Saturday, November 13, 2004

Whoa, Nelly.

Something strange is underway.

It started several months ago when I was told that I was one of the top 2 managers who scored the highest on a management assessment (test). This basically means that I did better than my boss, my peers, even my VP. This came as quite a surprise, so I just tucked the incident into a back pocket in my brain and kept going my merry little way.

Since then, I've held a few training and think tank sessions with my team...and I'm truly starting to feel good about what I do. What I mean, is that I'm not going through the day with anxiety...wondering if I am doing everything correctly and not getting into trouble in someone's mind. This is something that I have always dwelled on - and it made me edgy and intense and unsatisfied.

I dunno. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's tied to the transcontinental shift in my emotions over the financial issues on the homefront - and the realization that I am married to a wonderful man no matter how much or how little he earns. Maybe it's the way that I'm suddenly fulfilled by all that I have. Or my fascination with birds and squirrels and the gentle dance of leaves falling off trees. Or my newly found willingness to consider losing weight... suddenly feeling safe to do it. And the fact that I no longer blurt out..."Don't touch me!" when I torment myself with stabbing, hurtful thoughts of how I have failed. Certainly, it has to be tied to the forgiveness issue with my parents...and my desire to take absolutely nothing from them, but to just give...and then give again.

I sincerely don't know what is happening to my constitution, but it is most definitely mellowing out and becoming settled. My newly found confidence and happiness at work plays a major role. But so does the softer stuff. The opening of my heart.