Free Falling

I've been losing altitude for years.

Personal confidence. Professional esteem. Income growth. Personal accomplishments. Every year has seen a decline in all of these areas. Is this a normal part of aging? Not for everyone, I don't think so. So why is this my reality? Will my MoJo ever be recovered?  How long can one Wallow and still be able to pull out of it? 

I'm utterly and completely stalled out. 

And so it goes. Until I decide to make it otherwise.

How is it possible to wake up one day and realize that you have whittled your life down to just a few areas of focus? 

Child. 
Husband. 
House. 
1-2 dinners with neighbors per month. 
Cleaning. 
Facebook. 

Damn, I used to be fun! Spirited and effervescent! 

Now, I'm like a tired, old donkey. Don't want to move around too much. No longer surprised when someone tries to hurt me or tease me. Just want my food and water and a cool spot in the shade.

I'm at a crossroads right now and need to make a decision. Do I step back into life and experience new risks, joys and surprises? Get back into shape and be active again? Drag my butt out of this BarcaLounger and get out of the house?

 Or do I roll over and play dead? Just as I've been doing for the last 3 months.

Lots of people get laid off from their jobs. This pity party really needs to end.

Hee Haw.

Containment

We have a plan. An overwhelming, large and uncertain plan.

And I honestly don't know what is worst - the overwhelmingly large number of things we have to accomplish or the utter uncertainty of it all.

I want to live in a house that is smaller and more manageable. I'm tired of dealing with 5 things wrong or broken at the same time. And we have too much stuff. Nice stuff, silly stuff, fun stuff. Most of it packed away and not really used all that much.

I want to be a part of a neighborhood where the people are more like us. Seeing kids ride bikes down the street or connecting with neighbors in their front yards while they mow the lawn or plant flowers.

It's a simpler life that I want - one with less square footage and maintenance responsibility. One that includes a sense of peace over the community we live in. Where we are comfortable being our selves and living around people who can swing over for burgers on the weekend without it being a big Shebang.

There's a lot of worry over the real estate market right now. Uncertainty on how we will sell the house with so many others on our street listed at the same time. All of the fixing and improvements that must be done before we list. How to balance all of that with two full time jobs and a 4 year old.

Details.

Tedious and relenting. They're keeping me up at night yet remaining immune from any sense of logic.

But it's in my heart to make this change. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. Despite the overwhelming To-Do list and the Unknown.

Loco Motion

It's a certainty in life that the Unexpected will pop-up without warning.

People you thought you knew say things that you never imagined would come out of their mouths.

Friends you expected to share good times with for years to come suddenly tell you that they are moving to Ireland. In 2 months.

Your son makes a random comment - out of the blue and with zero prompting - that is so raw and heartfelt that it moves you from complacency to Action.

And so it is done. The wheels are in motion.

Life has been full of stress and worry...pure happiness and relief...sweet moments and intense focus.

My ambition is thriving.
My energy is way, way Up.
I am consumed with a feeling of Excited Unease - chasing the goal and figuring out how to Make It Happen.

Thank you, God.
For helping me stage a Comeback.

Six years ago, I walked through Pottery Barn Kids and cried.

I was there to purchase a baby gift for a friend who had just given birth to her second child. I looked around the store and soaked in the bedding, the cute rugs, the furniture...cute and quaint things that screamed Babies!

I was just lost in hopelessness. Utterly and completely unable to see how and when we would ever have kids of our own. So I moved through that store slowly and touched everything in sight. When I finally purchased the stuffed dog rocking chair for my friend, I cried. When I drove to the back of the store to have it loaded into my car, my heart plunged. When I tied the pink bow around its neck, I felt desperate pangs of envy. I hated myself for being so petty, so hurt, so barren.

Six years later, we have the most loving, sweet and precious child that we get to raise. We play kickball in the house, make cookies, use the computer together and have water wars in the bathroom. My son frequently empties drawers throughout the house, he draws on walls and he curiously inspects every new item that comes through the door. Last night, he threw up all over me in bed. And lately, he's been grabbing my hand and telling me that He Loves Me.

I love being a Mom.

And I am so thankful that it happened. To us. Before it was too late. Before I gave up and stopped trying.

I've been thinking a lot about the lesson in all of that. Embracing the concept that good things happen over time. Working hard to understand how important it is to never lose hope.

At the edge of despair lies joyful times.

Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.

I'll try to hold my high this week when I'm told that my job has been eliminated. I'll do my best to take it in stride, and I'll look forward to what is Next.

Because joy and peace of mind are possible. It isn't too late and it certainly ain't over. Wonderful is still out there within reach.

OK, who in their right mind would eat deep fried chicken skin bites?

Apparently, a lot of people.

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/page/10

Though, I have to admit...a couple of these dishes look really, really tasty!