Friday, January 07, 2005

I am mired in fear.

Fear of telling my director that I am applying for an internal transfer to Denver. Fear that I am throwing away a fantastic life. Fear that I will be easily replaced in my position. Fear that I'm a lousy manager. Fear that I am going to destroy the only shred of happiness that my parents have experienced in years.

Conversely, I feel convicted to move. To raise children in a city that is affordable. To transition out of sales and into training, my passion. To get away from San Francisco and all of its traffic congestion and $800,000 fixer-uppers. To slow down, work normal hours and commute no more than 20 minutes each way. To own a home that has a backyard. To get least two of them...from the humane society. To learn how to breathe deeply again and feel calm enough to lose weight.

I'm up, I'm down. And through it all, I'm afraid.