Friday, December 02, 2005

It Remains to be Seen

The wind is howling and it's just started to snow. Everyone else in the house is asleep, except Boss, who thinks it's amusing to sit smack dab in front of my monitor. He's like, despite my belief that he transcends mere animalhood and is one of our most precious National Treasures.

I guess I'm awake because I'm worried. Nothing specific. Just a huge vastland of Unknown is facing me, which was by choice. I chose to quit my job and move to Colorado. I chose to to not look for work and spend my days de-stressing. I am currently choosing to not go back into sales management, even though I've built my entire life on it and the income that I've earned through the years.

I sincerely don't know what I want to do. My ambition is like a flat tire...completely and totally deflated.

Barry Gibb once stated in a television interview: "I guess all of the controversy has been good because we've always had something to prove. Once that goes away, you quit." (sic) That's as close to the real quote that I can get, but the point is that I no longer have anything to prove and that has extinguished my motivation and drive. I certainly can't afford to do this forever and desperation will finally kick-in and get me off my butt...but in the meantime, I spend my days making jewelry, shopping for antiques to sell locally and cleaning.

Except for the last two days because I took another header down some stairs and I may have broken my foot. I can't seem to walk but I've adopted a Wait and See attitude before going to the hospital for x-rays. I've never fallen so much in my life. A friend listened to me describe my latest mishap and asked, "Were you drinking?"

(Raspberry) "Nope, not a drop. I've just stopped looking at where I'm going."

There seems to be a parallel at work here.

I already know that I'm an enfp. I've done tons of skills tests. Some days, I want to be a massage therapist. Other days a paralegal because I love doing research. Then on the other days I want to design websites. I'm all.over.the.board.

I know that this is an exciting time and I'm embracing it, I really am. But it's also scary. What if I don't find the Next Big Thing? Will I have to go back to sales management and slowly turn into a piece of chipped beef? All dried up and knotty?

As the title remains to be seen.

Isn't that right, Boss?

Hey. Down in front.