Thursday, September 23, 2004

Not My Better Half

I have been confronted by my limitations today. All that I cannot do or do not do well. It was a chance to Step Up To The Plate and I didn't do it. But truth be told, this isn't uncommon with me.
  1. 6 years ago, I couldn't jump 15 feet into a pond. Kids as young as 7 years old were doing it. My husband dove in and landed in a big 'ol belly flop. I stood on the edge, petrified, wondering if the water was so cold I would have a heart attack from the shock. With dozens of people casually watching me, I backed away and never jumped. I was a coward. And my husband witnessed it.
  2. I cannot do anything gracefully. There isn't a "genteel" bone in my body. I have one really good tumble down a flight of stairs every year. It is common for me to go to ER because I've cut myself when chopping an onion. I even walk like a gorilla. The stage in my high school play had to be carpeted because I walk so loudly.
  3. Math escapes me. Several people have attempted to teach me geometry with no success. It's almost as though the nerve in my brain is disconnected. I can understand the logic and the information input, but I cannot functionally solve a problem or apply it. I have accepted that I probably never will.
  4. I am not very good at pulling myself out of slumps. I have been spiraling downward for years and have achieved very little lift. Weight? Oy Vey. Looks? Gone. Positive attitude? Diminishing. Effervescence? Snuffed out.
  5. I am not a good caretaker. I am not good with blood. I am horrible with pain and crying and dejection and fear when it's all centered on something that I cannot fix. So I wring my hands, shut myself in a room and cry by myself, and rage internally. Feeling inept, cruel in my impatience, and trapped with no solution in sight.

I have behaved horribly today because I am teetering on the edge of a bonafide Tilt. It's no excuse. So tonight I pray that I can do better tomorrow. Be more loving, kinder...and yes, full of grace.