Saturday, December 31, 2005

Desperately Seeking Reattachment.

The new nightstand lamp arrived yesterday, and the poor dear had lost her head. Literally. Wisteria is handling it beautifully and the new one should arrive shortly.

A decorator-friend tells me that it's good to mix some Asian-influenced items in with any decor to make it visually eclectic. So, this is my attempt along with an oriental, paper mache tray and a black chest.

I fumble with the frivolous right now because I know there is a pending item on my plate.

Today is my day to create the new resolutions...something that I do most every year. I've been walking around thinking that I've lost my ambition until a new thought permeated my mind last night and kicked me in the gut: I think I've been confusing ambition with courage. I've lost my willingness to take on any fight, prove myself, step out into the unknown. I no longer know what constitutes my identity. It used to be my job, and now I'm refusing, refusing to go back to what I used to do. Granted, I still need time to heal and get well. The stomach issues rage on, the migraines, the fatigue and the sluggishness have all continued despite my emotional recovery. Yes, there's still work to do on the physical.

Career-wise though, I'm at a loss. Totally blank. Empty. Phhffft.

Come to think of it...I'm sort of headless myself when it comes to this aspect of my life.

I don't know when my own personal reattachment will begin, but I'm antsy and searching without focus. And scared. No panic but an underlying degree of fear that I may not find the next thing. Which is silly, really, I know this. But the fear remains.

I like tangibles. Knowing the plan and being able to work on it. Feeling that I'm making progress and moving forward in my career.

Perhaps I have the perfect beginning for that list of resolutions: Faith.