A Complex Path

I was thinking about being a Good Parent yesterday when I booked my son's party at the local jumpy jump room.

Mom never threw a birthday party for me, which I ended up resenting. Therefore I will not repeat that pattern with my son. Does that make me a Good Parent...or even a Better Parent?

It eases my emotional strife but Son doesn't know the difference.

Will he look back at his life and remember all of the things I didn't do much the way I look back at my own childhood?

In my early twenties, I had come to peace with my family and upbringing and forged forward in my life unaffected.

Then came the wedding persecution, the dna test, the psychotic behavior, the sickness, my attempts to rescue and the ultimate loss. I made it through my traumatic childhood and then got KO'd in my adulthood.

And I'm angry.

For having to put up with all of that shit. For not being able to manage turmoil and a thriving career at the same time. For breaking down and losing my self. For not being able to pull it together, have kids or at least start the adoption process earlier. For squandering so much opportunity and ending up here. Low level career. My son in daycare (preschool is a feel-better name). For allowing myself to live in anger and resentment. That's something like Anger Squared or to the nth degree.

I should have done Better.

And all these thoughts roll through my brain as I mull over cake toppers for my son's birthday party.

Something so simple and yet...