Saturday, June 07, 2008

I have walked around with a chip on my shoulder for the last several years.

I've been hyper-focused on all of the bad/negative things happening in my life and kept adding to my bag of discontent with every situation that "didn't go my way." Silently, I've been lamenting that God has forsaken me, refusing to answer my prayers and leaving me astray.

I'm such an idiot.

I finally got the Aha! moment when I realized that two of my most desperate prayers had been answered. The Siamese has rebounded and is doing well. He's still congested, but he is now up and around to spend time out on the deck basking in the Colorado sunshine. Secondly, my husband's job is really starting to kick-in and he's finally earning more than he earned (in the same job) on an hourly basis (it recently converted to commission only).

My negative attitude has left me feeling shaken, spiritually bereft and angry. And frankly, I'm tired of it. Partially because it's left me drained of energy and optimism. Also partially because I believe in the concepts of The Secret - that we reap (attract) what we sow (put out there).

I need to grow up and realize that people die every day, and I was extremely lucky to have my sister and parents in my life up into my mid-forties. Somehow, I'm still shocked by those 2 years but I'm feeling that it's time for me to rebound and get back to the Old Jill.

It's going to be a long road to hoe - in many ways. But I need to do it and finally, finally I have some internal motivation to get the process started.