Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Let's Do This Thing.

I can't remember a time in my life when I have felt so content.

And it's odd because my husband's job is not stable (no paycheck in two months, thank you Commission Only), I have zero job prospects, and the outlook is pure doom and gloom for our personal financial future.

But I'm not going to sit here and Fret. Right now, I get to stay home and enjoy my baby, sip hot cocoa next to our Christmas tree, reorganize our files, marvel at last year's Christmas photos and realize how far we've come, and cook yummy treats.

Husband is amazed at the change in me because I am the Ultimate Worrywart, and I can get cranky.

But here's the thing: In five days, my life is going to change radically. Forever and in a way that is going to change my wretched self-esteem. It could turn out to be a disaster, but the hope is that it will be one of the best things that I have ever done in my life.

On a very deep level, I have let it all go. I am trusting in fate, my faith, good luck and good intentions. I refuse to be clouded by fear and worry and live with jagged edges and cynical humor. I'm tired of hiding out and refusing to go to family events or developing a "sickness" at the last minute so I can bow out of most every social event.

Both husband and I feel a renewed sense of Hope for the upcoming year. But for now, I'm OK...working on my areas that need repair and thankful for all that I have in my life.

Zero to impact is looming. I am enjoying the moment now because the good and the bad hovering out there on the horizon aren't real. Yet.