside and play in the snow. Dinner will be ham with ruby sauce, creamed peas with onions, smashed sweet potatoes and winter salad. Husband and I will sip gin martinis and take photos of the baby and just enjoy being home together.

My life-changing event is looming close - only eight days away. I am cautiously optimistic, nervous, at peace, resolute, resigned and excited.

I am ready to get back into the world. When everything crashed in 2005, I just wanted to slink away and get lost in suburbia. I definately achieved my goal of "checking out" and becoming settled with my absolute loss of ambition.

I'm well rested now and ready to discover the next chapter in my life. Last week I told Husband, "Do you realize that we are Middle Aged?" He laughed and replied, "Honey, we were middle aged years ago. We are now at the age of being grandparents - 45-65 years old."

I almost fell over onto the floor. He's right. I'm older than middle aged and didn't realize it until now.

All the more reason for me 1) Enjoy the Christmas with my son, 2) Continue forward with my Major Decision, and 3) Figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life so I don't automatically go back to what I've always done and fall into a similar Rut.

The Gift

2008-11-28T15:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I've spent the last few days thinking about you a lot. Today was especially tough because I decorated our Christmas tree with all of those glass ornaments that you gave me more than 10 years ago. I unwrapped each one from the tissue that you originally packed them in - and discovered that several were broken. I know it's bound to happen over time, but I just got very, very sad knowing that they couldn't be replaced.

It took me a long time to move out of my state of shock over your death. Probably longer than most. The profound sadness is still there and has blanketed my soul. I'm so thankful that we had that last year together. It changed everything for me. It soothed a lot of my hurt and shame from my childhood. It helped me see the real you - the person you were really meant to be once you got away from Dad. I'm grateful to have those memories.

I am really, truly sad that you never knew how well things turned out with Baby Boy. I wish you had gotten the chance to meet him, squeeze his legs and swing him around. He's an amazing kid, Mom. He's got a goofy sense of humor but definitely has a "serious side." He says, "I love you" about 50 times a day, and I am positive that he understands what he's saying and really means it. He can count from 1 to 13 and he just about knows every letter of the alphabet. He absolutely loves music and sings to us at night. He insists on taking a bath every night and runs around like a crazy boy in his footed jammies.

Being his mom is more wonderful than I ever imagined.

Everything was in such turmoil when you died. None of us knew how to handle Ann's death, and I had no idea how horribly it would effect you. I never thought that you would just give up. I certainly don't blame you for doing it, it's just that I wasn't ready to give up on keeping you healthy and alive. I was so focused and yes, even co-dependent, that I became an ugly person when even the smallest things didn't work out. I tried to hold it all together but crumbled from the inside out.

Things are different now, Mom. We have a wonderful house with a much, much smaller mortgage. We love Colorado and hope to raise Baby Boy here until he goes off to college. I am no longer driven by the need to prove anything to anyone else, so I'm less antsy and high-strung. Husband and I are having good times together again, and we just love to hang out together and play games with the baby.

I know that you worried about me for years and years. Yes, I married late (at 32) and no, we couldn't have kids. But it turned out OK. Actually, much better than OK. We are all genuinely happy and settled.

I really just wanted to tell you that I miss you and so deeply appreciate all of those ornaments. I put every single one on the Christmas tree. One day, I'll give them to Baby Boy, and I hope that he too is touched by love and good memories as he unwraps each one from its tissue paper.

He'll always know that they came from you.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

I am extremely thankful for so many things in my life. If I were to die today, I would know that I've been very lucky and blessed. I haven't lived up to my potential but I have worked very hard within my abilities. I haven't handled tragedy and grief very well, but I have gotten through the bleak times and am eternally trying to improve. My love is fierce and loyal, and I have tried to be a decent and honest human being. I would give my life for my child. My work as a manager was focused on helping others see that they could surpass their own expectations. Some appreciated that and others hated me for it. In many ways, I could have been a better wife, sister and best friend. I was the very best daughter that I knew how to be. I regret the many bridges that I have burned and opportunities that I shunned. I'm proud of being "responsible" and learning how to foresee and prepare for potential pitfalls. I've been vain for most of my life even throughout my humbling weight gain. But I have always admired others' beauty and skills and have tried very hard to be generous in spirit and gifts. I believe in God and Jesus. And more than anything else, I want to be an honorable, loving, supportive and wise mother to my child.

My list of things that am I am thankful for is mundane to most others but significant to me. It's only a partial list and not in any order of importance:

1. My new front yard (pictured above) with all water problems solved.
2. Shampoo and hot showers.
3. Kid's books, a Glow Worm and random baby socks strewn across my bed.
4. Radiant heat in my bathroom.
5. A musical concertina that captivates my son.
6. Down comforters.
7. A kind husband who does the dishes and folds the laundry.
8. My aunt who taught me to work hard for a nice lifestyle.
9. Digital cameras and photoshop.
10. My son's preschool.
11. All of my pets and especially 10 years with my Siamese.
12. Each of my former mentors.
13. My college degree.
14. To be a stay at home mom.
15. My home and having the space to dedicate to a Rumpus Room for my son.
16. Feeling safe during the rugged Colorado thunderstorms and snow storms.
17. A pantry filled with food.
18. Our outside deck.
19. A clean garage.
20. My church.
21. The Rocky Mountains and their ever-changing colors.
22. Hot tomato soup with a grilled cheese sandwich.
23. My trips to Switzerland, Amsterdam, Europe and Hawaii.
24. Anything retro that induces a strange sense of familiarity.
25. Vinyl records.
26. Disney movies.
27. The salty smell and and sound of crashing waves.
28. Trader Joes. (sob!)
29. Receiving handwritten notes from my elderly friends.
30. Thai, Indian, Greek, Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, and Vietnamese food.
31. Luggage with wheels.
32. My neighbor's spectacular theater room with big screen and cozy blankets.
33. Soy milk.
34. Growing up with 2 grandmothers (grandfathers died before I was born).
35. Quaking Aspens.
36. Disposable diapers and ready to feed formula.
37. Costco.
38. Being forced to get braces when I was 13.
39. Piano music.
40. Stephane Grappelli.

I could keep going but think that 40 items for today is enough. I occasionally realize how much I take for granted in my life. When I was a kid, I used to have to put a huge plastic bag over my head that was attached to a blower just to dry my hair. We only had dial phones and never wore seat belts or bike helmets: Had to fiddle with expensive camera film and disposable bulbs: Used a lot of white-out on our typed college reports, Had only one tv and one ac wall unit in the entire house: Played on a wooden skateboard with steel wheels: Always hung the laundry out to dry. Had to buy paper maps at the gas station to figure out where we were going: Had milk delivered to our door and went to the drive-in to see a movie. Never ever ate out at restaurants: Used fly swatters all of the time. Got mail on Sundays. Ate funky dinners like creamed tuna over toast and Swiss Steak: Scoured the Sears Catalog every year for new outfits and toys. Saved Green Stamps: Collected drinking glasses from the gas station: Enjoyed full service including nicely cleaned windows at the gas station: Didn't know a soul who used a gardener or paid a company to clean their house windows; Considered travel overseas to be too exotic and reserved for the very wealthy.

It just amazes me to realize how much we have now compared to when I was a kid. In so many ways, life's chores are easier and more convenient. I'm glad to be living in the Here and Now.

It's been fun to reminisce, but now I need to go take a hot shower, shampoo my hair and wrap myself up in my old, favorite terry robe.

Yup, it's noon.

And I'm loving every minute of this day!

2008-11-10T07:50:00.000-08:00

How can one company (AIG) get a $150 billion rescue payout? Wasn't the approved package worth $700 billion? That's more than 20% of the total bailout fund. I don't get it.

I'm also suspiciously perplexed over the fact that gas in Colorado is now $2.09 a gallon. I think the exhorbatant prices were fixed. I'm not smart enough to explain how this could be done, but I'm definately suspect.

Today is my birthday and last night Husband took me out to a fondue restaurant that I've wanted to try for aeons. We had a great time sharing big platters of food and dunking them into the gooey cheese and boiling broth. The chocolate fondue was out of this world. Neither of us is going to eat for the next two days.

I have a post to write about Thanks, but I've got to run some errands first. I want to post it today, because gratitude is a huge part of my thinking process now and I want to bookmark my happiness.

"Awl Be Bahk"

2008-11-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

I have made a decision that is going to effect me for the rest of my life.

It's controversial but not bad.
It's trendy but necessary.
Husband has accepted it. Sort of.

Zero to impact = <60 days.

And While I'm At It...

2008-11-06T02:02:00.000-08:00

My brother-in-law's parents had a hoot when they received these, also from www.spoonsisters.com

"Who's Your Grand Daddy?"

sigh

I really, really need to fall asleep.

One Of My Favorite Things

2008-11-06T01:56:00.000-08:00

Here is a favorite party item that I found at www.spoonsisters.com.

Who says, "...you can't pick your friend's nose?"

2008-11-06T01:49:00.000-08:00

It's 2:52 am and I haven't slept a wink despite trying for over four hours. So I sit here and aimlessly wander around the Internet - bored out of my mind but feeling quite alert and spry.

I apparently traded extreme pain for insomnia when I had my surgery.

Tick Tock.
Tick Tock.
Tick Tock.

Renewal

2008-10-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

I am scheduled to chat with a career coach tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to pin all of my hopes on this woman, but I am acutely aware of my need to Get Up and Get Going.

I don't know what the future holds. All I know is that I'm starting to feel a renewed sense of purpose and ambition and verve.

It's time for me to emerge from hibernation.

The Rant

2008-10-16T13:28:00.001-07:00

Husband is really ticked at me. But here's the beauty of the situation: I am free to make my own choice.

I am not voting for John McCain, and I'm not voting for Obama. And frankly, I no longer give a shit.

I typically don't mind compromising on some of my ideals but neither of these candidates satisfy what I think is necessary for this country to get back onto the road of improvement.

If I offend you with the following list, I apologize. I have gone out of my way to not get political even once here on this blog, but I am so fed-up with the massive, crazy media madness going on right now that I can no longer contain myself.

Who Is Jill and Why Is She So Angry?
I am Pro Choice.
I am anti-Late Term abortion.
I am pro stem cell research.
I am pro NRA.
I am anti-semi automatic anything.
I support gay rights.
I am iffy on gay marriage. Can't succinctly explain why.
I am against the war.
I am pro-occupation until we repair the damage done.
I am a Christian.
I believe that other religions are completely valid.
I am pro oil drilling and pro nuclear power plant building.
I believe in $$ caps on executives, celebrities & athletes.
I believe in private schooling and home schooling.
I believe in the Pledge of Allegiance.
I believe in feeling pride in my country.
I believe people who have prospered here should feel the same.
I would have voted for Hillary.
I am anti-Bill Clinton.
I believe journalism in America has degraded itself beyond repair.
I believe people are looking for an easy answer.

I'm always puzzled by people who idealistically dedicate their souls in support of any candidate. I don't think it matters who we elect to become our next president. It's almost become a stupid popularity contest just like Homecoming in high school. Ultimately, the person who wins will make millions of dollars - - - as will his cohorts. Will any of this trickle down to me? No. This person will then go on to charge hundreds of thousands of dollars as a speaker at the end of his term. Will I benefit from any of this? No.

Both candidates promise to Fix Everything. I was thinking that Obama was possibly the better choice because he's new and fresh and different. Then I read this and was
particularily disheartened.

I think this is what finally did me in. I imagine there is similar information out there about John McCain, but I don't have anything readily available to reference.

I'd like to believe, I really would. But people are Human and the Washington DC machine forces one to sell-out or look the other way so they can become powerful and successful. And this machine is bigger than any one person, the president included. I think it's warped and wrong and motored by personal greed.

I'm sick of it all.

And if anyone says the words "Main Street America" or "Maverick" to me one more time, I swear, my head is going to spin right off my body.

BO: Please do not tell me that you're in touch with Main Street. Neither is your high fallutin' wife.

JM: There is no benefit in being a Maverick if you're the only one and can't get things done.

JB: I have always been very impressed with you and wish you were the one running.

SP: I like your gusto and admire your ability to give a good speech the first time out of the shoot. I don't share your values and dislike that winking thing.

HC: The Republicans and the Democrats did you wrong. I would have voted for you.

BC: I hate people who lie under oath.

JE: It is unconscionable to me that you could 1) cheat on your terminally sick wife and 2) allegedly hide your love child's existence while in the White House if you had won the nomination.

GWB: You lost me at Katrina.

OJ: I'm glad you're finally going to jail. You should have been found guilty a long time ago.

Madonna: Using your concerts to spout your political agenda and now to bash your husband publicly is despicable.

Michael Moore: I like you.

Rudy: I like you too. Why didn't you work harder and smarter at getting the nomination? You're a Can-Do Guy.

I want this election to be over. I want to get back to some sense of normalcy without all of the accusations and negativity. I want my retirement accounts to recoup their 50%+ losses. And I want to find a job that I enjoy.

Enough.
I'm done.
Stick a fork in me.

PS The reason Husband is so ticked at me is because I refuse to vote. We are both at peace over the fact that we disagree on most political issues. And please don't send me any email over the fact that I am pro-Choice. It doesn't mean that it is the choice that I would make. It means that I believe every woman should have the freedom to make her own decision. I also think homosexuality is biological and that prostitution should be legalized. And no, I don't partake in those either. I just think people have Free Will and should be allowed to make their own choices. I believe in God and that each of us will have to answer for our choices. I am not here to be the judge or control other people's behaviors. Except, well, my son's. Until he's an adult.

I'm Trying To Not Take That Last Line Too Seriously

2008-10-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2008-09-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

TDC (That Damn Cat) is growing bolder by the day. He's been out sklunking around the house during the daylight hours...something that I was told may never happen.

I've tried to corner him twice. The first time he slipped down into the bowels of our heating system. Last night, I was going to grab him and cuddle for awhile. He ran into the loft area, looked around, panicked, and then flew off the edge to the first floor. Which is a good 12 feet down. And covered with hardwood.

Once again, I was left standing there all alone with my mouth wide open.

This cat defies logic.

He's Not a Mind Reader

2008-09-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

Jill: Husband? Why is that Monster Rental Equipment back in our front yard?

Husband: I redesigned the drainage flow. It's going to work better.

Jill: What are you saying?

Husband: The drain is going to run across the property instead of diagonally. The contractors are going to dig a new trench running that way...and I'm going to help.

Jill: Wha?

Husband: Yup. It's going to work much better and only push us back by 2 days.

Jill: Wha?

Husband: I know what you're thinking. It's brilliant, isn't it? (Beaming smile.)

Hip Hip Hooray!!

2008-09-24T08:47:00.001-07:00

The Dreaded Trenches are going to be filled today.

Water Main? Fixed.
Sump Pump? Purchased and installed.
French Drains? Placed.
Gravitational Sloping? Confirmed.
Monster Rental Equipment? Returned.

Holy Cow. All I wanted was a new driveway.

Oy Vey

2008-09-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

The front landscaping project has taken an ugly turn. After digging a 5' trench across the entire front yard, the contractors have discovered water. A lot of it.

They are now extending that 5' trench to all corners of the property...sort of like a big 'ol asterisk...in search of the water source. I'm sitting here in abject disbelief over what has happened to our front yard. And I keep hearing that dollar sign sound: Cha-Ching! Cha-Ching!! CHA-CHING!!!

Yes, it's growing louder and more frequent.

This is the most extensive project that Husband and I have ever undertaken. Interior cosmetic stuff has come easy to us but this project defies logic and simplicity.

I had No Idea.

And the whole smoke and mirrors thing is really, really bugging me. You agree on a list of work to be done and final price and then the contractor tries to downgrade the improvement or worse yet, deny that the work was ever part of the job. I know, "you have to write everything down in the contract." I'm here to say that in some cases, that is really difficult.

For example: Install drip system to all planter and flowering areas.

But the Gardener doesn't want to do that now, he just wants to water one of our planters with the ground sprinkler. I refused. Twice. And he finally backed off.

This is only one of six different issues to come up, and I can't wait to see how many more emerge.

In other news, TDC (That Damn Cat) finally came out of the ducts this morning and a ferocious attitude. He's been skidding around the house for over an hour and still won't come over to me. Thank you for letting me know that other cats have been known to do this. TDC came from a home with a ferret and I'm wondering if this is the Ferret Effect: Extreme craftiness and weasel-like moves.

Nuff about all that. I'm off to go fret over the underground tunnels that have overtaken my front yard.

2008-09-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

The furry, cross-eyed thing still sitting in my heating ducts will now forever be referred to as, "That Damn Cat."

I have called to him with kitty sweet talk; I Cajoled; Made promises that would be hard to keep; Yelled in frustration because he refused to give me the slightest Mew; Pried open 3 different slots for him to use as an exit; Offered wet food, dry food, water and kibble; Cried in frustration because Bax would never have done this and it's becoming more and more apparent that he will never be Bax.

I tried everything and he never let out a Peep. I was convinced that he had somehow died in our vent, and I was mortified that something like this could happen mere days after he moved in with us.

Finally, Husband got home and rigged-up a light and mirror combo and suddenly it all became very clear to me: That Damn Cat is alive and well and ignoring me. I can see him. He doesn't flinch when I call his name. He doesn't turn his head when I coo and cluck. He clearly prefers to stay underground, all alone and doesn't feel compelled to come to me under any circumstances.

Like I said, he will never be Bax.

Stress.

2008-09-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

(Heavy sigh.) The new Siamese cat joined our family last Thursday. I found him at a rescue shelter, made a quick phone call and he was in our home later that afternoon. After getting checked out by the vet the next day, I released him into the house with hopes that he would integrate and become less skittish.

I saw him flit through the hallway this morning and into the study. After following him and shutting the door, I caught one last glimpse of him as he disappeared right before my very eyes.

Baby Boy had removed the vent register and the cat sklunked down into the duct. I have no idea where he is now.

What the?

I know he's scared but seriously: How can a dirty, dark vent be better than sleeping under my bed?

What do I do?
How do I get him out?
Can he get trapped and die?

I've got food and feather toys propped up in three different places throughout the house. I hope he comes out soon. I'm really starting to get worried.

P.S.

2008-09-12T09:26:00.001-07:00

Your daddy is picking this up from Costco today, and we'll all put it together tonight after we eat birthday cake. I know how much you love to play with kitchens, and I can't wait to see your face when you open your gift.

As usual, I'll be ordering some cocoa. Extra marshmallows, please.

xoxo

2008-09-11T19:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Noodle Dog,

Please don't be sick.
I can't handle it.
I swear, I can't.

Frivolous, I Know.

2008-09-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Operation Beautification has taken a new turn.

In a fit of utter extravagance, I have signed up for a year of eyelash extensions.

I absolutely LOVE them. They look great right when I jump out of bed, I don't have to wear mascara and they are perfectly comfortable. They're not too long and they curve slightly to give my eyes a little bit of twinkle. Knowing that I have them makes me feel just a tad more feminine...which really helps after having my innards taken out via abdominal surgery.

Husband likes them too. And I like that.

2008-08-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Daily Reads is Sheye Rosemeyer Photography, and through her I became aware of the Nielsen family and their recent tragedy. (You'll see the Recovery link added below on my side bar.)

These two lovely parents of four children recently survived a horrible airplane accident. They are expected to remain sedated in the hospital for many months from their injuries and burns.

I am planning to donate to their fund. The link to Stephanie Nielsen's site is right here. You can read her blog and see photos of the family. Click on the Recovery link for information on how to donate or send well wishes.

My prayers are with them and their family.

2008-08-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Two french drains, rebar and six inches of concrete later...we have done all that we can to prevent our garage floor from heaving ever again. Now we are waiting for word from the HOA on their approval or rejection of our proposed new front yard design. I am so not used to having to get any one's approval for my home improvements which makes the wait interminable. First, we had to acquire signatures from our immediate neighbors next door and across the street. A detailed summary with drawings, brochures and photos were added. And now we wait.

Tick. Tock.

My Heart Still Hurts

2008-08-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today's Forecast: Moody

2008-08-21T08:31:00.001-07:00

Seven hours in the ER yesterday revealed an infection in my colon. Not a good day. It took 5 techs to be able to find a blood vessle for an IV. The pain was unbearable as they stuck me and then moved the needle around to hit a vein. I feel as though I've been beaten up.

I am obsessing about the job and am convinced that I blew it on the last interview. I can't shake the negative feelings and self-doubt.

Husband's job has slowed down considerably...adding to my angst.

I know that I need to just relax and get through these next few weeks. Hard to do with so much up in the air.

2008-08-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm home from the hospital. The surgery went really well and my recovery has been much, much easier than the last time.

My sweet boy started school today (sob!), and I was teary as I packed his very first lunch bag.

I don't have a ton of confidence that I passed the final interview for the job I was applying for...so I will start looking again within the next few months.

The house is still in upheaval with all of the construction work going on.

But beyond all that, I am just taking things one day at a time with plenty of sleep.

Well, Damn.

2008-08-12T12:17:00.000-07:00

I was relishing the fact that there have been no Bull Snake sightings for over a week, when my neighbor asked me if I had seen the "amazing yellow and black snake" lying dead in the street.

I am so exasperated I can't see straight.

I didn't want it dead, I just wanted it to move on to a happier more isolated place.

The irony isn't lost on me.

2008-08-09T16:23:00.000-07:00

Unable to post lately - too busy with life. My toddler has learned the art of I Want It Now, the contractors have invaded my home to fix the multitude of issues, my surgery is scheduled later this month and I have been interviewing for a job.

Everything is up in the air but moving forward.

It feels good.

Just Trolling Through the Archives

2008-08-03T22:38:00.001-07:00

I swear, if I close my eyes, my memory of kissing his mutton chops is so real I can still feel it. Same goes for his ears and paws and belly too.

Death sucks.

2008-08-03T20:53:00.001-07:00

Will someone please tell the Bull Snake in my backyard that she and her babies need to vamoose and find a new residence? Eat the mice and then move on, that's what I always say.

I Miss You

2008-07-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

Not Such a Tough Sell

2008-07-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Jill: I picked up a voicemail from Sharon today. She's got The Perfect Job for me at her company. Only hitch is that we'd have to move back to California.

Husband: (Stunned silence.)

Jill: It would depend on the job. And the numbers. And the timeline.

Husband: (Forehead has become deeply furrowed.)

Jill: If it's my Dream Job, I want to consider it.

Husband: (Starts shaking his head with his mouth wide open.)

Jill: Open your mind, Dude. It could be a great opportunity.

Husband: Who are you?

Jill: I'm someone who wants a shot at her dream job. Trust me. We'll only consider it if it makes sense.

Husband: (Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause.)

Husband: Okay.

2008-07-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

Husband left the dog with our neighbor in his backyard tonight.

"Don't worry! I'll watch him. He's okay being over here with us!"

So Husband went inside the house to put the baby to bed before retrieving the dog. In the meantime, our neighbor sat in his backyard and watched as our dog squeezed through the gate and disappeared into the wild blue yonder.

My canine-boy was gone for more than 2 hours. He finally came back home just before 10pm - when it was pitch-dark outside and the coyotes were starting to troll the back fields.

I sat in a stone cold panic for the entire time that he was gone. Losing him right now would just be too much. And I was extremely aggravated that our neighbor:

1) Didn't alert us to the fact that our dog had run away.
2) Didn't offer to help find our dog.
3) Simply went inside his house and turned off the outside lights as we walked the neighborhood.
4) Never apologized for any of the above.

I am extremely grateful that the dog found his way back. But seriously now, what is wrong with people? Why didn't our neighbor at least call us to let us know that our dog escaped? It's like all of these stories coming out in the news about people witnessing others getting hurt and doing nothing about it.

Husband and I must be the Schmoe's of the Universe, because there is no way in hell that I would let my neighbor's dog run away after I had reassured them that I would watch over him. And if he somehow did slip away, you can bet your last Andrew Jackson that I Would Not Rest until I had found him and brought him home.

Isn't that the right thing to do?!

2008-06-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

2008-06-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Tick Tock.

Tick Tock.

Tick Tock.

Vet #6 seemed to think that my cat had Feline Aids. He was tested (negative) before he ever came home with us and then again at our vet's office. He was an indoor cat and didn't have exposure to other cats in the neighborhood. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out how and if this is even possible. We should know the test results by Thursday.

In the meantime, I'm eyeing my other cats and wondering what the future holds in store for them.

Do I even need to utter the words outloud: How the hell can a person go to 6 different vets and have umpteen visits over a year and a half with no mention of Feline Aids prior to the vet telling me it's time to end his suffering? My frustration is palpable, i.e. it's throbbing in my forehead and making my eyes bulge a bit.

My incessant crying has finally become sporadic. I know in my heart that I did everything humanly possible to find a cure...short of taking him to Mayo. But that doesn't help the hurt in my heart or the knowledge that I will never be able to replace him. I've lost something truly unique and precious, and I miss him and his naggy little cat howl.

2008-06-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised that it was my favorite cat that got sick and passed away. My life seems to have been unraveling over these last 4 years and this latest incident just seems to fall into place.

My grief is profound and it's been deepening for at least 6 months. That's how long I've known that my cat was not going to be able to beat this thing and eventually succumb. He was a fighter and gave it his very best to the very end. The last few nights, I held him close to me in bed and told him how much I love him. By then, his awareness was gone. He was moving awkwardly, barely able to eat and drink. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he had low blood sugar and that all I needed the doctor to do was tell me how much more insulin to administer.

No, they said. It's Neurological.

And in that split second, I knew it was over. The hope. The struggle to find the answer. The regimen of drugs. The belief that we would get back to normal.

But normal is gone forever. And my remaining threads of hope seem to be unraveling. Hope that I'll lose weight. Hope that I'll get a great job. Hope that my house is going to turn out to be OK. Hope that I am going to be happy again one day.

I don't expect people to fully understand the significance of this loss. It sounds callous for me to say that this cat was so much more special than our other three cats, but it's true. A lot of it has to do with our connection. We were soul mates. His personality transcended that of the typical cat in every way imaginable. He would rest in my arms with the side of his faced pressed against mine for hours. I was his Chosen One, no doubt about it. The others are aloof and cautious and uncommitted. Not my Sweet Boy. He demanded his cuddle time and rightfully took his place on my lap whenever there was an opportunity. He just loved being attached.

Losing my favorite cat is a major blow. I believe that I am now completely beaten and unable to get up. And why should I? So many of the things and people I have loved are gone, and I have no idea how to rebuild and recoup from this latest devastation.

In Memoriam

2008-06-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

June 27, 2008

You shared your life with us for just over ten years.

You were the Special One, the cat I loved unconditionally.

Today, I lost you.

My heart will never be the same.

2008-06-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

"If you do that again, I will snap you like a twig."

I didn't actually mutter those words, but the anger inside of me certainly prompted the desire.

I was at a backyard picnic with the baby and a group of kids ranging from 1 to 6 years old. Six of the older kids were sitting at a picnic table under a tree, and my son toddled over there to see what they were doing. Suddenly, they all started to chant...in a bullyish tone: "Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk." It took me about 20 seconds to realize what was going on and see that they were doing the chant at my son. He just stood there, utterly confused.

My heart stopped and I wasn't sure what to do. I said to the mom next to me, "I think I need to do an intervention." Two of the kids at the table were hers, so she yelled at them to stop. About ten seconds later, the group started at it again. My son just stared at them wide-eyed. The other mom went over to the table and broke the group up, as I just stood there with my eyes brimming with tears and thinking that my son is going to have to deal with this plus a whole lot worse as he grows up. As a preemie, he is going to be the smallest and probably the least developed for a long time. And my heart just broke.

Then I became a She-Bear and was ready protect my baby. I swear, I could feel my teeth spontaneously sharpen.

Egads.

I am going to need to toughen up and learn how to deal with kids. The group was certainly ganging up on my boy, but they weren't trying to hurt him. I just immediately crumbled like blue cheese because I am already so worried about his growth, his cognitive abilities...pretty much his everything...and then I swung over to the other end of the pendulum.

He's done so well and come so far. I don't want him to face ridicule or rejection or shame, and I know that I can't stop that from happening. And it would be an injustice to his spirit if I were to try.

But still.

The She-Bear may withdraw but she never really goes away, does she?

2008-06-07T11:02:00.001-07:00

I have walked around with a chip on my shoulder for the last several years.

I've been hyper-focused on all of the bad/negative things happening in my life and kept adding to my bag of discontent with every situation that "didn't go my way." Silently, I've been lamenting that God has forsaken me, refusing to answer my prayers and leaving me astray.

I'm such an idiot.

I finally got the Aha! moment when I realized that two of my most desperate prayers had been answered. The Siamese has rebounded and is doing well. He's still congested, but he is now up and around to spend time out on the deck basking in the Colorado sunshine. Secondly, my husband's job is really starting to kick-in and he's finally earning more than he earned (in the same job) on an hourly basis (it recently converted to commission only).

My negative attitude has left me feeling shaken, spiritually bereft and angry. And frankly, I'm tired of it. Partially because it's left me drained of energy and optimism. Also partially because I believe in the concepts of The Secret - that we reap (attract) what we sow (put out there).

I need to grow up and realize that people die every day, and I was extremely lucky to have my sister and parents in my life up into my mid-forties. Somehow, I'm still shocked by those 2 years but I'm feeling that it's time for me to rebound and get back to the Old Jill.

It's going to be a long road to hoe - in many ways. But I need to do it and finally, finally I have some internal motivation to get the process started.

2008-06-01T08:11:00.001-07:00

My Big-H surgery was originally scheduled for later this week - but my lungs are still in pretty bad shape, so I had to cancel. The good news is that my mother in law is still flying in for 5 days which will give me a much needed break to finally, finally get back in to see my MD and get over this bug.

The baby has rebounded really well, and I'm happy to report that he is on his 4th day of non-vomiting. I have to say that May, 08 was undoubtedly one of my toughest most difficult months ever. Husband's dad passing away, me being home alone with the baby with both of us sick-sick-sick. Which leads me to ask, How the heck do single moms do this?! I mean really.

How. Do. You. Do. This?

Up several times a night to change him/the bedsheets. Trying to soothe him to sleep when he's lying in your arms moaning. Cleaning the throw-up off the couch, the floor, the table, your clothes, his clothes, the pillows, the rug, the stroller, the car seat, your hair....ugh. Taking him to the doctor's office and trying to hold him through his fussiness and hollering. Holding him steady for the eardrops, nebulizer, oral antibiotics, Prevacid, Benedryl, Tylenol.

All while you are horribly sick yourself!?

Oy Vey!

I realize that all parents do this stuff, but man oh man. I have a profound respect for single moms who do it alone.

I am gearing myself up to go back on the Blood Type diet and start seeing my naturopathic doctor again. My stomach hasn't been "normal" for years and it's gotten especially fussy since I had my gallbladder removed.

This type of "medical care" is a really cool process. First, they analyze a hair sample to look at the body's chemical levels, then the MD inspects an eye to see how all of the organs are functioning. Apparently the eye exam is very telling and reveals most all of what is going on with the body. This process is all very non-Western and involves the regimented consumption of lots of enzymes and other non-prescription pills.

The Blood Type diet will basically eliminate all of the foods that I eat every day. Wheat/bread, milk and most cheeses except goat cheese, oranges, mushrooms, cantaloupe, black pepper. Corn. Yup, everything that I crave that is keeping my digestive system in a constant state of disruption.

I am also preparing for the baby's Swallow Study which is a barium x-ray. He's going to have to ingest 1/2 a cup of gloopy stuff to be able to do the exam...and this is going to be a Challenge. The kid hates solid food. Period.

I'm off to go give the Siamese his new meds. We spent 3 hours at the cat hospital last night (10pm - 1am) because he went into respiratory distress. He kept putting his little paws over his head and just cried and cried. I seriously thought I was going to lose him, and I'm just devastated. I love this cat so much, he's been such a dear sweet cuddly love.

It's hard to let go.

Thank you for your comments and email. We are alive and mostly well. Gettin' Better Each Day.

2008-05-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

We're heading back to the doctor's office again this morning - the fourth time in the last week. They baby is still throwing up, has developed a rash all over his body, can't stop coughing...we're into this six weeks now. I'm feeling desperate - and still utterly exhausted from dealing with pneumonia.

Why can't they help him get well? I don't just want to sit and listen, watch and wait.

UPDATE: 5 hours later
The baby has Roseola and an ear infection and the rash is ghastly...it's spread all over his entire little body. There's a strong likelihood that we'll be making a trip to the hospital tonight for IV fluids.

I'm supposed to sit, watch and wait.

2008-05-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

Me?

Pneumonia?

How?!

2008-05-15T07:20:00.001-07:00

We are all still sick.

Our pediatrician explained that Baby Boyhas a new virus that has planted itself over the old virus. Huh? He's on antibiotics and I am going to my doctor today to see about a chest x-ray. Apparently, it's not a good sign that my lungs are crackling...what-with surgery looming a few weeks away.

Husband was gone for 5 days to attend his dad's funeral. He came home somber and pensive. The baby was sick the entire time - vommiting, congestion, etc. I think it's fair to say that we are all wiped out.

2008-04-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

The gravity of yet another looming family death has been pressing on my heart.

I've been thinking about Heaven and Death and What Happens Beyond for several years now, since my sister passed away unexpectedly. It's pure loss for those of us left behind. And yet life here on Earth keeps rolling forward in a way that those who lived before are slowly and methodically forgotten.

I'm having a hard time resolving this because I think that every person has Significance.

It was only a couple of years ago that I ever imagined what it would be like if there was no after-life. I have always grown-up assuming and believing that going to Heaven was the natural order. To think that we move into nothingness and completely cease to exist is terrifying. The thought sucks the air right out of my body.

And it seems overwhelmingly unfair.

Why are we wired with these emotions and goodness and spirituality if there is Nothing Beyond? The enormity of Loss is just weighing down on me, and I'm mourning the fact that the uniqueness and essence of my sister, mother, aunts & uncles, grandparents, et al simply vanished. Gone forever. Worldly goods distributed, donated and splintered out onto different paths. Long-held phone numbers reassigned. Homes dismantled and sold. Hairbrushes with their hair still intact - yet the person is gone forever.

Husband's father is in grave condition and not expected to survive through the day.

It's Deja Vu all over again.*

Husband is in terrible emotional pain and it's killing me to see him have to go through this. And all I can think about is the void that will once again enter our lives because of the loss of such an adored, significant life. Sure, we'll still have memories, but with the passing of time and the growing loss of family and friends, we move forward on Earth with holes in our hearts and the presence of these voids following our every move. The grief may be forgotten in some moments but it becomes an incessant companion until we die and truly discover The Truth for ourselves.

I miss my family terribly. Sometimes, I want to follow the cue from my son and just pitch myself down to the ground and thrash and cry and holler.

Because there's nothing I can do to stop death, and I don't want to accept that fact.

*Yogi Berra

Quick Update: Sickness. No Sleep. That About Sums It Up.

2008-04-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

The baby has been sick most of the week with a runny nose, fever and vomiting. This morning, he started to whimper. This is never good..mostly because it tells me that he's in terrible pain. But also because I tend to cry out of sheer frustration of not being able to help it all go away. Motrin can only do so much. And my little guy is utterly miserable.

I spent a few hours with the baby in the middle of last night just holding and cuddling him...trying to get him back to sleep. Whenever I adjusted myself in the chair, he'd grab on tight to my hand and then pull it around his waist to insure I was holding him closely enough. Then, he'd turn his head around and give me a (very wet) kiss right on the lips. This boy's sweetness just takes my breath away.

My efforts to teach the baby to play the harmonica last week resulted in me getting sick myself. Dangnabbit, I've got a fever and an uber-sore throat again. I'm hoping to fend off strep this time, but he and I are so sick right now, I'm not holding my breath.

Husband's dad is back in the hospital. Huge, major complications encountered at the rehab facility. Husband and I have made a pact that we will never, ever send the other person to one of those Gawd-awful places. Their motto seems to be: If you can't rehab yourself, then you're destined for the nursing home, because the staff is no where to be found. Truly, gut-wrenchingly awful. (Don't bother telling me that wrenchingly isn't a real word. It's a Jill-ism.)

Husband realized that he was going to change jobs "for all the wrong reasons" and he is now Back In The Saddle again. I am so thankful - and my stress level has diminished drastically. It's amazing to me....he absolutely loves this job. I just think the stress of his dad's sickness completely overwhelmed him.

I get to schedule my (abdominal) surgery on Monday. Yee. Haw.

That's about all that I can muster today. My throat feels as though it's being slashed with a Ginsu knife so it must be time for more TheraFlu.

2008-04-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

I am a stay-at-home mom with a trillion things on my mind. For example:

Our OT has recommended that we do a swallow test on Baby Boy because he is complete stalled in the eating department. He'll take little, mini-bites of Lorna Doones, Ritz crackers, graham crackers, etc., but he won't take anything that has a thick-liquid consistency like applesauce or pureed fruit. He is now holding his own bottle (finally!), but he won't take his formula in a sippy cup.

My house is falling apart in front of my eyes. It's only 10 years old and all of the windows leak. Plus, we recently discovered that we are situated on shifting soil, hence the multiple cracks in the walls upstairs, downstairs and way downstairs plus the floors squeak on every.single.level. It wakes the baby up every time I try to tiptoe into his room to check on him. I am beside myself over this one. I cannot even begin to think about how this will affect our resell value one day.

Husband has decided to consider making a career transition. At one of the worst possible times in recent employment history. We're gonna need prayers, high-fives, anything that we can get for some help on this one because he wants to move into a new field.

I saw my doctor last week - had an ultrasound - and was told that she'd call me with a surgery recommendation within 3 days (i.e. total H or partial H). It's been 7 days total so far and I haven't heard a peep. I am jumping out of my skin with worry.

Husband's dad has not improved and remains in the rehab facility on a vent. The doctors do not have any additional ideas on how to help him recover and get out of bed.

Two cats are locked downstairs because they are they are the weasels that have been peeing in the baby's hamper and toy baskets. Tonight, I start giving them kitty Prozac. Yes, this is in addition to the two shots, three pills, five eyedrops and liquid antibiotic that I am giving to the Siamese on a daily basis. I love my animals, but I'm ready to snap. Their caretaking needs have surpassed my level of willingness. It doesn't help that I was wasting my time and money on all of the meds that I dispensed to the Siamese over the last year. It cost me a small fortune and now he has diabetes. Damn, I'm still bitter about this.

Life continues to roll along with intense drama and heartache. I'll try to post a list of the things that I am grateful for tomorrow because there certainly are good things going on right now too. I'm just freshly cranky over the extent of water damage done to our window casings & shutters per the window guy who came out to the house today.

Grrr-Ruff!

Fascinating

2008-04-06T14:10:00.001-07:00

I'm so glad that I live in the Here and Now.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=557475&in_page_id=1774

2008-03-29T17:50:00.000-07:00

My once strong and regal Siamese is now scraggly and limp.

In the Fall of 2006, the cat began having difficulty breathing. I took him to our regular vet and we started him on a regimen of antibiotics. After about 6 months, his condition worsened so I took him back to my Regular Vet for a check-up. She stated that there was nothing else that she could do...so I went home and did some research and ultimately took the cat to a respiratory specialist at a State-Renowned Animal Hospital. After running half a dozen (very expensive) tests, I was told that he had asthma and bronchitis. So we were sent home with steroids and a feline inhaler.

After another 4-5 months, the condition continued to worsen, so back we went to the Regular Vet who recommended that I "seriously think about ending his suffering." Beyond his difficulty breathing, the Essence of my sweet cat was still there and I wasn't ready to put him to down. So off we went again to the State-Renowned Animal Hospital. Another boatload of tests were conducted and we were sent away with even more meds plus weekly allergy shots.

Fast forward to last week when I had to board the Siamese at our local vet's office for two nights while we were out of town.

My poor guy had lost more than two pounds, had horrible congestion and labored breathing, and his little ear tips were folded over and drooped horribly. The Vet Assistant told me that she had never seen a cat's ears do that in her 22 years of practice.

During the check-in process, I learned that our Regular Vet had left the practice. So I went ahead and asked that the Owner DVM take a look at the cat to see if there was anything else we could do to save his life.

Turns out, my Siamese has Herpes and not chronic bronchitis. And all of those steroids and antibiotics that I was given to administer to him twice daily for a year and a half gave him diabetes and Cushings Disease.

All for nothing.

Two wrong diagnoses.

You know that adage about getting a Second Opinion? It didn't work.

So now I sit and pet my sweet little Siamese and just cry cry cry because even though I did my very best to get good help for him, I ended up overloading his system with the meds that have essentially destroyed his system. I am beside myself with guilt and grief.

I keep trying to think back and pinpoint exactly where I went wrong. I followed their instructions. I sought out the best possible care available. And I have hurt him...incurably.

When I'm feeling really dark and moody, I start to realize that this is a repeat lesson in my life that I just can't seem to overcome. No matter how hard I work at doing/fixing certain things in my life...even when I give 100% effort and energy....I still end up Failing. No matter how many different approaches I take, no matter how hard I try, no matter who I call in to help....I fail.

Which is certainly the case with my sweet Siamese. Despite my best intentions.

I'm grateful for the departure of my old vet and the help from my new vet. And I am deeply angry at myself for not realizing what was happening sooner.

2008-03-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

During our 18-month check-in last week, our Ped asked me to stop giving the baby his Prevacid. Cold Turkey. To see if the baby had grown out of his reflux.

It was a Disaster.

Around 1am on Monday morning, the baby woke up screaming in a shrill, desperate way. I ran into his bedroom and his back was arched and his hands were in a claw position. He wouldn't let me pick him up and was just inconsolable. Husband ran in and helped me get the baby up and out of the crib, and we held him for the next 4.5 hours. I was able to get him to take a few bites of custard mixed with Prevacid and it seemed to finally kick-in around 5:30am.

Since this incident, we've been giving the baby Prevacid twice daily and he's now 1) sleeping throughout the night without waking up and crying at all and 2) eating better. The 2x a day dosage was always an option, but we had decided against it because we've read that Prevacid can deplete iron/bone density. But now, it's painfully obvious that the baby needs this dosage level.

It's amazing how tiredness or irritability will fly right out the window when your baby is in pain.

We're hoping his reflux is under control for now...and that he'll grow out of it within the next couple of years. We'd also like to make some gain on the eating issue. Baby Boy's OT has put him at 6-months developmentally for his penchant to put everything in his mouth these days. And we're at less than 10 months overall for his eating patterns. And despite his ability to climb like a gecko, our PT's recent assessment still puts him several months behind developmentally for most gross motor skills.

We're still moving forward and developing new skills almost daily. And they (OT, PT, ST, MD) tell me that this is what's important. That we'll "catch-up."

I take their words to heart and deeply hope that this will be the case.

2008-03-16T07:34:00.000-07:00

Booyah!!

We (finally) broke the 20lb glass ceiling at yesterday's Synagis appointment. Baby Boy weighed in at 20lbs 7 oz....until he cried so hard from the shot that he threw-up his entire morning bottle. All over daddy. They both came home covered in the stuff and had to be put right into the shower.

Last week, the baby spent over an hour with his OT and ate a full tablespoon of avocado and some cinnamon bread. Then he took an entire bottle while sitting at the table. It was an exciting session. Sadly, at the very end, he gagged and then threw-up the entire amount. I was so frustrated, I couldn't help but cry. It's as though we make progress but it doesn't hold. I keep wondering what I'm doing wrong, but the doctor told me last week that he suspects that the problem is a oral sensory issue. Nonetheless, I'm hoping to go to a feeding clinic to get another opinion and more help. We are not going to gain the weight until this child starts eating table food.

Okay, I'm inspired to make Mac n Cheese for breakfast.

Forward Ho. I hope!

2008-03-15T08:18:00.000-07:00

Husband and the baby are at the Synagis clinic for the once monthly vaccine against RSV. It is the only time that I am alone in this house and it feels...beautiful. The quietness, the absence of having to constantly monitor the baby to insure he doesn't find a hidden piece of schmutz to eat, the vast open space to do whatever the heck I want to do. Sure, it only lasts about 45 minutes, but for now? My introverted self is re-energizing and reveling in my aloneness.

We suffered total technological breakdown last week. The satellite service wouldn't move to a different room. The microwave broke (Built-in, 10 years old.). The washing machine broke (Front-load, 2 years old). The high speed internet service shut down due to recent updates by McAfee. (It was a slow death that took me back to the dial-up speeds from many years ago. I thought I was going mad. Two hours on the phone with the service provider and the McAfee agent and we are once again back up to speed.)

I don't want to buy a new microwave and I'm bitter that my highly-rated (Consumer Reports) washing machine is a lemon. The Sears folks are denying that it is a manufacturing error (covered under warranty). I'm incredulous that the thing could break down at such a young age.

Last week we rented a huge trash container and purged the basement. Old Christmas garland that had turned gnarly, stacks of Christmas gift boxes that never got used, crumpled gift wrapping, old work files, battered old leather shoes that had hardened and cracked, floral comforter covers from the 90's....stuff that was clogging my space and my brain. Sadly, we're not done yet. But it's a start and it's helped.

One piece of good news last week: Baby Boy was accepted into a preschool program that starts in September. He'll be 2 years old by then and will attend one day week. I hope it's not going to be too much for him to handle - but I have to believe that having exposure to other kids is going to be a good thing.

Ummm. They're back. Time to make breakfast.

2008-03-09T14:04:00.002-07:00

I dropped-off a few dozen items for sale at a large consignment event this weekend and unexpectedly started crying as I drove away. It was a full rack of Baby Boy's infant clothes, and I realized that we have already hit the end of an era. All of my favorite little outfits - many that he wore without being photographed - are now on sale for just a few bucks each. It got me remembering when we first met in the NICU and he only weighed 4lbs. He'd sleep throughout the day and he never, ever smiled.

Now, he's a bucket of sunshine and racing all over the house.

I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately express how deeply grateful I am to have this boy in my life. He's more than I ever imagined.

2008-03-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

It hurts to have strep throat.

For three days, I was delirious from a 102+ temperature and all-over body aches. I finally dragged myself to the doctor and received a Z Pac...which seemed to work immediately. Holy Mano. I spent one of those days just sobbing because there was absolutely no comfortable position, and I didn't think that the pain was ever going to go away.

It didn't help that Husband couldn't stay home to take care of the baby because he had convinced himself that he was on the brink of getting fired. He shared this little tidbit with me at 3am on Monday morning as I was begging begging begging him to stay home that day.

Suddenly, this job that I have absolutely loathed was starting to look pretty good. Perhaps influenced by a high fever. Nonetheless, I squeezed all of the details out of him and started to role play what he should say during his meeting later that day with his manager. He walked out of the house that day prepared with his list of Mea Culpa's and solutions for improvement.

Turns out that he was in trouble for dropping the ball on a project but overall, they are extremely happy with his performance. It made me wonder, How in the world can a person be so dang paranoid and out of touch? Then it occurred to me that I used to be the very same way when I worked. He and I are alot more alike than I care to admit.

The baby has been throwing up all week, so I've stayed away from table food and just focused on getting at least 6 ounces of formula down him at each sitting. Our OT won't be pleased, but I think he is starting to slowly gain weight again, and that is my ultimate goal for now.

Baby Boy continues to Twaddle (more of a waddle than a walk) around the house at breakneck speeds. He's added three words to his vocabulary, but we're still quite a bit behind.

Husband's dad is still in the ICU recovering from surgery. Between a trachea, a food tube and being on the ventilator...it's been very slow progress. We're just thankful that he's hanging in there.

I can now recite lists of all of the characters on Sesame Street, Barney and Dragon Tales. Despite spending a couple of hours a day on the Internet to read world news, etc. and eating plenty of protein...my mind has shriveled down to the size of a walnut. I'm waiting to start school this fall after my (assumed) surgery this summer, but in the meantime, I'm dying a slow and painful cerebral death.

Good Read suggestions are gratefully accepted.

Poopy.

2008-02-18T17:38:00.000-08:00

It's the best word to describe how we are all doing. Husband came home with a bug last week. The baby caught it first and was down for most of the weekend. It hit me today and I am just dragging myself around the house.

I read a disconcerting article today about the likelihood of Baby Boy not meeting his growth trajectories because he is so underweight right now. He also has a higher risk of having (lack of) bone density issues in the future. His illness over the last couple of days has only set us back once again.

Here is my most favorite news website of all. I know that it is "soft" news, but I love reading Britain's perspective on Americans. They also tend to be more candid in their reporting and I obtain details that I can't find here in the states. It is quite simply my Must Read of the Day. I still dream of the day when we can move to London for a few years. Although I have to say that I am a bit put-off by all of the knife stabbings going on over there. No guns? Just go Shank (heh) someone. Yikes.

I'm off to bed with my Nyquil.

2008-01-29T14:04:00.000-08:00

I am seething.

I took the baby to the ped today because of eczema and other food allergy symptoms. One of the RNs informed me that the doctor was running about an hour late, so I needed to make myself comfortable.

I sat in the far corner of the Well Baby area and kept Baby Boy on my lap. Two young kids with hacking coughs kept running into our area and smeared their noses against the fish aquarium. Note to self: Fish tank equals one big germ bucket.

The woman seated next to me in the Well Baby area was holding her son, who was on oxygen. I asked if he was a preemie and the answer was yes. "But," she continued, "that's not why he's in today. He has RSV. Don't worry though, it's been more than 3 days and he's not contagious." Perhaps it's the way she stammered through the whole explanation...clearly not believing the words coming out of her very own mouth...that started clanging the alarms in my head. Or perhaps it's because I know that RSV is uber-contagious up to 14 days after symptoms.

I was so aghast, the worst that I could reply to the mom was, "You have GOT to be kidding me." She assured me that she wasn't, so I stood up and walked out...waving to the front office gal that I would call for a reschedule.

How dare she sit in the Well Baby area with a son who has (not had) RSV? Who are these people who think only of themselves and throw other people's concerns into the wind. And why didn't the receptionist move them to a special area? This practice is a well-oiled machine in the way they handle their Synagis clinics. (OK, I already know the answer to that question. When I called to complain/reschedule later that afternoon, I was told that they were "overwhelmed" by the doctor's late schedule.) But still. We are busting our yams to help our son not get the disease because the odds of him developing asthma for the rest of his life are increased by more than 52% if he does.

So yeah, I do take this very seriously, and I'm still so angry, my scalp feels as though it's flopping off my head.

2008-01-11T22:04:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my sister's death. Thinking about that phone call still knocks the wind right out of me.

Yesterday, we also got another call from Husband's mom to let us know that the lung cancer diagnosis was official. Results from an additional test are due on Tuesday and they will let us know the extent of the cancer and treatment options. I keep hearing Dad's voice uttering words, "It doesn't look good." Bloody Hell.

I'm at a crossroads right now...trying to decide if getting lost in suburbia was such a great idea after all. I am positively climbing the walls, a situation that is exacerbated by the fact that we are hibernating to keep the baby as healthy as possible. I am unable to make a firm decision on what my next career move is going to be. I am continuing to harbor resentment that I even need to work on a career decision because my husband's job is...paltry. I need to come to terms with the cost of meds for the Siamese cat - or make that terrible decision to put him down. (He apparently has lost all knowledge of how to pee and poop in a cat box...preferring the family room and the baby's hamper basket instead. What is it about pets eliminating everywhere in the house except in the designated box? Has the world gone mad!!?)

I'm also feeling a little down about my lack of support here in Colorado. We've certainly made friends with all our neighbors but it's strictly social. I really miss having my close girlfriends nearby, especially now that I have a baby and we could share in the joy together. Husband and I were always the extra wheel in California. Everyone had kids and we just hung out with them - when we were invited to the events. It was awkward, no doubt about it. Especially when we wanted to have our own baby so badly.

I'm also thinking that this cold weather is a pain in the butt. I spent more than an hour shoveling snow yesterday...when I wasn't slipping around on the ice. It's truly beautiful, but damn, it's cold. And heating this house is no easy feat. High ceilings should be outlawed in Colorado.

I suppose I'm just melancholy because of my sister and father in law...and just let it go at that. I'm all cranky and filled with discontent. Time for a cup of hot cocoa and then off to bed.

oy.vey.

2007-12-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm supposed to be making pickles right now.

It's a sweet/garlicky concoction that you either love or absolutely hate. Personally, I love them. My Aunti Hazel used to make them every Christmas, and I would eat big scoopfuls at a time. Sometimes, I'd swallow a peppercorn in my haste to munch them all down so I could go get more.

Making those pickles is part of a Christmas traditions list that I want to do every year to make the holiday even more special for Baby Boy. Building that list got me to thinking about all of the Christmases past from my own childhood.

Every year, Mom and Dad would pack us up into the back of the car (we never wore seat belts!) to travel to San Pedro to have Christmas Eve dinner at my grandma's house. Most of Dad's family was there (he had two brothers and a sister) unless one of the siblings was refusing to talk to the other one. (We didn't see one set of cousins for 15 years because my aunt refused to talk to my uncle.) We always arrived late which created tension and Mom would then dance around trying to amuse everyone. Dinner was a pot luck, and my mom always took baked beans. Grandma would place the food on a long counter in the butler's pantry and then the adults would eat in the dining room and the kids were shuffled to the kitchen table. After dinner, Grandma would sit next to the Christmas tree and read a passage out of the Bible. Then we'd open presents. We'd typically stay until midnight and then load all of the gifts into the car for the hour-long drive home. And every year, Dad would have to navigate through "Toolie-Fog" and mom would moan the entire way or beg him to pull over, which he refused to do. (This one evening was the only time during the year that we would see our aunt and uncles and cousins, although we did see our grandma around Easter and Mother's Day too.)

Christmas morning, we would wake up to presents from Santa and stockings filled to the brim with gum and socks and little makeup cases. Breakfast was always the same as any other day: Cold cereal. We never had a real Christmas tree, so Mom would spray bayberry scent all over the room. Dad usually never got Mom anything, and we would sit and watch them argue about money. Twice, in my entire life, I saw my parents kiss, and on both occasions it was on Christmas morning when my dad finally did get my mom a present.

Around noon, we would all jump back into the "Hoo-pee" (Mom's name for the car) and drive down to the beach to spend Christmas evening with my Aunti Hazel. There were always tons of people there - both family and friends who attended every year. Lots of cocktails were poured and we kids got to run amuck around the house. Every year we'd go into the bathroom and play in my aunt's makeup drawer. I can't tell you how many times I walked out of there covered in Dippity-Doo, thanks to my sisters. Dinner always included those special pickles, creamed peas and onions, a big baked ham and string beans. My aunt always had a huge (fake) tree on a table in the middle of the living room - completely flocked with fake snow with huge red and pink glass balls dangling from the branches. The tree skirt was that white "spun" material with glitter - the kind that would cut your fingers if you touched it. (Was that really true or did they just tell me that to keep me from sorting through the presents?) Most of the adults would get drunk and all kinds of accusations and raunchy songs would float through the air. The most memorable time was when my cousin shouted in the kitchen at her husband, "You Slept with a Hooker You Bastard!"...and he turned around and walked out of the house - leaving her stranded. Strangely, no one missed a beat and the party raged on. But I was always a bit embarrassed by that show of drama.

Now that my mom, sister and dad are gone...along with most of my aunts and uncles...I really miss those holiday celebrations. As quirky and dysfunctional as they were, I feel as though something has been lost. Once my Aunti Hazel passed away, we never got together again with that side of the family. On my Dad's side, the same thing happened when my grandma passed on.

Sad.

And now Husband and I live in Colorado with no family nearby. Which is a huge part of the reason why building some holiday traditions is so high up on my list. They'll be a tad different than the ones that I grew up with...lacking all of that drama...and I hope that they create fond memories for my baby boy one day.

2007-12-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

I spent 1.5 hours at the cancer center yesterday and did nothing more than talk with the doctor. In retrospect, it was a good thing that I didn't get the iron infusion because it makes the patient "achy and sore" for several days. Yeah, that would make Christmas in Bed a real fun event. I am now scheduled to go in for my infusion sometime in January. I'll need a total of 10 treatments. Each one carries a risk of my having an allergic reaction resulting in my throat closing/inability to breathe. "But when that happens, we just call over to the ER and they help out."

Ummm. Why do I want to do this? Because I've always wanted to puff smoke out of a Trach hole?

Oy Vey.

My Christmas shopping has been done for about a week. We're going Xmas Lite this year - sort of a watered down version of the celebrations in the past. No big presents, stockings only, filled with quirky fun stuff. One little mini-tree sitting on a table in the family room. A few decorations outside but no lights. Stockings and a wreath on the wall. And that's about it for the "Family in Hibernation Mode." We won't be seeing any family or friends or attend any parties. We've got to get through this RSV season without any sickness - hopefully insuring that the baby won't develop asthma or other chronic respiratory problems that could plague him for the rest of his life.

Husband is easy to buy for....he never ever goes out and spends money, so I wind-up getting him most of what he needs anyway. This year he'll find windshield wipers, car wash tokens, a leather/silver bracelet (very bohemian), an automatic wrench, a "radar" measuring tape, the Hillary nutcracker, a bottle of Cornhuskers, the new Eagles cd, chonies, gc's for Starbucks/ Barnes & Noble, a snowman kit, hand warmers, baseball cap with light, Altoids (his favorite) etc. in his stocking.

Next year, I want us all to get snowshoes so we can go out and tromp around in the snow.

The baby is getting a few things but nothing elaborate. A stuffed dog, a dump truck, magnetic blocks, tub toys and a laughing Ernie ball. Once we get through these critical first two years with the RSV Aversion, I think we'll be able to get out more and whoop it up again.

During the baby's 15 month check-up last week, I asked the doctor about the likelihood of the baby needing Synagis again next year, and he replied "Highly Likely"...although he wasn't optimistic that insurance would cover the cost. At $1500 per injection (the baby already receives two each month now and will probably need three each month next year), I almost fainted. (Our current medical coverage is 100% of the cost. I believe that I can speak with relative authority in stating that we can't afford $4,500 per month out of pocket for these shots. What the hell do people do? No wonder there are so many bankruptcies in this country.)

The other issue that was discussed was the baby's lack of weight gain over the last month. He's holding steady at 19lbs which puts him in the less than 3% percentile. I've tried Pediasure with no luck - too sweet and too filling. Baby Boy stops eating completely after 2 ounces of the stuff. So now we're back to formula (Enfacare) and adding an additional 1.5 teaspoons of dried formula. Amazingly, the baby will drink it up. It's really helping him fall asleep faster at night too. Now, we're trying to wait patiently to see if the baby gains any weight.

Beyond all of that, the baby is doing great - our pediatrician is thrilled with his progress over the last year...as is his Pt, OT and his proud parents.

It's an odd thing, but now that we have Baby Boy, I don't feel driven to have all kinds of materials things or to receive lots of gifts. A small, quiet Christmas is going to be just perfect. I am just tickled to have this little boy to love.

2007-12-19T21:13:00.001-08:00

Husband received a call from his mom two nights ago...on his cell phone. This has never happened, not even once. She always, always calls the land line.

Cold, prickly fingers of fear started creeping into my stomach. Especially as I sat and listened to his comments and moans.

Husband's dad has been unofficially diagnosed with lungcancer. He's coughing up blood and is extremely exhausted.

We have moved into another state of shock.

I haven't had the heart to start researching the disease. I did so much of that with my sister, my mom, my dad and my baby....I'm sick and tired of reading about pain, disease, disability and death. And frankly, I'm extremely concerned and I don't want to read anything that validates my biggest fears.

Our hearts are broken, and we're hoping against all odds that Dad's condition isn't as serious as it appears at first glance.

2007-12-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

My medical test results are in and I have been diagnosed with very low iron. My Ferritin is 3...while the normal range is 10-150.

No wonder I'm exhausted all of the time.
And cranky.

I'm scheduled for an iron IV next week. It's odd because I'm being sent to a cancer center and I'll sit with people who are receiving their chemo treatments.

I want to look them straight in the eye and emit my sincere admiration and encouragement.

I hope to not cry.

Because I realize how random sickness and tragedy are and that we all live only a hair's thickness away from them.

2007-12-13T15:08:00.000-08:00

"Your son is nothing short of a miracle. He's going to grow up to be a very special person."

This comment was from our PT after I read the baby's NICU report that detailed his birth, resuscitation and subsequent health hurdles during his eighty-five day stay.

Double zero Apgars at three and five minutes gave her deep concern.

"Most of the babies I see with those stats and health issues are spastic quads. Now he's just about to start walking. He's an amazing little guy."

I had conveniently forgotten about the baby's auspicious beginnings until today. It's easy to forget about some of the early issues and warning signals when the baby in front of you is growing everyday and thriving. So here I am, sitting on the precipice of abject worry again. And I keep wondering, should I do more?

We see our pediatrician next week and I am (once again) preparing my list of questions. And I am praying. And I'm loving that little baby with all my might.

Whatever Your Political Proclivity

2007-12-10T14:03:00.000-08:00

This is too funny!

2007-12-03T11:17:00.000-08:00

We're about to celebrate the one-year anniversary of the homecoming of our baby from the NICU. It's amazing how fast this last year has flown by.

The baby weighs 18lbs 14oz. He'll be fifteen months old in a couple of weeks, and we really need to start working harder at getting him to gain the weight. I am thisclose to resorting to the goat milk formula listed by one of our favorite blog-babes, Hallie.

The baby is more accepting of pureed foods, but we're still hovering at the 2 tablespoon limit. He seems to be allergic to most fruits and vegetables and until we get his allergies under control, I have limited his vaccination schedule. I don't think it will be too big a deal to wait until he's 2 years old to get the rest of his vaccinations - though he is doing just fine with his Synagis shots every month.

Sweet Boy is cruising around furniture and standing up all by himself with no support. He's still got some issues with walking - in terms of the position of his feet, but his PT seems to think that we'll be able to overcome the problems over the next year.

The baby says MaMa and DaDa but those are the only "words" that he will utter. He still cries Ning Ning when he wants a bottle and he laughs and gurgles and does sing-song chatter all of the time. Phew. We were extremely worried about his lack of smiles and laughter but it looks as though he is just a serious soul.

If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Staying home with my baby is the single greatest gift of my life. We'll certainly feel the impact later on in life when we retire but I don't care. I get to spend every hour of every day with my little guy and it is pure joy. Financial stress be damned.

My husband is one of the best dads in the world. He oozes love for our little boy and truly enjoys spending time with him banging spoons on the hardwood or cruising around the house with him on his shoulders. Husband loves to feed the baby, change the baby, bathe the baby and hold the baby in his arms every night until he falls asleep. This man is a true diamond.

The longer that I'm a mom...the more angry I get about my childhood and the way I was treated by my parents. I suspect that our relationship would have been much different if we'd had a baby while my parents were still alive. The good news is that all that I experienced in my childhood is guiding me toward the parent that I intend to be. So much of what happened when I was a kid was so very wrong.

Husband has reclaimed his Mojo and is back in the groove. He makes the bed, cleans all of the dirty dishes and scoops the poop on schedule. All that I can say is, Thank You Gawd.

Mr Magoo is being returned to his foster home because he won't stop peeing in my house. Last week, the baby crawled through two puddles in the family room. I simply cannot stand to live in this filth any longer. The dog trainer couldn't promise that this could get fixed. Less than 5% of the dogs out there insist on marking the house and Mr Magoo is one of them. My heart is broken but he has to go.

Our white cat is on his way out the door too. As soon as the baby came home with us a year ago, he started peeing all over the baby's room, clothing, car seat, etc. I've done everything that I can do to stop it but he just.keeps.peeing on the nursery rug and the baby's stuffed bear-chair. My heart is broken to have to send him away too but he has to go.

My Siamese has been diagnosed with incurable bronchitis. He's the one who has slept with me every night for over 10 years. We've done every test and tried every drug known to help with his condition, but he's not responding and his breathing is growing more cumbersome. I just don't understand why they can't fix this condition.

So essentially, I am going to lose 50% of my pets in a very short amount of time. I'll be left with two cats and one dog. I know, that should be plenty of animals in our home, and it is. But it won't be the same without the other three.

Those are the updates for now. Life is good, not entirely easy, but I'm happy with it all the same.

2007-11-11T04:36:00.000-08:00

So. This is what it feels like to be 51.

According to www.realage.com, I am not the perky 45 year old that I should be. Primarily because I don't floss every day, I'm overweight and I don't take a vitamin supplement.

So I bought the book You: Staying Young by Dr. Oz in an effort to improve my overall health. I want to drink that green juice that he whipped-up on Oprah. It looked good to me and she called it, "Refreshing."

Hey, I could use some Refreshing.

We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, I recommend going onto the real age website and taking the quiz. It's good information.

Tough Weekend

2007-11-04T07:43:00.001-08:00

RSV shot - double dose, bigger needle.
Weight loss of 1/2 lb over 10 days.
Teething tears all.day.long.
No more midnight feedings.
Baby Boy hollering for 30 minutes until he fell back asleep at 3:30am.

The crick in my neck is the size of an orange.

We're heading out to the park today to give the baby some swing/slide time. The PT felt that this would be good exercise for him to strengthen his upper and torso tone.

At 10 1/2 months adjusted age, Baby Boy was assessed at 9 months developmentally for gross and fine motor, 9 months receptive communication and 8 months verbal communication. I'd say that this is all good when you consider his tough entry into the world.

Jill: His head is still very large compared to his body.

PT: You might want to have that checked out. Although a lot of parents decide not to pursue it because they don't want to feel differently about their child.

Jill: Do you see anything to indicate that we should be concerned at this point?

PT: (pause) No. He doesn't giggle or smile a lot, and we're going to have to wait and see if that is just part of his personality.

And so it goes. The Watchful Waiting that suspends over our heads but frequently disappears because the baby is learning and growing every day. The best part? He loves to snuggle and hug. He's also a great (big-mouth bass) kisser.

So even though life is tough right now...it's totally tempered by the baby's sweetness and love-ability.

Tough weekend. But life is good.

2007-10-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to Throw in the Towel and resign myself to the fact that Nothing Else Can be Done. It's just not in my DNA. So more often than not, you'll find me going down in flames while attempting to fix something as opposed to me walking away and saying that "I Have Done All That Can Be Done."

Those were the words used by the physician who cared for my dad in the hospital. And those same words were uttered by the vet last night.

My favorite Siamese cat has developed bronchitis/asthma and we are struggling to keep him alive. He never had this problem in California, so I have been racking my brain to identify all of the new sources that could be causing this condition. In the meantime, Prednasone, kitty inhalers, multiple shots, 4 pills a day...nothing is beating this thing. I have also changed cat litter (non-dust version), cat food, floor cleaner, detergent, laundry softener and all spray-items. The house is thoroughly cleaned once a week, and I stopped running the furnace and air conditioner. I replaced his old cat bed with a new, heated version.

Today, I plan to start giving him bottled water versus tap.

So my vet has suggested that we consider Other Options. Meaning: It may be time to put the old fella to sleep.

Well, Hell. This cat is only 12 years old, and he has slept under my arm every night for the last 10 years.

(Quick Note to Self: Try switching deodorant.)

I am not ready to put him down. I know that we are going to find the answer to this puzzle and help him get better, dammit. I am not willing to accept the words, "There's nothing else we can do." Especially when it's a matter of life and death.

In other news, the baby is doing great. He loves his new PT and OT, and I am so relieved that we made this change. Other health care professionals kept telling me that our first one was The Best, so I hung in there for the baby's sake. But I always knew that something was "off". And seeing our two, new folks interact with Baby Boy completely reinforces that gut feeling.

The baby is slowly starting to accept food and open his mouth to take a bite. I believe that taking the Previcid created a very negative oral experience for him, and that is what we have had to overcome. It's been slow progress, but I finally am able to get the baby to eat two tablespoons of YoBaby yogurt. Woo-Hoo!

Today feels like the end of an era in this house: We are moving the baby's crib out of our room and into his own room across the hall. I am so happy that he's growing and thriving - but at the same time, I'm sad that he's transitioning out of infancy into toddler hood. I remember trying to stay awake all night to insure he was breathing when he first came home with us. When he was on oxygen, I was vigilant at checking his levels and insuring his tubes weren't kinked. After he went off the oxygen, I worried about SIDS. Then he started rolling over and sleeping on his stomach, and I would worry about his ability to get fresh air. Several months ago, he started to wake up 2 times a night - probably because he was teething. Now, finally, he's sleeping through the night again. And Husband and I both agree that it's time for him to move into his room.

But the truth is that I like having him next to us. Not in our bed, but just near us so that we can wake up, look at him, and then roll over and go back to sleep.

I dunno. Maybe it's too soon. For me.