Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Peaks & Valleys

On a bit of a downward slide.

I stand in place and watch things around me change or crumble or completely fall apart.

Husband's job is No More.
The once-offered job for me has been rescinded.
They recognized the salary was waaaay too low.
Repairs on the car top $3600.
Insurance hasn't yet confirmed that they will pay.
Husband's employer is dickering over his paycheck.
And they owe him for work done 2 months ago.
I'm moody, tearful and overly sensitive.
And I'm not pregnant.
Confirmed by a test this morning.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm thinking that the Husband job problem is an opportunity for me to approach this situation differently, with faith and love and support. I hate to admit that I've never really been gracious with my husband over his employment or income. I've always had very high expectations and typically think in tactical terms. Husband thinks more in terms of loyalty and emotion.

Example: Husband once worked for a company for over 14 years. About 8 years before he finally left, they started dipping into the 401k general fund....yes, as in borrowing money and then replacing it at a later time. So Husband stopped contributing...but he didn't quit. Around 5 years before he left the company, all sick days become "non-paid", they stopped providing annual evaluations/ salary increases, and they fiddled with overtime amounts so that they could pay less. Finally, one year before he left, the company went bankrupt. All employees lost their banked vacation days and many weren't paid for work done. Husband had about 250 hours of vacay time banked and he lost.it.all.

I remember asking (imploring) him to leave and to find a better job. But he wouldn't do it. He didn't want to "let the president of the company down." I shot back, "But he's letting you down by using your 401k funds illegally and not giving you increases and taking away your sick days!"

My words fell on deaf ears.

Hence, my absolute fear of what happens next with husband and his job. The man is wildly talented. But he's an artist and he's not ambitious in a strategic way.

And ultimately, we'll be fine. I know this deep down in my heart.

But that doesn't stop the irrational panic attacks in the middle of the night. My foreboding sense that we're entering a downward spiral into a succession of bad things happening that are out of our control to stop.

I went through all of this just over a year ago. Really, I'm not ready for this again.

But the world has placed this situation at our feet and I now have the chance to act differently when stressed and under duress. I'm going to be nicer. More understanding and supportive.

Damn, but it's hard to do What's Right when you're riddled with fear.