Friday, January 11, 2008

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my sister's death. Thinking about that phone call still knocks the wind right out of me.

Yesterday, we also got another call from Husband's mom to let us know that the lung cancer diagnosis was official. Results from an additional test are due on Tuesday and they will let us know the extent of the cancer and treatment options. I keep hearing Dad's voice uttering words, "It doesn't look good." Bloody Hell.

I'm at a crossroads right now...trying to decide if getting lost in suburbia was such a great idea after all. I am positively climbing the walls, a situation that is exacerbated by the fact that we are hibernating to keep the baby as healthy as possible. I am unable to make a firm decision on what my next career move is going to be. I am continuing to harbor resentment that I even need to work on a career decision because my husband's job is...paltry. I need to come to terms with the cost of meds for the Siamese cat - or make that terrible decision to put him down. (He apparently has lost all knowledge of how to pee and poop in a cat box...preferring the family room and the baby's hamper basket instead. What is it about pets eliminating everywhere in the house except in the designated box? Has the world gone mad!!?)

I'm also feeling a little down about my lack of support here in Colorado. We've certainly made friends with all our neighbors but it's strictly social. I really miss having my close girlfriends nearby, especially now that I have a baby and we could share in the joy together. Husband and I were always the extra wheel in California. Everyone had kids and we just hung out with them - when we were invited to the events. It was awkward, no doubt about it. Especially when we wanted to have our own baby so badly.

I'm also thinking that this cold weather is a pain in the butt. I spent more than an hour shoveling snow yesterday...when I wasn't slipping around on the ice. It's truly beautiful, but damn, it's cold. And heating this house is no easy feat. High ceilings should be outlawed in Colorado.

I suppose I'm just melancholy because of my sister and father in law...and just let it go at that. I'm all cranky and filled with discontent. Time for a cup of hot cocoa and then off to bed.