Sunday, January 08, 2006

It's been a sluggish day.

I reviewed 20 online bead stores that I found in Beads & Buttons Magazine. Many offered better pricing, so I'll be converting. I also ordered a new software program that will help me manage my inventory and track the items that I have out on consignment. I paid bills, cooked, did the dishes twice, vacuumed, did three loads of laundry, organized the office filing system, sniped two items on ebay, watered the indoor and outdoor plants and made my mother in law a pearl necklace/bracelet set. I also burst into tears 3 times.

My sister passed away unexpectedly a year ago, on Sunday night. We spoke for the last time right about now. As usual, I fiddled with my computer while we talked. She asked me to pick up some sugar free candy from a local store, and she shared with me that she was exhausted. Three surgeries within the last 5 months had really taken a lot out of her. I listened and said, "Um-hmmm" in understanding...and then we signed off. Forever.

I don't know what's worse: Someone dying with no notice or someone who fades away slowly from disease.

Frankly, they both suck.

I've been trying to shake loose this awareness of the 1 Year Anniversary, and I finally decided to let it go. Lord knows that I celebrate every other anniversary so it's no wonder that this one keeps slapping me on the brain. My sister Denise is going to walk down to the pier where we released Jo Mama's and Ann's ashes in the ocean. I'll never, ever forget that sight of two, bobbing boxes floating off with the current. People who shared laughter, anger, hope and love with me...reduced to fitting into a box drifting away in the cold and dark water. It didn't seem right, even though that was what they wanted.

I suppose I'll get back to work and keep myself busy. But the pain in my gut will not go away. The newness of this wonderful life in Colorado is wearing off...and the oldness returns. The sadness, the memories.

Ah, hell. I'm going to go soak in the tub.