One Year Ago...
My mom was in the hospital, weighing-in at only 80lbs. The RNs had her strapped into her bed with a little, blue, plaid apron. She was miserable, and she begged me to let her run away.
A discharge planner called me to talk about hospice care for mom. I was heartbroken.
Husband and I met with a real estate agent to talk about selling our home in the Bay Area. We weren't really sure about moving yet - just exploring the possibilities. But, I knew deep down in my heart that we both needed something new, a change of pace. We simply couldn't figure out how to make it happen with mom being so sick.
I was still employed, but I was on medical leave to take care of my mom. I was supremely exhausted and sick - easily the worst shape that I have ever been in.
I was depressed and crying throughout the day. Still in shock from my sister's death, I couldn't fathom how my mom could pass away too. And I wasn't willing to let her go. I'd become a participant in her fight to live forever. Even after she had given up, I remained vigilant with doctors, meds, bandages, Neosporine, canned peaches....anything and everything to keep her alive. Dammit.
Thank Gawd I wasn't there when she passed away. She did it quietly and peacefully and with grace. All of the things that I lacked, because I was out of my mind crazy with grief.
Just over a year ago, we started packing up my sister's and mom's belongings so that their homes could be sold. Their long-standing phone numbers were disconnected. The items that they cherished were given to other family members or donated to a woman's shelter. All tangible pieces from their lives were dispersed and in some ways...erased. And I guess that is where we will all end-up. Existing in memories only until those people die too.
I was going to blog about my new life, the incredible newness that awaits us with each and every day. The fact that hope springs eternal, and all that we really need to do is hold on, hold out and wait for that new day to begin.
But the heaviness of last year has daunted me for the moment. I am still so sad, so sad, so sad. I miss my mom and sister and I just don't know how to reconcile it. I don't want to wax poetic about their impact on other people's lives or their goodness or yada yada yada. While all of it is true, it's a Imposter Salve. It supposedly makes everything feel better, but truly, deep down, it doesn't help. My sister and my mom are gone and I miss them and I will probably feel this way forever.