Saturday, July 17, 2004

There Are No Take-Backs When You've Hurt Someone

I have written about my difficult childhood many times. I was yelled at, chased, swatted, slapped and emotionally abused.

I have also written that my mom has moved in with us because of her health and happiness issues. Pure and simple, she's not doing well.

Last night, I was stern and harsh with her. I don't know....maybe my day at work was too much and I was on edge. Maybe I fell into my old pattern of talking back to her - which matched the velocity of how she spoke to me when I was a kid. Maybe I was just being impatient, intolerant, more concerned about how I was feeling in the moment.

The reason behind the behaviour doesn't really matter. Because the result was my mother breaking into tears...done quietly and softly and with utter resignation.

The moment seized me and I began crying too. It almost felt as though I had hurt a small, vulnerable animal that could not defend itself.  I abused my power and hurt a very sweet, old, little woman who is slowly dying and doing all that she can to slow down that process.

I absolutely hate myself right now.