Saturday, June 28, 2008

I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised that it was my favorite cat that got sick and passed away. My life seems to have been unraveling over these last 4 years and this latest incident just seems to fall into place.

My grief is profound and it's been deepening for at least 6 months. That's how long I've known that my cat was not going to be able to beat this thing and eventually succumb. He was a fighter and gave it his very best to the very end. The last few nights, I held him close to me in bed and told him how much I love him. By then, his awareness was gone. He was moving awkwardly, barely able to eat and drink. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he had low blood sugar and that all I needed the doctor to do was tell me how much more insulin to administer.

No, they said. It's Neurological.

And in that split second, I knew it was over. The hope. The struggle to find the answer. The regimen of drugs. The belief that we would get back to normal.

But normal is gone forever. And my remaining threads of hope seem to be unraveling. Hope that I'll lose weight. Hope that I'll get a great job. Hope that my house is going to turn out to be OK. Hope that I am going to be happy again one day.

I don't expect people to fully understand the significance of this loss. It sounds callous for me to say that this cat was so much more special than our other three cats, but it's true. A lot of it has to do with our connection. We were soul mates. His personality transcended that of the typical cat in every way imaginable. He would rest in my arms with the side of his faced pressed against mine for hours. I was his Chosen One, no doubt about it. The others are aloof and cautious and uncommitted. Not my Sweet Boy. He demanded his cuddle time and rightfully took his place on my lap whenever there was an opportunity. He just loved being attached.

Losing my favorite cat is a major blow. I believe that I am now completely beaten and unable to get up. And why should I? So many of the things and people I have loved are gone, and I have no idea how to rebuild and recoup from this latest devastation.