Monday, December 19, 2005

I am stunned when I look back at this time last year and reflect on all that we had endured in 2004. My dad had just had a heart attack, my mom was becoming increasingly psychotic, my sister had been found unconscious and was hospitalized for 5 days with a mystery illness that we still cannot identify, my husband wasn't working, and I was deeply exhausted and recovering from a minor car accident.

I don't know how I got here - to this place where I am now. Our home is everything that I've ever wanted, there is nothing bigger or better out there that I want more than this place. I am happy exactly where I am. Husband is working solidly with people he enjoys and respects. I quit my job only to discover that I'd disliked it for a very long time. Why does it always take me so long to admit that? I don't want to go anywhere - there is no destination or hotel or resort that compares to the warmth I feel in my home. I'm still exhausted but recovering. I'm confused over the purpose of life. I'm preoccupied with death and constantly afraid that I am going to lose someone close. I appreciate every single day. I have no career and am still trying to adjust to that fact. I've lost some weight, am still quite heavy, but don't torture myself over it every minute of the hour. I love my husband more than ever. And I have a whole bunch of new, fun friends...something that I was afraid wouldn't happen before we moved.

Perhaps one day I will rediscover my ambition. Perhaps not. I don't miss the dry cleaning bill, eating lunch out every day, microwaving dinner or eating chips out of a bag in front of Law & Order because I'm too tired to cook. I don't miss managing people and I don't miss the accepted chaos/wretched customer service at my former place of employment. I don't miss the one hour ++ commute each way or the disingenuous people. Most of all, I don't miss the lack of appreciation for all of our hard and good work.

I am mystified over the events of the last 2 years and scared over the future. There will be more pain and I hope that I will get through it with grace. I barely got through the first 6 months of this year and am thankful to be intact, such that I am.