Monday, October 31, 2005

The Zen of Jewelry Making

The anger has subsided but the hurt will remain for a very long time. So I am focusing my attention on making jewelry, and I'm having fun taking photos of my different designs.

Stringing beads is an extremely calming and peaceful activity. It's funny though...I know several people who are patient by nature, but they can't tolerate the idea of putting little beads onto little wires for hours at a time. Me? I have very little patience with most things, but I can spend an entire afternoon separating my beads, lining them up to test color coordination, and then stringing and restringing them.

My hope is to sell most of the items that I produce. I'm still working on creating the prototypes, and I am just now setting up a website. It's fun, and it keeps me distracted. Otherwise, I tend to dwell on many of the other hurtful things that have been said to me over my lifetime:

"You're a flake and I predict that you'll be married and divorced at least 7 times."
Sister, 1988

"You've really surprised me with how well you've done. You were an average student and I never thought you'd make much of yourself."
Dad, 1997

"One day your heart is going to swell up to the size of a pea and explode."
Sister, 1992

"You get down on your hands and knees and beg forgiveness from your sister, because you hurt her feelings. I don't care if she was mean to you and I don't care if she started it. You are destroying this family and I won't have it."
Mother, 1995

"You need to stop wearing those pants. You look like a fat lesbian."
Sister, 2000

The list goes on and on and on.

You know, I've thought about this alot because I think that patterns exist in a person's life for a reason and that people who continually yell, "I'm a victim!" are actually missing their own contribution to their plight. But honestly, I have been the Black Sheep in my family for my entire life. I had hoped that things would shuffle and shift after my sister Ann passed away..but nooo, the family still feels the need to tell me what they think about how I live my life.

Note to family: Reality Check

I pay my bills on time.
I don't drink heavily or regularly and I don't do drugs.
I don't steal or cheat or gamble.
I dedicated my career to helping others exceed their own expectations of themselves.
I am a faithful and trustworthy wife.
I take exceptionally good care of my kitties.
I believe strongly in doing Good Deeds.
I don't like to hurt other people and I won't kill bugs or other living things.
I don't engage in any behaviour that is destructive.
I am honest to a fault and try to live by the Golden Rule.
I have an extremely strong work ethic and have achieved career success.
I donate to others in many different ways and I never tell anyone else about it.

Eh. I could keep going. The point is that my family sees me in a certain way that doesn't jive with how the rest of the world see me. And I take my family's opinions to I remain unsure of myself.

I wish that I could just.stop.caring. But I can't. I've never gotten their support or approval and I keep secretly hoping to get it. When I don't, I'm devastated. Again and again and again.

So today, I make keep my mind and heart at peace. And I'll probably do the same tomorrow.