Monday, April 24, 2006

You speak as though you fully understand me and my situation. You're an Authority on my life circumstances, and you gladly share your Opinion in the middle of an otherwise benign conversation.

I've always been the Do-Wrong girl, haven't I? Despite my accomplishments, my stability, my responsibilities, the awards, the earnings, the happy marriage and the contributions to others.

I'm the one who came to your house on three separate occasions to improve your life because you weren't able to do it. I dragged all six mattress sets out of the living room to the dumpster. I shredded the piles of bills and letters that filled three rooms. I scrubbed the mold on your bathroom walls and subjected myself to more than half a dozen black widow spiders. I cleaned the heaps and heaps and heaps of laundry that sat in piles in your bedrooms for more than 4 years. I vacuumed the spider webs out of the couch and the baseboards, and I bought you new sheets - because you didn't have any. I also bought you the new washer, dryer, stove, garbage disposal, kitchen faucet and oven...because none of them worked. (BTW, how did you live without running water in the kitchen for so long?)

I try to take it in stride when you praise Ann and Denise for all they have done for you.

But I'm the one who did the grunt work. Because I couldn't stand seeing you live in the squalor. And I believed that it contributed to your depression and slow decay, and I wanted to save you from the misery of living in a trash heap.

I'm not interested in keeping score and I truly have never expected any thanks. I just wanted your life to improve.

So please stop judging me and telling me that I have to Fix My Shortcomings.

You're not fully aware of my situation. And your harsh criticism is especially stinging when I reflect on the fact that you're a hypocrite. All that you accuse me of has been a huge fault of yours...and far worse than anything that I have done or haven't done. Try to remember that I'm recovering from burnout and supreme grief. I don't want to work right now, so leave me the hell alone. A little effort on your part would go a long way.

I am stunned that you lack humility. Perhaps you wouldn't be so quick to judge if you were aware of your shortcomings as a father and husband. It's difficult to hear you assess yourself so've certainly never lack self-confidence, that's for sure. Perhaps you should try to remember these few facts:

You never held a job for more than a year.
You abandoned your family so you could sit up the street and spy on us.
You took all of the money and left us on welfare.
You terrorized my mother with listening devices and video cameras.
You were freakish to sit at the kitchen table all night with a loaded gun.
You shattered my foundation with the dna test request.
Your public insults to mom embarrassed us all.
You lived in a house with piles of trash and trails through each room.

I thought that you and I would grow closer to one another again if you moved in with us. Sadly, it hasn't happened. I was wrong to think that I could repeat my experience with JoMama.

You are quite a different person.