Sunday, September 05, 2004

The head still hurts. The stomach is topsy-turvy. And I'm still feeling overwhelmed.

I have a hundred reasons for being unhappy. Unfortunately, I learned a long time ago that there is usually something wrong with the person who blames The Rest of the World...and that is what I have been doing.

I am consumed with my stress and distress over things I cannot control.
  • It's a job where I depend on other people to hit my goals...but they operate with a different set of objectives. Which results in me being judged and compensated for results that they dictate.
  • It's my husband...who is now earning about $12 an hour, and I am going mad. He's trying so hard to make his new business work, he refuses to acknowledge that it hasn't lifted off the ground...and it's not going to anytime soon. (Though truth be told, I spent years overspending when we did earn (alot) more money and I didn't work in partnership with him at the time. No wonder he's resisting me now and not getting a real job.)
  • It's my mom who has dementia and is prone to nagging. Sometimes I yell at her to stop tormenting me, stop telling me what to do in my own home. I'm cruel and hateful in these moments.
  • It's my state of poor health. Everything seems to hurt now, from my stomach to my joints to my muscles. Guess who's guilty of not exercising regularly for over three years?
  • It's the stress of moving my parents into an assisted care living facility and my mother begging to "stay here and die."
  • It's the act of putting the remodel on hold because of the finances. All that money and time spent...for a gorgeous set of plans.
  • It's the responsibility of developing systems and managing a team of 30 people, 28 of whom are brand new to the company and working newly created positions. It's my specialty...but the workload has made my edges harden...and I have stopped doing the important mentoring and training.
  • It's the ongoing issue of catching front-line employees trying to rip the company off and be paid sales commission that they didn't earn. Despite auditing all sales activities and doing the Right Thing (not paying the commission, reporting the offenders to HR, altering the security team when illegal activity is occurring)...with my own team and all other employees...there is no satisfaction in catching a cheater. There is only the constant fatigue of working with so many swindlers and the incessant worry of how many other ploys are being used that still remain Under the Radar.
  • It's the Boss who is a hard driving perfectionist...who holds her team to higher standards. Which is the Right Thing to do...except those standards are not mirrored by any other director in the company. And there is a point where that catches up to a person...and they begin to ask, "Where is the equity in Expectations and Deliverables?"
  • It's the disgust with my lifestyle...which consists of commuting 2 hours per day, working in a highly charged environment, eating, feeding mom and then sleeping. Repeat 4 more times, throw in a weekend of sickness and there you have it. Me and My Life.
  • It's the worry of how am I supposed to manage all of this...PLUS adopt 2 little babies from Russia and be a terrific mother? Then the thoughts of never being able to have children creeps into my mind and that's it. It's All Over Except for the Crying.
So as I conintue to pop-off about everything that is W-R-O-N-G in my life and point the finger at everyone else for being Wrong or Lazy or Numb...I need to look at me, and ask why I'm not taking action to fix all of these things that I don't like.

I have prayed. I have talked to people. I have sought advice from professionals. I have worked really hard at just getting through it all.

But here I sit, with more issues compounding daily. Along with the headaches.