Thursday, June 15, 2006

I am surrounded by big-bellied women and they are everywhere. At neighborhood parties, in the media, in the grocery store.

Today is one of these days when I'm feeling resentful and angry at myself for not being able to get pregnant. I think about my body and the way it's let me down. It assaults me with raging cramps every.single.month that feel as though my legs are being shredded with a serrated knife. It bloats out and makes me look 5 months pregnant. My uterus makes me live through the misery of its existence without giving me the benefit of what it is built for: Having a baby. All reward.

It is so much easier to have your own baby than it is to adopt. We are being scrutinized from head to toe. Our entire lives are being studied to insure that we will be fit and caring parents. The time it takes to go through the adoption process is excrutiating... I imagine the 6-8 week wait to pick up the baby after already having met him/her will be a living hell. And don't get me started on the financial aspect of adoption.

I am just feeling really down today. And I'm bored. And I seem to lack purpose.

Husband's employer is about 2 months behind on I'm bitter and anxious too. The A/C in my car stopped working (because of my accident about 1.5 years ago) and they're telling me that the car frame is bent so a new radiator cannot be attached. Can't wait to learn about the final Amount Due.

I realize that life will continue to be klugy no matter how far we've traveled.

I just wish we had a baby right now. The other stuff is peripheral and just plain irritating. The baby issue is deeper, more fundamental and agonizing. And I hate my body for not working properly.

I know, I'm an ingrate because I am healthy in all other aspects. And I don't deserve to be whatwith my lack of exercise and weight.

My mind is running in circles. I'm going to go clean a closet and stop thinking about Me.