Wednesday, February 15, 2006

From Good to Rotten

Husband comes home every night and tells me how much he loves his job. He respects the guys he works with, loves carving limestone, and he told me that if he were to "die today, he'd die happy."


I want to get me some of that.

I'm still struggling with finding enough stuff to keep me occupied and feeling OK about not working. I've got to keep resisting the urge to find a new job until I can determine what I will be doing to get to my very own Happy Place.

In the meantime, I take comfort in knowing that the other little critters racing around the homestead are utterly content. Despite the cold weather, they stay warm. They're very well fed. And, well....let's just say they get a whole lotta loving.

I can't help but wonder what will happen to them after we adopt and we've got kids running around, screaming and potentially terrorizing them. I suspect we'll all be in shock for a while. Then, hopefully, things will settle down and we'll meld into one another. The very last thing I want to have to do is get rid of any of the cats.

In other news, Husband finally did call his brother and told him that staying here for a few months "wouldn't work" though he did extend the olive branch to take the kids through the summer. It doesn't sound promising...they are packing up and moving to Kansas next week. Beth is dropping the charges against Kevin, and I feel more than mildly disappointed. I have zero tolerance for spouse abuse and would have preferred to see him held accountable. But Beth wants to preserve her family...such as it is. I am so angry at both of them for their irresponsible choices that will ultimately impact the kids on a very hurtful level. I really don't care if the two of them want to go out and self-destruct. They have no right to pull the kids down with them. Those kids deserve more, dammit.

They deserve to have a happy childhood free from violence and alcoholism. They deserve to feel safe. And be well-fed and comforted...rather than them being the ones to do the comforting. They deserve to learn how to live with integrity. Rather than watch a Dad who continues to drive with a revoked license, take drugs in front of them, gamble and cuss and spit and yell at them continuously. They deserve a mother who gets up in the morning before 3pm to make sure they've had breakfast and aren't wearing summer clothes in the dead of winter. They deserve to be told, "No, you're not going to a party at midnight because you're only 14." Rather than saying after the fact, "Ah, it was a good experience for her to get busted with alcohol and put on probation." WTF? Good experience? And I suppose he missed the irony that he had to ride a bike to the jailhouse at 3am to bail-out his 14 year old...because he himself was drunk.

Believe me when I say that I wanted to throw their bloody asses in jail at that very moment. For bad parenting. For shitty choices. For blowing every second chance that anyone and everyone has ever given them. They're a bad combo. Violence and passivity. Addicts living for the moment and nothing more. Always believing that they can make a new start no matter how bad they let it get.

I'm a believer that second chances do eventually run out.

Dammit, I hurt for those kids.

I want to bring them here, to our home, and wrap them up in love and childish fun. Give them their very own little, warm nest so they can relax and feel secure and loved.

Well. It remains to be seen.