Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I mingled with the crowd yesterday until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to step away. Gain distance. Be alone. And feel sorry for myself.

I was surround by neighbors and friends and a circus of children...all running around, laughing, being coy and adventurous. A group of them had run over to a clump of low-hanging trees and started to climb the craggy branches. In their sundresses and flip-flops. I had visions of snakes and broken arms and sobbing little girls so I joined them under the canopy of green leaves...a makeshift fort of sorts. I asked the daughter of a dear friend for a hug and it boosted my spirits. Husband is still not's been 4 weeks now...and I am becoming ragged from the loneliness and boredom.

That one, little hug helped shift my perspective and I was struck by the changes that had occurred in my life in only one year.

Today is the one year anniversary of the purchase of this home. And it's the day we could officially declare, "We're from Colorado." Both of us willing to wipe California out of our mentalities and memories. Both of us willing to start new and discover a better, more down-to-earth way of life.

This house is significantly bigger, more private and much more beautiful than our last home. It's filled with sunshine and surrounded by towering pine trees that house dozens of song-singing birds. We've made nearly a dozen new friends...who love to do nothing more than get together, throw burgers and brats on the grill, drink Fat Tire and relax with laughter and warm smiles. It's been a good year overall...with only a few bumps that were so much easier to handle because all other aspects of our lives were at peace. It's been a year filled with lessons and realizations that are so starkly different from years past.
  • We have a lot less money and we are happier.
  • I've lost almost twenty pounds. I still have a long way to go, but I am more active and energetic than I was when we left California.
  • Our lives are better organized and running smoothly. Mostly because I have the time to take care of things in the moment and not procrastinate because I'm too exhausted to deal with anything and everything.
  • We both have the energy to actively keep in touch with friends and family. We no longer hide out or spend entire weekends sleeping just to catch up.
  • Having friends over for dinner is no big deal. No huge production. An event that is fun and energizing...rather than exhausting and joyless.
  • Husband has completed several gorgeous carved pieces. His customers respect and appreciate him. And he's proud of his work.
  • We spend every morning together outside...drinking coffee and talking and soaking-in the gorgeous Colorado sunrises.
  • I now drive about 50 miles total per opposed to 500 per week when I had to commute to San Jose every day.
  • I have a creative outlet in making jewelry and I actually sell quite a few pieces.
  • The Colorado weather has been an amazing improvement. Sunshine all of the time. Summer days with warm breezes at night (a rarity in the Bay Area). Low humidity that has made our complexions smoother and dryer. Spectacular sunsets with color saturation that make every afternoon look like a Maxfield Parrish painting.

In the midst of the summer celebration yesterday, I realized that I have no right to be mopey or sad about any aspect of my life. I have been blessed. Yes, I am dying to become a Mom but I will be one (someday) and I need to set these longing aches aside. Yes, I am painfully lonely without Husband, but he will be home soon, as in a couple of days. No, I don't have a career...something that seems to have rocked my world...but amazingly, we're A.O.K.

So as I sit here today contemplating my existence, I realize that I will always be sad about something...I will always be thankful for what I have...I will always wonder what I am missing out on...and I will always wonder and worry about what the future holds in store.