Thursday, November 25, 2004

Dear God,

I'm sorry that I continue to hurt inside so much despite all of the incredible blessings you have passed my way. I think I understand now that the purpose of my life is not for me to be happy. Which is really hard for me to accept, because I've always thought that was the goal.

I'm trying to love other people despite the storms that beat against me. To live with compassion and to not judge. To live from my heart and to do the Right Thing, even when that means I don't come out on top.

I'm sorry that I'm so competitive. It's hard to control sometimes.

I'm grateful for the moments that I feel content - even the blips of happiness that override the inner angst. But my hurt is always there. Will it ever go away?

I know that I have more in my life than I deserve. Sometimes I try to boost myself up by thinking that my childhood was so bad that you've given me abundance to make up for it. Deep down, I know that's not true. Because I've seen people live tragic lives without ever getting to a better place, a place of peace.

I'm sorry I'm jealous of the woman at mom's table who just won the lottery. I'm sorry that I can't feel happy for her. I'm sorry that I keep wishing that it was me.

I know that this is partly tied to the story about Mr. Webb and the reason he didn't leave his money to my Aunti Hazel. I'm sorry I get mad whenever someone brings up Webb Towers at USC and for being furious at my dad for years because he was the reason we weren't in the will. I'm sorry I've allowed myself to feel a deficit from all of this for so long.

I'm tired, God. Tired of feeling heartbroken over the tough paths my family faces. Tired of beating myself up. Tired of seeing the bad guys "win." Tired of dealing with criminals at work. Tired of dealing with petty issues. Tired of wishing I was someone else or somewhere else.

I wish I could see the hope in my own life that I am able to see in others' lives. I wish I could feel excited again, and just take everything in stride. I feel so blase.

This is my prayer for 2005. Please, God. I'd like to feel hope for myself again. I've come a long way, I know. I just don't want to get stuck here and live this melancholy existence forever. If there is a lesson that I need to learn so I can move on, please God, please help me get it. I really want to move on.

Thank you for giving me such a wonderful husband.
Thank you for helping my parents experience peace and happiness.
Thank you for helping Ann catch the cancer before it spread.
Thank you for giving Denise one daughter who brings her sheer joy.
Thank you for giving us Pierce.
Thank you for providing me with a job that keeps us afloat.
Thank you for my cats.
Thank you for teaching me about forgiveness this year. I'm sorry I was so resistant.
Thank you for teaching me to respect the value of life - human, animal & insect.
Thank you for keeping my husband's family well.
Thank you for keeping us warm and safe and dry.
Thank you for continuing to give me a chance to do good.

Please continue to bless this family and please help us as we start the process of the adoption again. In your son's name I pray. I love you.