How can life be so wonderful and so damn difficult at the same time?
I found a squirrel in the front yard yesterday. It couldn't stand and kept falling over onto its side. It apparently slept in the wet, grassy moss all night and seemed to be barely alive. I immediately fed it unsalted peanuts and brought it a bowl of water. It literally ate 20 peanuts without stopping. At one point, it was eating one and it just toppled over...with very little reaction, which led me to believe it had sustained a head injury. We wrapped him up and took him to the Humane Society, and sure enough, the little guy had neurological damage. He probably fell out of a tree and landed on his head. No blood, no open wounds...just a little scratch on his forehead, which apparently sustained major damage.
The wildlife vet said, "It doesn't look good." I'm assuming that's code for..."He's being euthanized right now, as we speak."
My mom has had several bleeding incidents again. She banged her leg against a table a week ago and I have been steadily wrapping and disinfecting the wound. The other night, the wound started POURING blood out of her. It reminded me of a leaking faucet, just one, continuous flow. Blood was on the carpet, the tile, in the grout...it went everywhere. The most upsetting part was seeing mom in distress. Crying, helpless, in total despair.
The squirrel incident and my mom's health condition are resting heavily on my heart. I want to fix things. I want to make it better. I want to be a Healer. And I am powerless to help in a way that I yearn to do.
I read once that we are mere flecks of dust floating along through the wind of life. There is no permanence, no contribution that we can make that will last forever. And regardless of how much we want something with our total being...we can't change the forward motion of time.
Several years ago I was in San Francisco with friends to tour the Open Studios - a day when artists open their studios to the public and sell their artwork directly to the consumer. We got lost on the way there - we were in two cars - and we were circling the neighborhood of Hunter's Point. A two-year old baby boy ran out of his mother's arms, in between two parked cars and into the street. My friend, who was driving behind us, ran over him without ever seeing him...and the little guy died instantly.
I remember running back to the scene of the accident, seeing what had happened, and dropping to my knees. I tried to bargain with God. "Please, take my home, take my cats. Please, anything, let this little boy live."
I felt enveloped by a Black Hole in time - everything moved in slow motion, and my soul was crying out to God to fix this thing, this horrible thing that should never have happened.
And I suddenly became aware of how trivial I was...Utterly Powerless...to save the life of a baby.
And it is in that spot that I sit here today. I can't save the ones I love. Once again, I am reminded that I am a temporary speck on the face of this Earth. And no matter how badly I want something...I am inconsequential and most certainly, not in control.