Monday, November 07, 2005

Resisting the Urge.

My life is anything but idle. I make jewelry, I purchase antiques and resell them through a local retail shop, I volunteer, I manage all of my husband's portfolio development and bills, and I'm writing a book for my future adopted child.

So why do I feel compelled to look for a Real Job?

I have been ingrained to believe that my purpose in life is to work, and my competitive nature makes me want to work at my highest, multi-tasking capacity. "I can't take a job with a title lower than Director....or one that pays less than $XXX...or one with fewer than 15 direct reports."

This pretty much describes a 50+ hour per week position with Stress. Why do I do this to myself? It's as though I have this innate belief that what I am currently doing is less important, less valuable. As if I'm wasting time and just treading water. Despite all of the bad happenings over the last year and the resulting message that inner mojo is pushing me to get back into the rat race and define myself by what I earn.

NO. NO. NO. I mustn't.

But...if I do become weak and send out my resume, I hope that I am jilted by the receiver. Not called. Not interviewed. Not given a shot at the job. Because although I'll take that as a harsh ego-hit, I know deep inside that it's what I need.

To overcome this battle of expectations and competitive drive. And just let myself Be.