Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I broke down crying in the shower today.

I was overcome with fear and dread from all that has happened this year. Losing my mom and sister. My dad's health is dwindling I have no idea what is causing my ongoing stomach issues and my mind has started creating worst-case scenarios.

Is it possible for an entire family to be wiped out in a single year? Is this the way that life operates? Unspeakable tragedy lies dormant for 40 years and then Kapow!

I kept thinking about Princess Di. Unhappy for so many years and then dying when she seemed to have found happiness. Like a cruel joke, tragedy has a way of mocking us when we feel safe, reminding us that our lives are no different that that of a bug. We can be crushed outta nowhere at any place, any time.

I'm 42 years old and I don't want to be sick for the rest of my life. I'm not ready to die yet, and I don't want my father or sister or husband or in-laws or nieces or nephews to die yet either. I want to revel in this cocoon of happiness that is still new to me. I want to enjoy the peaceful lifestyle that we worked so hard to attain. I want to experience the joy of being a parent and I have yet to do something truly significant.

I am 42 years old, and I am not Done.