Thursday, March 23, 2006

Yet again, I am weepy throughout most of the day. I hold Sweet Girl in my arms and she giggles and then kisses me right on the lips. Then she burrows her head into my chest and we hold each other, arm in arm.

The in-laws called today to tell us that they will be here tomorrow. One day early. To spend the night and then take Sweet Girl to Kansas or Oklahoma or Gawd-knows-where. To live in a hotel for an undetermined amount of time in a podunk town. No more schooling, no routine, no supervision during the day.

My thoughts have turned slightly macabre and all of the bad things that I've ever done in my life are rotating through my mind. I won't list them here - I'm still too ashamed and mad at myself. But believe me, I will carry the self-anger and guilt with me until the day I die. This may be why I have felt for years that it just doesn't pay to do the bad stuff. Because the memories and self-hatred are torturous...and they never go away.

We met with our adoption counselor today and I broke down when I talked about how this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. It's as though my life is complete. It's a new feeling for me - something that I never imagined. I watch Husband play with Sweet Girl and my heart glows. They are so good together.

I know this will also be true for the child or children that we will adopt. And I realize that keeping Sweet Girl is not in our destiny.

Even though I desperately want it to be.

Whatever. I even bore myself talking about all of this stuff. It's life. Parents have the right to raise their kids any way they want - and the burden of proving drug/alcohol abuse is on us. Which would cause the family to splinter against us. I know, I'm beating a dead horse. It just ain't gonna happen.