Thursday, July 06, 2006

My OBGYN appointment is scheduled for 4pm today. Despite the sadness swirling in my belly, I am going to ask her to "rip it all out."

The ongoing cramps and pain are disruptive. The unpredictability of the timing and output is maddening. Frankly, I'm just sick of it all. Tired of housing a temperamental organ that doesn't function properly. Tired of enduring gut-wrenching cramps and two days spent in bed most every month. Tired of being anemic. Tired of hurting most every day.

My regret is palpable. I would love for my doctor to give me some words of hope, some reason to continue to harbor this internal beast. Some small tidbit of encouragement that we still could get pregnant...just one baby and I'll be happy forever, I swear...just a slim, sliver of hope...?.

I don't care about health insurance or life insurance or the size of our savings account anymore. Life will never, ever be perfect, dammit. But this hope and dream of ours is slowly slipping away toward Never Never Land.

So, at what point does hope fade so completely away that we just throw in the towel? I'd like to say Never...but in the meantime, I'm really hurting.